English lad and kurdish girl, very complicated!

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English lad and kurdish girl, very complicated!

Postby UKs-o-t1234 » Thu Apr 03, 2014 5:39 pm

Hi I am at uni studying law and its something I really enjoy and I have done really well, gaining some amazing work experience and great grades. The problem is I have become incredibly distracted over the last 3-4 months. During the first year at uni I had the best time of my life and it totally changed me as a person, I was so motivated and borderline obsessive with how well I wanted to do. I do get distracted relatively easily depending on the type of person involved and I know which way this is all heading. Around Xmas of the first year I noticed this kurdish girl who was quite cute in a sort of childish way but didn't take a great deal of notice of her (we were in different groups etc so never really spoke until like exams and things where the whole course comes together). She is quiet and fairly private, sticking to her best friend and only mixing with others to say hello and goodbye and making small talk occasionally. I am quite the opposite and had a lot to do with most people and made the most of my experience. Sorry about the extensive information but i would prefer to clarify the situation rather than have someone say you only give half a story!

Anyway me and this girl got talking briefly and I can't describe how nervous she made me feel, every time she came anywhere near me I almost froze. We got on but I think she either thought I was shy or worse still perhaps a bit ignorant. For the remainder of that year I never saw much of her and there was no issue as until September I didn't even know she would come back to the same uni as its not uncommon for people to come to a uni out of their city and obtain the grades to go to the place of their choice, usually closer to home. Eventually my best mate began to notice how I unintentionally acted around this girl and told me he knew she was struggling in a particular subject and if it bothered me that much to offer to help her. I got him to arrange this for me, pathetic I know but I was still so shy around her. Within two days me and her became like best friends and although her friend was usually there we obviously enjoyed each others company (or at least I thought so). We spoke all the time by phone and if not by phone I was usually with her, I loved been in her company. As I said I helped her with a subject and she very narrowly failed it but can easily compensate this time around so she said it really wasn't an issue as the margin between her passing and failing was so slight it almost didn't even matter. We remained as close until our exams ended then suddenly everything changed.

She was aware people picked up on how close we had been and although she said it was nothing to do with them and how important I was to her I was far from convinced. All the phone calls etc stopped and we literally spoke for a couple of awkward minutes at uni if we saw each other. She said she had a lot on family etc but I was aware the calls stopped just after the exams and that didn't help my thoughts about her. I told her mate about my concerns who then told her and we did sort of discuss it and have slowly been getting back to how we were before. The problem is I had to plainly say I would do anything for her and really make a big thing of how much she mattered to me. Judging by how she's been with me since she's either realised I am genuinely nice and worth having around or worse case scenario is she's realised it's exam time in a month and I may represent her best chance of passing. I know this must sound like I'm making a huge thing out of nothing but I value this girls friendship so much, I don't know if its the different culture thing I enjoy or if its simply her personality I can't get enough of. I don't mean to sound arrogant but she's not clever enough to manipulate people and I think I could see through her quite easily. We will talk about uni work on the phone but she will phone me and really press the point that she's only ringing me for a chat rather than to get any help which I find a bit odd.

I concede completely I know little about kurdish people and their mindset but she gives the impression if you treat her well she will do the same. She's also considering moving unis which I would hate, I really want her to stay but telling her that could come across the wrong way. I'm really confused but I care so much. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Re: English lad and kurdish girl, very complicated!

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Apr 04, 2014 3:30 pm

I am not sure anyone can tell you what is I her head except her
Have you thought about asking her, tell her you were hurt by her actions previously and you really like having her as a friend/
She may have backed off because she is frightened you want more than friendship. She may not want this because she doesn't see you this way or her family wouldn't approve.
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Re: English lad and kurdish girl, very complicated!

Postby UKs-o-t1234 » Fri Apr 04, 2014 7:43 pm

Yes we went through all that, I text her and she seemed really happy I cared so much and sent me a similar message back, I even included a bit about how I aren't after more than friendship. We have such a strange thing going on, she gives me a phone number to a phone she probably turns on once a week at most but clearly isn't able to give her main number out. I do understand this as she has a long term partner etc and what appears a very difficult family situation. Another thing a few lads asked for her number and none have been given it so not giving me her main number isn't anything personal by the sound of it.

I am very caring towards her and at times treat her like she's the most important thing in the world. I did try and tell her that I was a bit hurt over how she treated me but I fell completely for the 'I have so many issues going on'. I do kind of believe her as she's committed to uni but isn't always able to attend and she's often in and out of lectures and looks stressed. I worry about me moaning she's not giving me enough attention then her telling me she has the most horrific home life. I am in no way racist and the majority of my friends are Asian, however it is not untypical that at home kurdish women don't have the easiest of times. Obviously this would vary from person to person but it does fit in with her behaviour that there's problems at home. This girl is the sort of person that dressed up looks like some sort of supermodel but often drags herself to uni half asleep with no make up and doesn't seem too interested in what people think of her. I find that an amazing quality in a friend as I am the most vain person I know, the type of person who if they have a spot goes to extreme lengths to avoid anyone seen me looking imperfect. I hate that side of myself but been around her helps me see the way you look one day to the next isn't the most important thing in the world. One day I had a work experience placement and was slightly bruised from football. I moaned to her and she said 'its a bruise! It's inside what counts'. No girl in this day and age has that mentality. You don't meet people like that often and I couldn't bear to lose her.

I am unsure over blatantly saying I want you to stay but realistically if she moves we won't be in contact I don't think. The worst thing she could do is treat me like I really matter to her for the next few weeks while she needs me and ignore me after the exams. I'd be happier for her to say I need some help now but after I'm busy. We have kind of done the did you use me for better grades thing and it is something that seems to still bother her. Deep down I want to basically say to her don't use me and treat me like that again but I'm scared of the answer and even more scared I could lose her altogether by indirectly implying that again.
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Re: English lad and kurdish girl, very complicated!

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Apr 07, 2014 3:36 pm

As you said you have already gone over it
I think it's more likely home issues are why she cut things off but then she thought better of it as you have been a good friend
I think if you know accuse her of using you then you will drive her away
Take a chance and just wait out the situation
Be there and be the good friend you have been and she is unlikely to want to get rid of you from her life
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Re: English lad and kurdish girl, very complicated!

Postby UKs-o-t1234 » Sun Aug 24, 2014 1:14 pm

Hi sorry to bring this back up, I'm even more confused than before. We have become so close over the recent weeks and I am falling for her completely. Her attitude to me has changed, in the last few weeks she's suddenly decided I'm the most amazing person and has finally clicked in how much I care for her (its only taken her about 18 months!) I'm more happy to keep what we have and nothing to go further than risk it and lose her but the things she's saying are so different. 'Just to mention a few 'your the most amazing person' 'il never forget what you did for me' (that's another story). I do over analyse things she does and says to me but I really feel so unsure about things. It's no longer me having to text her, we are chatting till 4am most nights but I want see if that lasts as that was at a time she really needed me. I used to feel maybe 50/50 I trusted her, now its 95/5 in terms of I trust her totally. I aren't desperate but I don't see me ever meeting someone like her again. She's sweet, thoughtful, so funny and just everything iv ever wanted. One problem is she likes to keep everything so private, I don't gossip but I like to tell my best mate a lot of how things are with her, not to show off but because she makes me so happy. I want her there one way or the other so made what might be a mistake of saying your like a sister to me :/ as she's in a serious relationship. It's just if a girl constantly tells you how amazing she thinks you are is hard not to get ideas. Do you think if I was really patient things could develop?
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Re: English lad and kurdish girl, very complicated!

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Aug 28, 2014 4:35 pm

It sounds like she is just waiting for you to do something like ask her out

No relationship is perfect and there will always be compromises about your personalities


As for seeing if the 4am chats will last they won't. Relationships move in phases and they change and grow. If you don't go for it she may think you aren't interested and move on

Why don't you ask her to go out for dinner or cinema. Don't mention the word date and just see how it goes.?

What does your friend think about the situation and does he think she likes you?
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Re: English lad and kurdish girl, very complicated!

Postby UKs-o-t1234 » Thu Aug 28, 2014 11:00 pm

As for the 4am chats they really didn't last!! I have heard nothing for a few days since I did what she needed me for. To be fair I know specifically this week she has a lot on family wise but even so when she needed me she certainly managed to find the time to contact me. I have actually text her just once since as I don't want to seem strange and I try to give her space when I think she needs it. I do try to think the best of her but this is like the third time we have spoken a lot when she's needed me then nothing after. I feel hurt when she doesn't bother with me because she made me feel like even if just as friends we were really close and I believed everything she said about our friendship. I know it sounds pathetic but when we do talk, I feel so comfortable with her, she makes me laugh in a way no one else can and I just generally enjoy her company. I have started to wonder when I'm loving the time we spend together is she actually desperate to get away and struggling to keep an act up. Sometimes I do try to subtly talk to her about this but I end up either totally agreeing with her and feeling guilty or making myself feel ridiculous for bringing it up. Before it seems like I don't paint a great picture of her, she's the nicest girl you could meet but it makes me uncomfortable how she's always got things on when she doesn't need me but when she does it seems like whatever problems she has can wait and I'm suddenly a priority. I am really good to her and try to always understand and give her the benefit of the doubt when my friends insist I'm been used. My best mate doesn't really have much of an opinion, its more of a joke to him but I think he thinks that she's using me and is only in contact when it suits her. I don't think I need to try anything like that because I have started to realise its just her friendship I love, she's pretty but I don't have any real sexual feelings for her. It's an emotional sort of attachment I have towards this girl but telling her that could come across very full on, especially considering I have said a few things on a friend level about how much I think of her. Sometimes I feel like saying you can't be my best friend for a week and then treat me like a distant acquaintance when it suits you but I find it hard to speak to her in an abrupt way.
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Re: English lad and kurdish girl, very complicated!

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Aug 29, 2014 12:49 pm

Well from what you have just said in this latest post I have to agree with your friends that she is using you.
You also say you have no sexual feelings towards her so I am not sure this is really something to persue.
Maybe it's a case of wanting something you can't have and if you actually got her then you probably wouldn't be happy.
Nest time she calls talk but don't help her and see the situation goes then, you will soon discover if she is just using you.
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Re: English lad and kurdish girl, very complicated!

Postby UKs-o-t1234 » Tue Sep 09, 2014 8:12 pm

Thank you I'm going to try that. I talk to her best friend a lot and she has told me this girl misses talking to me but all she would have to do is send one text or make a quick call. I have every sympathy for whatever she's going through but really how long does sending a text take? Or even 'I have a lot on so do you mind if we just catch up at uni'. That's better than total ignorance. I think deep down I maybe know the situation and I'd have to be really thick to not understand what's going on but when she does give me a lot of her time I'm really quickly sucked in and I forget all the times she pretty much forgot I existed. I am conscious of that people will treat you how you allow them to and I'm so tempted to tell her it does bother me how she picks me up and drops me. I really prioritise her and when she's around I don't give much attention to other girls, some who treat me a lot better than she does. Everything is completely on her terms, I mean she calls and texts me continually when it suits but if I did the same its like its not acceptable. She obviously has the support of her long term best friend so i have to be careful what I say because we spend time just the three of us, my best mate isn't really interested in been around them. Do you think saying perhaps 'when you need me il be there as I think of a lot of you but don't make out we are something we are not because you don't need to almost trick me into helping you as I'd help you anyway'. Can you think of maybe a nicer more subtle way of putting that?
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Re: English lad and kurdish girl, very complicated!

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Sep 24, 2014 12:24 pm

I think you don't need to say anything just next time she wants help tell her you can't, your busy or you have other commitments right now.
You don't owe her an explanation.
And you are right to be cautious of the friend as she may be going back and telling this girl about your conversations.
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Re: English lad and kurdish girl, very complicated!

Postby UKs-o-t1234 » Thu Oct 02, 2014 8:49 pm

Yeah I have been more mindful of what I tell her friend. Her behaviour to me is so weird. She tells me she misses me yet ignores my reply when I try to talk about it. I do obviously have a lot of time for her but do you think there's a chance I'm taking It much more seriously than she is? I could have been perfectly content with been uni friends and chatting here and there but she made it very full on with the constant calls and texts and then naturally when it all stopped I was always going to have questions.

It really annoys me because I tell a couple of people it gets to me and they see it as really childish but the way she acted towards me made me feel as if I actually mattered to her and to be picked up and dropped as and when she feels like it does get to me. I obviously believe this persons worth bothering about but I don't know how to go about trying to get things like they were before. I can talk to her but whatever I say goes back to her mate as they are that close so I can't be completely honest which kind of defeats the object of discussing anything. Neither can I really moan about that though as I tell my best mate literally everything so I do understand her been that way. I also want to be careful of making an issue out of nothing because if there's genuinely nothing wrong I'm going to look really stupid. It's also worth mentioning this girl does have genuine issues at uni which I know are truthful and her life there isn't exactly good at the moment. I do have every sympathy for that but I just think if it wasn't that she would find another excuse to be distant with me. I have contemplated pushing her away and getting on with my degree but we do have a laugh and I do enjoy her company, I think I'd instantly regret it if I told her stay away.
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Re: English lad and kurdish girl, very complicated!

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Oct 03, 2014 11:59 am

I don't think it's childish. Besides people don't know exactly what has been going on only you do.
I think she uses you when there is nothing much else going on in her life and then when she has nothing else to do is quite happy to engage with you more of the time.
If you want a friendship with her (because that is all you are ever going to get IMO) then you need to accept she is a friend that you can't rely on and just be happy with what you get when it's available.
There are different types of friendships. Some are intense, some are people you won't see from one week to the next but you know they will always be there in times of a crisis and others are fun to be with but not reliable in any other way. i think this girl fits into the last category.
She may well be like this with other people in her life too.
I wouldn't make an issue of it with her as I think it will just drive her completely away and you said that isn't what you want.
I wouldn't be available for her every time she clicks her fingers though, only if it suits you. treat her how she treats you in that respect. And definitely don't blow out good friends to see her.
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