Dead friend's party - to go or not?

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Dead friend's party - to go or not?

Postby daisybw1 » Mon Apr 04, 2016 10:33 am

I am 25 and live with my boyfriend. Last summer, one of his childhood friends passed away from a drug overdose and it would be his birthday this weekend. Some of their friends are holding a fundraiser in his name to raise money for charity.
I'm basically stuck on whether to go. The tickets are really limited and I managed to get ours a couple of months ago, but now I'm having trouble deciding what to do.

While I had only known the deceased friend for a couple of years, my boyfriend and his large friendship group have been close since a very young age. At the funeral last year, we went to stay in the area for a week, and I found it all a bit overwhelming. My boyfriend (understandably) wanted to spend time talking to his friends, which was fine, but it meant I was left sitting alone in a large group for most of the week. I don't really know his friends that well, and while I think they are all great, I haven't really clicked with any of them. They are all quite loud and I am very quiet and a bit socially awkward. This paired with the fact that everybody was grieving, including myself, meant that the atmosphere was absolutely awful and I found myself going home to my boyfriend's mum's house early every night. My boyfriend was obviously aware of this and felt bad (unnecessarily) but he did express gratitude that I went with him. I think he would think I should 'man up'.

This weekend, the fundraiser is taking place at a nightclub in the city. Their whole friendship group take a lot of drugs (which I don't) and I'm basically worried that I'll end up alone with nowhere to go, and totally emotionally drained from the whole point of us being there. I have just started a new job, which I am finding tiring, and I don't want to burn myself out even more. I have been feeling really on edge lately and this is getting to me massively. I think my boyfriend would be disappointed if I didn't go, but I think he finds it hard to understand - last year, he had 30 of his closest friends around him, grieving with him, whereas I was alone in a crowd and didn't want to make a fuss.

There are a lot of pros to me staying - I can pet-sit for my closest friend who really needs it, my boyfriend can spend quality time with his friends without having to watch out for me, plus he can get a lift instead of the train (I can give my ticket to someone who can drive) and I can relax a bit -I haven't had a chance to chill out since starting my job. On the flip side, the deceased boy was my friend too.
So, what would you do? Am I bad person if I don't go?
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Re: Dead friend's party - to go or not?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Mon Apr 04, 2016 2:39 pm

No you're not bad for not going, you went to the funeral and grieved and have moved on. If you would feel awkward being there then even more of a reason not to go, especially I you feel you'll be left out. Tell your boyfriend you've decided not to go, you want him too so he can be with his friends, and as you say not worry about you. I do find I strange that considering a friend of theirs died from a drug overdose they would still take drugs!!! But that's another story.

Just be honest, tell him you done your grieving and want to remember your friend in your own way, that you just need a rest and hope he understands, he may well welcome your honesty, good luck.
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Re: Dead friend's party - to go or not?

Postby daisybw1 » Wed Apr 06, 2016 10:58 am

Thank you so much for your reply! I took your advice and 'truthed it', and all is well. My boyfriend was disappointed but understood and I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted. The whole drug thing is a mystery to me too!
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