Is my friend's therapist acting as she should? worried here!

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Just Landed
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Is my friend's therapist acting as she should? worried here!

Post by Sunshinesun82 » Tue Apr 10, 2018 3:10 pm

My best friend (43 male) has been dumped by his ex 2X in the past (last break up was in 2011), he had a very VERY difficult time to get over her.
About 4 years ago he had a short and very intense relationship with another lady who also dumped him, they tried to remain friends but ended up fighting and breaking up the friendship 2X over the past 3 years. About six months ago my friend re-instated this friendship (for the 3rd time) with this lady and he declared romantic feelings towards her after about 3 months onto the reinstated friendship, she denied any romantic feelings towards him,that she is seeing someone else, but agreed to to remain friends - they are still friends.
He still struggles with this last rejection, is working really hard to just be friend with her but told me that he still have feelings for this lady.
Now, about 4 weeks ago, he got in touch with his first ex (the one he took a hard time to forget), he claims to have feelings for her TOO, says he is "observing" his feelings, says he is not sure if he should try again with his first ex because he is aware that it may not work again BUT wants to try because he also believes that now as they both are more mature it may work, so he wants to see what comes out of it, says that he is aware that he may get hurt again BUT he says that to the very least it may help him to forget this other lady that he claims to still have feelings towards TOO.
So - he claims to have feelings for BOTH, is strugling to understand what is that he is feeling towards both and that he believes he is doing what is the best for him at the moment.
Facts - He has depression since 26 yo, on and off from meds, is currently on meds, seeing a therapist every other week, apart for this two women he hadn't met or felt anything towards anyone else for the past 10+ years.
He says his therapist encouraged him to "explore" his feelings, try again with his first ex! That he asked his therapist's opinion regarding how "unfaithful" or "unfair" his actions towards his first ex is and the therapist do not see anything wrong with that. He says his therapist wants him to get back to "living his life again" even if his action are not of the most wise for him or it may cause him pain again, she encourages him because many of his last years were completly out of the romantic relationship field.
Is it reasonable for a very experienced, renowned psychotherapist act respond like this?
I am not feeling comfortable listening to all of this mess and keeping quiet. Every time I make a comment, give advice, tell him to meet other woman, etc - all positive support and advice friends can give - he says that I should support him to explore his feelings, life whatever way.
Now he is getting annoyed with me because I am his best friend but lately he feels I am not supporting him but imposing my way on him and that if I am his best friend I should "watch" him to to do whatever he wants with his live and just be there for him. He wants me to stop giving him advices BUT watch and listen to him messsing up his life without saying anything!
Its been hard for me to watch a very dear friend doing solittle to help himself, what should I do? is there a best way to help him?
Any advice and comment is very welcome. Thank you!

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Re: Is my friend's therapist acting as she should? worried h

Post by boulding » Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:30 pm

You've done what a good friend should do you've pointed out the pitfalls of his intended course of action and let him know you don't think it's particularly prudent or moral.
Now all you can do is be a good supportive listener. Don't make comments, give advice or voice an opinion.Take a friendly interest but be completely impartial and non judgemental.

I don't think it matters the slightest bit what the therapist said or didn't say as he's probably interpreted her words to suit himself. If he's happy with the therapist that's all that matters. If not he should get a referral from the GP to a properly qualified person.

Now all you can do is standby to pick up the almost inevitable pieces and try really hard not to say "I told you so."!

Good Luck

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Re: Is my friend's therapist acting as she should? worried h

Post by David020549 » Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:32 pm

He sounds very insecure and unpredictable which means he finds it very difficult to hold a relationship together, he certainly should not try to revive past relationships, forget the mistakes of the past and learn from them. He is probably a nice guy superficially and would have no problem attracting a girlfriend but does he give the stability and security they usually want. From your description he is expecting everybody to help him and make allowances for his behavior, maybe that has been happening all through his life, will he ever leave that behind?.
Don't let him blame you for his shortcomings, whatever advice you or his therapist give he is ignoring and making the same mistakes over again, for our own sake don't get involved in his problems even if that means making yourself less available.

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