Competitive Friend driving me mad

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Competitive Friend driving me mad

Postby saz » Sun Nov 16, 2003 10:45 pm

I feel a bit silly writing this problem on here but all my other friends just tell me to stop talking to this person.. but it isn't as easy as that.

To get to the point I work with this girl and her sister. I have worked with her before so have known her for about 4 years now. From day one she has driven me mad competing with me and i dont know if i can take any more. Her sister is lovely and we get on well though i dont want to fall out with her. I even got both of them their jobs so it is my own fault!

This girl competes with me on EVERYTHING, babies, houses, boyfriends, money (DEBT! who has the least). I moved in with my boyfriend, so she immediately had to, I got a leather sofa, so she had to, her washing machine had to be more expensive and she brags that she has a dishwasher and i dont. She had a baby and then i did but it wasn't planned but now she thinks i am competing with HER! I moved house now she wants to, the list is endless. She comes round my house unannouced and bosses me about with my baby because she thinks she knows it all - even told me to give her a good smack for messy eating (which i would never do). She doesn't just compete, she brags and puts me down over things like my weight!

I have to see her at work and she always manages to get my back up. Now the latest is she wants to have another baby, just as we have decided we might too. Neither of us knew about the other's plans but i am dreading being pregnant while she is cos she will just drive me mad (who has the most stretch marks - me and she has never let me forget it rubbing my face in the fact she has none). I cant ignore her totally but i dont phone her or encourage her to be mates she just cant help but do this. I am not going to leave my job either, but what can i do?
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cos i'm in love with the inner being
saz
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Postby Enigma » Mon Nov 17, 2003 2:39 am

This is a difficult situation to be in. Your friend is not doing anything intentionally. Essentially it is part of their character to be competitive about every aspect of their life, it is something habitual that they most likely are not concious of doing. This is not something you can expect to change, or to have any influence in changing, and I believe that is why this is such a difficult issue.
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Postby saz » Mon Nov 17, 2003 11:33 am

i have just had her on the phone because she has heard about our plans to have another baby. She literally tried to talk me out of it, so I just told her that we weren't trying and had just talked about it (which is true).

I think what bothers me most is that she doesn't behave like a friend. She doesn't come round for a coffee and a chat, just to gawp at something. She never phones without a reason to, like today it has to be to get the gossip.

When i had the baby she was the first person i saw apart from my partner and mum because she just had to come and see me in a mess and see the baby before anyone else. When i had my new kitchen, she came round the next day uninvited just to look at it and so on. I wouldn't mind if i could talk to her like a friend or just let our kids play together but she doesn't want to be friends with me, just compete with me!

This is why i find this difficult - if she was a friend then i would be ok with it but she isn't. I understand this is just the way she is but it is getting me down because i dont want to compete it isn't the way i am so i dont know how to get away from the situation.
Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
cos i'm in love with the inner being
saz
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Postby saffyre » Mon Nov 17, 2003 11:57 am

It sounds like she must be very insecure about something, and so has to contantly reassure herself that she can do better than you at... x, y or z.

A very close friend of mine used to be like that all the time about who had better dress sense, who was slimmer, who could get more drinks bought for them on a night out, who was better at sport etc (she won on all those counts compared to me!). She never said anything rude to me directly, but it felt like she was putting me down - like saying how annoying size 10 trousers are because they sat on her hips instead of round her waist, when she knew very well i was size 12!! It used to really upset me, until my mother pointed out that this girl's parents put a lot of pressure on her academically, which was the one area where she wasn't miles ahead of everyone else. Once I saw that it made it a lot easier to not take it personally when she made comments.

It may help if you compliment her on things that aren't too competitive between you - especially if you notice there's something she's insecure about. Help her to build up real self-confidence in things she is good at without having to get competitive to feel she's achieved something - so you're both back on the same side!

Hope that helps, and good luck - hope it all works out ok...
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Postby saz » Mon Nov 17, 2003 12:06 pm

This girl has no friends, not even from school. All she does is sit around with her sister and their children, day in day out. She never comes along on nights out or anything. Everyone has tried to encourage her and i have complimented her on her figure when she lost weight. I comforted her and gave her advice when she was really upset a while ago but i get nothing but this stupid game back.

I do feel envious of her sometimes because whenever she gets in debt or wants something, like a TV or dishwasher, her family just buy it or pay her debt off for her. We have to do everything ourselves, it is a struggle but when i feel proud for doing it myself, she just comes along and puts me down by bragging that she has this that and the other and that she hasn't had to pay for it, knowing i have to. I never get any financial help in any shape or form from any of my family but she makes out as though instead of being proud, it is something to be ashamed of.
Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
cos i'm in love with the inner being
saz
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Postby smile » Mon Nov 17, 2003 12:17 pm

Saz, although you may feel a little jealous of her situation you will have the experience. For instance, is she got in debt again, she probably wouldn't know how to deal with it so when her family can't pay her debts any more then she is going to be in trouble. Taking off others and getting others to buy things for her isn't going to work fo her in the long run so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

I hope you know what I mean, I know what I'm talking about... I just can't phrase it right... :roll:
When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.

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