My mates granddad abused them...

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My mates granddad abused them...

Postby XanaduChat » Mon Nov 17, 2003 2:43 pm

:(
When i went to a party most of us got drunk and i knew one of my 15 yr old mates had alot of things bothering her so i asked her why she thought her life was rubbish + she told me her life had been rubbish ever since her grandad had "made her hold his willy" i was a little shocked at this but i told her i wouldnt tell anyone. so we forgot about that conversation. Then about 30mins after she told me, i couldnt help thinkin that her granddad could have done this to her older sister who is 17. So i asked my 17 yr old mate if her grandad had done anything rude to her and because she was also drunk she told me that wen she was little he had made her hold his willy. she sed that they told their nan and it didnt happen again.
But this childhood memory has affected the way they are today, i dont want to tell anyone because it would hurt them all too much. their grandad has now got lung cancer and to be honest i wish he would die. just for the sake of my friends. every time i see him i hate him because of this. i dont want to talk to my mates again about this because i think it will make them really uncomfortable and they will say it didnt happen. wat can i do? its playin on my mind - shall i wait for them to talk to me, i hate to sit here and know wat they have been thru. help if you can please.
:cry:

Edited for profanity by smile on 17/11/2003
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Postby LoVe BuG » Mon Nov 17, 2003 3:48 pm

You shouldn't presure your mates to get it out of them but somehow get them to tell someone like a parent or go to see acounsellor to see what they say and it might help your friend out and make her think her life isn't rubbish.

Her grandad might of done this before and thats why when she told her nan she talked to him and then he stopped.(I don' mean that in a horrible way just its a possibility)

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Last edited by LoVe BuG on Fri Nov 28, 2003 7:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Llisa » Mon Nov 17, 2003 3:58 pm

When my older sisters were much younger, we had a an uncle that would touch them inappropriately quite often. They never told anyone for years, and it resulted in a huge strain between this uncle and his wife, and our family. Eventually my uncle became very upset and asked my dad why my sisters were so cold towards his wife ( he thought that SHE was the problem). Dad asked the girls, and they eventually broke down and told him. They were bawling, because they were so ashamed. They had kept this in for well over 20 years.
Even though my dad confronted my uncle over the matter and all was forgiven and put behind us, it still is a huge problem, and there will never be a completely smooth surface between us.
It's sad when families have these problems between them. I would normally have suggested that the girls confront their granddad over the issue. But from past experience, I doubt this would help any. Unfortunately it's just something that the girls have to deal with, and if they wish, they could go and seek counsellors that are professionals in this area. If they only told you when they were drunk, than it's obviously something they aren't too keen aboutsharing with the world, so you'll do good by them to not go and tell all your friends about it.
If they should ever bring it up again, let them know that you're there for them and you'll help them do whatever they want to do. Just be a friend, that's all they could ask.
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Postby saffyre » Mon Nov 17, 2003 4:21 pm

There are lots of organisations that are there to provide professional support in these situations - one such is Kidscape (www.kidscape.org.uk) who helped me through something similar when I was much younger.

Even though she was drunk at the time, your friend obviously trusts you a lot to tell you that. I've told very few of my friends about what happenned to me, and I appreciate that they're there if I need them, but are happy for me to pretend it never happenned and try not to let it affect me, which is what I tend to do. But everyone has their own way of dealing with things, and feelings can come in fits and starts - you can be feeling perfectly in control one day and in a big heap about it the next. If your friend is feeling that it is affecting her life badly at the moment, maybe she could benefit from counselling, but only if she wants to.

I think the best thing for you to do is just try to be there for your friends if they need to talk. Hope it all works out ok x
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Postby saz » Mon Nov 17, 2003 10:13 pm

Hi. Your friends experience sounds similar to what happened in my family going back to when his kids (my aunties were small) and carrying on until 1995. It all came to light when i was 5, but after lots of threats of police action against him and family rows (grandad - my dads father) nothing ever happened to him and he just carried on living his life as if nothing happened. Then 10 years later he did it again to my cousin and he was arrested. My aunty was eventually forced by her family to drop the charges.

Then he died suddenly and ever since, i have felt relieved that that man is no longer walking this earth because he never deserved to and he would never do it again. Your friend will feel some sort of release when her grandad passes away. This might sound horrible to others but it is true. I didn't love him even though my dad and his family did. I was upset for my dad in some ways. My nan knew about all of it, even to his own children and grandchildren and never did a thing. I am now expected to visit this elderly woman and be nice to her.

I have had counselling and it might help your friend. I went down the drinking out all night road for a while, but am now really strong and have come to terms (if you ever can) with the past. You could bring it up with her, say you are worried about her and would like to help her. See what she says but dont force the issue. I know you care but you cant get too involved in their family problems. They might feel stronger after he passes away. Just make sure they know you are there for them and let them know they can get help if they want to.
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Postby XanaduChat » Tue Nov 18, 2003 10:33 am

Thanx 4 all Your great advice.
It made sense and i will follow what each of u suggested - thanx again.
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