Should i tell her?

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Should i tell her?

Postby UniBum » Sat Nov 22, 2003 2:49 pm

Hi,

This is my first time at the boards & need some advide regarding my best mate! Weve been best mates for about 2 years now, i get on with her better than anyone else before. We have the best laugh together & i absolutly love her to bits!

But (theres always a but!), i feel like weve drifted apart lately. when she went to uni for her first year i took a year out & spent 6 months abroad.

Before i went i was so upset to leave her & while i was away i missed her so much, but made an effort to text, e-mail & speak to her as much as i could. I was so worried that things may be different when i got back & i guess they are now. Basically shes got a Boyfriend, she met him at Uni while i was away. Theyve been together for 8 months now & i was away for the first 6 months of it. I tried to be the supportive mate by being there when she needed to talk bout things (even if it was via email or txt) but now ive got back i feel like ive been replaced. Is this just me being jealous?

Last summer before i went away, we literally spent 24/7 together for the whole summer! It was wkd!
Im at Uni now & ive barely seen her the last few months,and when i have her byfs been there aswell. i keep ringing/texting her to ask if i can go & see her or if she wants to come down & see me but she says shes got a lot of work on (which is fair enough) but then i fone her up to find her boyfriends staying there the weekend (and he lives further away than me!) Plus i probably wont even get to see her until after the new year now, but shes managed to arange to spend time with her Boyfriend but not me!

I know, i sound like the typical jealous best friend! I dont wanna be like that, i AM happy for her that shes found some1 she wants to be with, but it just feels like she doesnt care about me as much as she did. She is the one person who i am most close to & i dont want to lose her.

I know ive been away for 6 months, & i didnt expect her to sit around & wait for me to come back, but i just want us to be close again like we were. I dont really know her byf all that well, but he seems like a really nice guy & he treats her really well.

I dont know what to do!
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Postby UniBum » Sat Nov 22, 2003 2:50 pm

wow, sorry for rambling on for so long!
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Postby cheese100 » Sat Nov 22, 2003 5:00 pm

hi,It hard after you've been away to catch up with things,also it is hard to keep a long distance relationships even if you are just friends so you will have to work at it tell her you feel like this if she is a true friend you will be able to arrange something.Maybe you should go see her to get the ball rolling.Even if you just meet up once a month it is better than nothing so talk.If she still persists in doing nothing than you have to lose that friendship and move on you will make plenty friends I'm sure.This friend is spending a lot of time with her boyfriend and not enough time with you you have to break the cycle.good luck cheese xx
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Postby Enigma » Sat Nov 22, 2003 11:05 pm

Hello UniBum, and welcome to the forums.

You do not sound like a jealous friend, but one who needs to adjust to a change in lifestyle. When my friend Vicky was single we'd see each other a lot more, go to the cinema at least every two weeks. Now that she is with her boyfriend a lot of her time is occupied by him. This is a natural change in circumstances.

My best friend Eve has recently got into a relationship with my best friend Ben - which is a bit of a mad one -, and although we get to spend less time together we all meet up as group quite a lot. How is your relationship with your friends boyfriend, could you all spend time together as a group and occasionaly just you and her? Perhaps your friend is not aware she is now making you feel neglected.
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Postby saz » Sat Nov 22, 2003 11:29 pm

I agree with Engima. Friends tend to drift apart but true friends never lose contact even if it isn't very often. My bestest friend ever and i still speak occasionally but it isn't the same as when we were younger. He went to uni and now works in the city, i am a mum and live 30 miles away from him. Not far, but when you have jobs and babies, things are hard. I miss him but when i see him it is great.

Whenever we feel neglected, we tell each other. Your friend wont take offence she is probably feeling a bit torn, wanting to see her bf too. It is a shame that she is choosing him at the moment but once the initial excitement has worn off a bit, she will want to spend time away from him too, with you. Just talk to her in a nice way tell her that you have missed her and want to catch up. There is nothing to stop you meeting up while her boyfriend is busy so just ask her when is a good time.

I know it is hard but just make a vow to stay in touch. Boyfriends come and go, but friends are for life. She will need you if things go pear shaped, just be there for her. Good luck.
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cos i'm in love with the inner being
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Postby Smiler_Princess » Sun Nov 23, 2003 10:07 am

Hiya.

I'm in a similar situation to you too. I had to move away from my best friend (who lived on the street next to mine, through a jitty) to a town in an awquard position. We use to be with each other 24/7 but we got split up at school so we don't talk much now.

But when I go back I make sure I cram as much time in being with her as i can and we have a great laugh. It makes you appreciate what you had more and see how precious your best friend and time is.

So talk to her about it and tell her how you feel. I'm sure she misses you too and you can arrange a day out once a month or something. Then you can both look forward to that time together as it is 'your' time. You drift apart as you grow older but you shouldn't entirely, keep contact.

It's always nice to take a trip down memory lane aswell if you meet up (say things like "Oh! Remember when..." - you'll be laughing so much and it will remind her of all the fun times you had together. She should see what she has been missing and want to try and keep your friendship.

As saz said, best friends will aslwys be there for each other. Just be there for her when she needs you.

Hope everything turns out ok for you, keep us informed!


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Postby sovs » Sun Nov 23, 2003 2:17 pm

Hi,

Im sure your friend doesnt even realise shes doing it.
When i first met my husband, i spent a lot of time with him.
I still hung out with my best friend Kerry but not as much as i used to.
I didnt know she had any bad feelings about it until she stopped talking to me.
I sat her down and we chatted and she said that she felt left out and was jealous as i had a great bloke and she wasnt with anyone at the time.
After our heart to heart we went out a lot more and i would get her and my husbands brothers to come out in a group, we had some great time after that.

I think you should ring her and just say you miss her company.

Now i have my son we dont see eachother as much as we would like and she works funny shifts but we text and see eachother as much as we can, and know we have eachother if we're upset or need to talk.

hope i helped a bit
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Postby UniBum » Mon Nov 24, 2003 12:24 pm

Thanx everyone for your words of advise. I text my best mate last night & ive managed to get her when shes free! So were gunna meet up just before Xmas, its in bout a month but at least i'll see her! Havent bought up the subject of what shes doing for new years yet, whether shes going down to her Boyfriends or not :-? But i'll never ask her to make a choice between us, if she wants to go down there then its cool.

Saz, i think ur right about after the initial excitment has worn off. Thats happened with a couple of my other mates, theyve had boyfriends for years & when the arguments start they wanna come out with me again blah blah. But thats when my pride kicks in & thinks well they ditched me before why should i jump when they suddenly want me back? I think my problem is I read into things a bit too much!

How is your relationship with your friends boyfriend, could you all spend time together as a group and occasionaly just you and her? "


I havent ever really had a proper conversation with him because he lives down past London & my mate lives up north so he goes up there to Uni (where he used to go) to see her. I only see him if i see them at home & he stays at hers.


Thanx again for the advice guys! :)
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Postby Enigma » Mon Nov 24, 2003 1:16 pm

Don't you think that would be a bit harsh, asking her to decide on you or him for her New Years celebrations? If she plans on doing something with him then that would be because New Years Eve occurs only once a year, which really isn't really a big deal anyway. Whether she does something with your or not, it doesn't mean you are any more or less special to her.
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Postby UniBum » Mon Nov 24, 2003 1:38 pm

Don't you think that would be a bit harsh, asking her to decide on you or him for her New Years celebrations? If she plans on doing something with him then that would be because New Years Eve occurs only once a year, which really isn't really a big deal anyway. Whether she does something with your or not, it doesn't mean you are any more or less special to her


No, i said in my last post that i wouldnt ask her to make a choice. I'll just see what she's doing for new years & if she is going down to see him then its cool. I can always go & see some other people :)
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Postby Enigma » Mon Nov 24, 2003 1:59 pm

I'm sorry UniBum, I misread your post as saying "I'll ask her to make a choice." Hope you have a fun time when you meet up with each other before Christmas.
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Postby sovs » Mon Nov 24, 2003 6:38 pm

Im really pleased, it will be nice for you to catch up :wink:
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Postby Smiler_Princess » Wed Nov 26, 2003 5:42 pm

I'm really pleased too :D

Hope everything between you two gets better!


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