Feeling Paranoid

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Feeling Paranoid

Postby Dawn » Wed Nov 26, 2003 9:33 pm

Sorry, this is a pretty long post!

I'm feeling a bit fed-up at the moment, basically about everything, but I'm really worried about my mates. Basically, I made some new friends when I started university two years ago-none of my school friends were on the same course, or even the same uni, and I hit it off with one girl pretty much straightaway. Then, I met another, who was pretty down because her so-called 'friends' were being bitchy. By the second year, I persuaded my mate to move to another corridor in the halls to be next door to my other friend, and now they're both very close. The problem is, I've never lived in halls. This year, my friends tried to persuade me to live there just for a final year, but I said no because of the cost.

Now I think I've made a mistake. When my two closest mates are together, they can be pretty cliquey and I end up regretting I ever persuaded them to have rooms next to each other in the first place, which I know is pretty sad on my part. I thought we'd be closer this year, as in September we, including another friend, went to Majorca for a week's holiday, the first one any of us have ever been on with friends. But ever since uni started in October, I've only been out with them three times, and two nights were celebrating my 21st and a Halloween party. Even on my 21st, one of them turned round on the day we were meant to be going out and said she couldn't be bothered going out and was too skint-it took another friend to persuade her to come out because it was my birthday, otherwise none of them would have come out with me. I was sitting in the next room listening to her having to persuade them, and I'd never felt so let down before.

The last fortnight, they've told me that I can't go to this posh ball with them as I'm not a member of the union that's putting it on while they are, but then I found out that you don't have to be a member to go to the ball. Also, I know they've been out in the last week but they haven't asked me to go with them. Usually, I'd see one of the girls on Wednesday in a lecture, and she'd say something if they were going to be going out that weekend, and they'd text me asking me over. For the past fortnight, it's been "See you next week then", no asking me over or anything. I don't really know what I've done wrong. Now I'm just paranoid, and I feel really left out. I haven't been out with them for about a month now. I don't really know why they're like this now, when it's been pretty fine for the last two years. I just don't feel part of anything anymore, and I don't really want to invite myself over, as usually I'd have to bunk down in one of their rooms if I was staying over and it just seems they don't want me there anymore. Has anyone else been through something similar? It's just a hunch feeling that something just hasn't been right the past few weeks.
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Postby sweet sarah » Thu Nov 27, 2003 11:19 am

Ok have you told them how you feel? I can see they are pushing you out, which isn’t fair on you but all I can suggest is ask them if they want to go out with YOU, don’t wait for them to ask you out with em, them.

I would have it out with them…. In a nice way. And see what happens but it will do no harm if you get some new mates as well so you can have a social life still and not have to worry about what they are doing. They have seemed to have grown closer since they have been living closer and they haven’t realised that they are slowly pushing you away make it clear that they are and if they don’t want you to be in there em… gang… just get some new friends. Lasses are a bit of a pain but don’t let it put your self-esteem down.

Good luck. Sarah x
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Postby saz » Thu Nov 27, 2003 12:49 pm

I would talk to them too.. perhaps they just are finding things as a group of three difficult, i cant really see why but it is an odd number and one person often gets pushed out. It seems that they are pretty wrapped up in theirselves and each other, and dont seem to be able to be just as close to you as they are each other.

The fact that you make a lot of the effort in the friendship shows that they have become complacent, taking you for granted. They dont have to make any effort because they know you will! In a way they are taking advantage of your good nature, it was you who got them together as friends in the first place.

Take a step back from things for a while, if you dont ring or see them they will suddenly start wondering where you have got to and hopefully get in touch. They probably cant even see what the problem is so be careful that any chats dont turn into rows. I would just approach them and say that you havent seen a lot of them lately, have missed them and would like to do more things together. Perhaps building your friendship back up with them on a one to one basis would also help, you could see one while the other is busy. Perhaps you three are very different people too and they are similar which is making you feel excluded.

See more of your other friends and have some fun with them for a while too.

Good luck.
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Postby Dawn » Thu Nov 27, 2003 9:46 pm

Thanks for the advice. I think we ARE different people-they are both more confident than I am and have got the same sense of humour, whilst I am the quiet one, the one who always says "no, it's alright" about everything, even if it isn't alright. It's not just me that's noticed they're getting closer and pushing other people away either-another friend is being treated the same. She was the one who came with us on holiday, and since then they've decided that they don't like her much anymore as they say she constantly complained on holiday. She was ill, and I had to stay with her while they walked together everywhere, giggling and I admit it was quite hard to see that. A few weeks ago, the one I introduced to the other told her that " you're one of the closest mates I've ever had" whilst I was standing next to them, which, even though she was drunk at the time, was still quite gutting. Even though I know I have to be more assertive with people, I can't in case they turn against me. Like today, I sent a text to one of the girls asking if she had photocopied some work she'd promised to give me, as I was at uni today and wasn't going again till next week. She just said that no, she hadn't as she'd forgotten that the work was meant to be in next week and that was that. When I sent her a reply, asking for the name of the work so I could photocopy it myself while I was there, she just didn't reply! I know if the tables were turned, I'd feel really guilty for letting her down, and I'd go out of my way to meet her and give her the work, even if I didn't really have the time. Even though I can rationalise this, and tell myself that's why people walk all over me, I can't seem to change. I was the same at school, and my friends there treated me exactly the same-leaving me out of things, getting cliquey with each other, never returning a favour etc.

It just depresses me really, because when I started uni I made an effort to speak to people, to not be so shy, and to try and prevent people from seeing me as a weak person but I seem to have done the same again. But I really can't stand confrontations! I think that when I see them next week, I'll ask if they've been out over the weekend, and say something like " we haven't been out together for ages", and just see how it goes. It's just difficult when you're being pushed out and you don't really know why, especially why now as we're in our final year and they've been living next door to each other for a year now.
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Postby saz » Thu Nov 27, 2003 9:56 pm

I think in this situation it might get to the point where you just have to leave them to it. They are obviously selfish people, and they match well because of this.

Dont see yourself as a doormat. The best way to avoid this is to just stop seeing people as friends when the start to do this. You dont have to confront them if you dont feel comfortable, just let yourself drift away. I know it is hard but if they aren't going to put the effort in then it would be a shame if you wasted time on them that you could be using to do something else.

Friends who get this close inevitably have the most damaging fall outs. I was this close to a girl before and we had spectacular fall out, resulting in us not really speaking for about 3 years now. I dont miss her though, she found another 'best friend' straight away which goes to show i didn't mean that much to her in the first place. She was the bossy one and as i have got older i realised that she did use me to her advantage a lot of the time.

There is nothing wrong with having a best friend, but real friends include everyone in their group and it is nicer to have a group instead of relying on one person. They will soon realise this!
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