My best friend doesn't want me to have a love life!

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My best friend doesn't want me to have a love life!

Postby stellar » Wed Jan 07, 2004 5:44 pm

Hi I posted a couple of weeks ago about how I'd cheated on my rubbish boyfriend with another guy at uni, who I'll call Stu.
I've broken up with my boyfriend now and am just taking it easy, still flirting and messing around with Stu but nothing serious.
However there is a huge problem now that I didn't forsee.
I live halls with about 4 other people and one of the guys, let's call him John, is my best friend at uni. We do everything together and our friendship has always been platonic (I thought so anyway!)
However recently John has been really strange with me, obviously I confided in him about all the things that were going on in my messed up love life but instead of seeing it through my eyes he stuck up for my ex(he doens't fully understand the situation), told me I was wrong for messing Stu around and now every time I see him he makes some snide comment about me and Stu or he'll just insult me loads or ignore me. I feel like he's judged me and I recently found out that somehow he knows me andStu got drunk and slept together, which really I didn't want him to know.
It really upsets me because like I said he was my best mate and I always felt like I could tell him anything but now he's acting so strangely. At the start of term when we first met (drunken freshers week things) he told everyone I was his "beautiful little girl" and a lot of people in the halls thought we were more than friends. We've always maintained to each other that we wouldn't ever be any more but recently people have told me that he does have a soft spot for me and is jealous. I dunno whether people are saying this just to stir or whether it's for real.
I was hoping someone could help shed light on this topic for me, as I have no clue how to handle it. I don't want to lose John but I don't want to not have fun with other guys just cos it might hurt his feelings... or don't I?!
Any help/thoughts would be great!
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Postby depman » Wed Jan 07, 2004 7:03 pm

Maybe he has always fancied you and to find out you cheated and hurt your ex boyfriend has upset him to see you differently
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Postby stellar » Wed Jan 07, 2004 7:34 pm

hmm I thought that might be it, we were out having a drink the other night and he said "ever since I've met you you've just gone down in my estimation".
The thing is, although cheating IS wrong I'd been in a horrible relationship where I basically was always running after my ex, I'd do anything he wanted, he'd pick me up and put me down whenever he wanted and I can't count the amount of times he told me clear off and stop calling him, and left me in tears for my housemates to deal with. So cheating in this case is justified, he practically forced me to into the arms of another man.
What should I do to resolve the situation?
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Postby depman » Wed Jan 07, 2004 11:36 pm

I have never agreed with cheating as I have been on the receiving end and its not nice
Nether the less you were treated badly by your ex and you should not have been treated like that
you should just have got out of the relationship
Perhaps you could explain what you have said to your friend
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Postby saz » Thu Jan 08, 2004 12:16 pm

Your friend is being really unfair. It isn't your fault that he fancies you (which is highly likely for his behaviour) and you made it clear it is just friendship from day one. As your friend he should be supportive even if he doesn't agree with you, but if his feelings are strong for you he might find this really hard.

There is no point beating yourself up about what has happened in the past. Ok you did cheat and you aren't proud but it is done now and you cant change it, just learn from it. You are free to do what you want and your friend should respect your decisions, not lecture you. It isn't for other people to judge how you live your life. If you want to see this Stu then go ahead it is your life.

Tell your friend you dont appreciate him being so unsupportive and if you are feeling brave, ask him what his problem is! If he tells you he has feelings for you then you will just have to let him down gently but he probably already knows how you feel anyway. Maybe spend less time with him and more with your other friends give him some space to think about everything. I am sure he will calm down and things will go back to normal in time.
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Postby stellar » Fri Jan 09, 2004 5:37 pm

Thanks both of you. I have tried asking him what his problem is but he just shrugs it off and pretends like he doesn't have one.
I have tried asking him if he thinks I've acted in an unjust way but he just says no and that I haven't really done anything wrong.
Part of our friendship is that we mess around and insult each other but since all of this happened he goes too far, and cuts really deep with some of the things he says.
When I tell him that he's gone too far he says sorry but then quickly follows up with more insults.
I feel like I can't win, i think the friendship is damaged forever and that it will never be the same again.
When I told him that I was having problems with my boyfriend he said that I probably just misunderstood the situation but being told to "clear off" (lol at editing!) by someone you love is pretty painful.
I don't know, he's a pretty tough cookie.
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Postby saz » Sun Jan 11, 2004 7:39 pm

Not everyone sees things in the same way, and your friend sounds like he might have lots of other issues and bitterness maybe towards women, or his friends. He might have things in his life or past that still affect him, say family or friendship issues, and his spikey behaviour may be hiding some hurt. It sounds like he doesn't know how to be caring and sensitive. Maybe he needs a bit of time and encouragement to open up more then he might be a bit nicer towards you!

It was horrible the way your ex treated you and you did the right thing by leaving him because if you stay with people like that, it is like giving them the green light to continue behaving that way. My ex was a horrible nasty piece of work towards me, but he had loads of other problems too, it wasn't me who made him that way. You didn't make your ex boyfriend behave like that, and you have left him to it which is great.

Your friend wasn't there in the relationship and might not see things from your point of view but that doesn't give him the right to belittle your version of events he should just accept it. Dont feel you have to force the issue with him, you know how things were.

Tell him that you aren't willing to carry on the teasing and insulting, not only is it hurtful but tedious. He might not know how to behave you might have to show him.

Good luck.
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Postby Mr.L » Sun Jan 11, 2004 10:06 pm

just because your b.f was "rubbish" doesnt excuse you to cheat on him. He probably feels that overall you were the worst one as you cheated. Cheating is betrayal at a peak and is nto a gd trait to carry on your back. He may have seen a new side to you.
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Postby Mr.L » Sun Jan 11, 2004 10:06 pm

Why dont you talk to him and make him see maybe your not like that.
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Postby Gipsy » Mon Jan 12, 2004 10:01 am

You say he doesn't understand the situation fully? Maybe you should take the time to sit down and talk to him about it and explain everything. You may not have wanted him to know but now that he does, I think you owe it to your friendship to explain. But he has to let you do all this stuff and if he is such a good friend then he should realise that what he is doing is out of order and that sometimes mistakes happen. You shouldn't have cheated on your boyfriend and if he was that bad you should have just got rid of him sooner. But I am guessing you know that, so tell your friend this and make him understand. Other than that there is not much else that you can do.

Hope this helps
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Postby worstfriend » Mon Jan 12, 2004 1:38 pm

hey, it sounds to me that this guy, John, put you up on a pedestal when you first met (calling you "his" beautiful "little" girl), and now he's annoyed that his image of perfection is crumbling as you go about behaving well, like any normal person!

Basically i think he wanted to believe you were someone you weren't, and now he's been forced to face reality, ha can't cope with it.

You shouldn't have cheated really, but you kind of know that already. Equally, you cheating on somone who treated you pretty bad most of the time is hardly a crime against humanity!

Try to spend time with other friends, and try to be yourself as much as possible around John. Either he'll accept you're not perfect in which case you two can become good friends again, or he won't, in which case you're better of without him. WHo needs a friend who constantly reminds them that they're not as good as they could/should be?

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Postby saz » Mon Jan 12, 2004 9:30 pm

No one should judge or condemn other peoples actions whether you believe them to be right or wrong. What one person sees as right and wrong, another will disagree and you cant live by other peoples rules.
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Postby worstfriend » Tue Jan 13, 2004 1:22 pm

hmmmmm, maybe that did sound kind of judgemental. Sorry.

What i'm trying to say is that the fact that you cheated is your business. Not mine, not John's, and the only person who's opinion really matters there is yours. A good friend can share their feelings on the things you do without judging you for them.

What i should have said is that everyone does things which others may see as mistakes, and our friends are the people who know us love us anyway, just for being us.


Best of luck!
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Postby stellar » Fri Jan 30, 2004 4:10 pm

yes thanks a lot saz, you are right.
Basically nobody can judge me because you weren't in my situation.
We've sorted it out now anyway so all is cool again.
Thanks to those who gave helpful advice.
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