Best friend's mistake

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Best friend's mistake

Postby misatok11 » Mon Jan 12, 2004 12:02 am

My best friend of 4 years is engaged to a wonderful girl with a baby. They are a wonderful couple but i found out something.

He has slept with my friends sister and i found out. I confronted him and he threatened me not to say anything. No w i dont know whether to keep quiet or tell his fiance? Any ideas?
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Postby Enigma » Mon Jan 12, 2004 12:11 am

Your best friend cannot turn back time, and whether or not he regrets what he has done the future is the most important thing. It's a difficult situation to be in as you now feel somehow responsible. You could be responsible for your friend's fiancé finding out, which could be responsible for you losing a friend. Your friend should understand that you feel his fiancé should know, and that this information should be communicated to her by him. If the matter is dealt with in the short term it could prevent problems in the future.
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Postby misatok11 » Mon Jan 12, 2004 12:13 am

My friend james has never been good at telling people this sort of thing. He knows he made a mistake and other people will tell her if i dont. Then she will wonder why i dint say anything.
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Postby Enigma » Mon Jan 12, 2004 12:37 am

Has your friend done this type of thing before then? It is hard to be objective in this predicament as you want to do right by both people involved, which ultimately cannot be achieved. You have reasons to tell her and justifications not to. You might want to remove references to actual names of people you're posting about.
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Postby sovs » Mon Jan 12, 2004 12:46 am

If you cheated on your wife would you want a mate to tell her? I think not.
My advise keep out of it and let her find out on her own, they always find out anyway!!!
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Postby misatok11 » Mon Jan 12, 2004 1:40 am

The name james isnt his real name and as far as i know he hasnt done it before. They do live over 100 miles from each other though.
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Postby Gipsy » Mon Jan 12, 2004 9:56 am

Ok well he is your best friend and is he worth losing? If you tell his fiance then all your going to do is cause pain all round as it will probably split them up and hurt her deeply, and your best friend isn't going to want to know if you do this to them. I think you should talk to your friend and make him see what he did is very wrong and that he should come clean about it. Its his place to tell his fiance not yours.

Hope this helps.
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Postby worstfriend » Mon Jan 12, 2004 1:51 pm

i once told my best friend her boyfriend had cheated on her. It was terrible and they did split up.

The worst thing was that several of my friend found out first and called me to ask if i'd tell her as they were too scared.

She didn't like being told, but she was glad someone had the guts to do so, and she has always been grateful to me for saving her from getting very serious with someone who didn't care about her.

Equally i told another friend that his girlfriend had cheated on him while he was away on holiday. He didn't believe me (it was definitely true, i made sure of that before i told him) and we still hardly speak.

This is even more difficult because it's your friend who is at fault.

I suppose what this comes down to is personalities. You really might lose your best frined over this. If it had been the other way around i almost certainly wouldn't have told my friends' partners that they had cheated.

Where do your loyalties lie? If you are close friends your opinion should have enough clout to make him confess. It's probably best to get him to tell her. They have a child together, so they probably won't just split up without trying to work through it.

hope this helps
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Postby saz » Mon Jan 12, 2004 9:20 pm

It is his mess, not yours and you aren't responsible for his actions even if you dont agree with what he has done. He is aware that you disapprove and it is up to him to come clean. It is always worse finding out from other people because then they all knew before you did, and hid it until they told you.

It isn't all that likely that other people will tell her they will be feeling the same way.

Things are never as they seem because if she was such a wonderful girl, why did he do it? He should be thinking of his child and the consequences of coming clean because this could split up his family for good.
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Postby Enigma » Mon Jan 12, 2004 11:15 pm

Being unfaithful does not mean the person you are cheating on is not a wonderful person. That person could be doing absolutely everything right, but this comes down to the cheater's perception of virtuous conduct.
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Postby saz » Tue Jan 13, 2004 8:17 am

I know i didn't mean it to come across like that, i meant that there may well be something wrong in the relationship that has led to this situation. It is easy to see from the outside that someone is really great but living with them and having a child can cause a lot of stress.

With cheating i think it takes the person to actually do it but sometimes the situation is created by a relationship breakdown, communication etc. Both parties should be making an effort to get the relationship back on track. She might have noticed a big change in him but has chosen to let things carry on as they are but no one knows because we aren't in that situation.

And also what i mean was, if he thought she was wonderful, had respect for her he wouldn't want to hurt her in this way.
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Postby depman » Tue Jan 13, 2004 11:03 am

Totally agree with what Enigma said
I was thinking the same thing
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Postby saz » Tue Jan 13, 2004 2:13 pm

I didn't mean it badly. What i meant was, the partner who is wonderful is obviously not being respected by the cheating partner. If the cheating party really saw the true wonderfulness of their other half then they wouldn't cheat.

I totally agree that it doesn't mean that someone who is being cheated on isn't a lovely wonderful person, just that their partner might not see them that way either because they are selfish, or for other reasons.

There are so many fantastic people out there who do get cheated on, but you also have to look at your relationship to see where things got to that point.
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Postby sovs » Tue Jan 13, 2004 5:38 pm

I understand where your coming from saz.

A lot of people cheat when they are going through a hard time together and although its not right in any way, it doesnt seem like such a bad thing when your doing it as you look at it as attention you deserve and want to be getting from your partner and you not, so you look else where.
The really sick and screwed up people are the ones that do it repeatedly with more than one person for the simple fact they like getting their leg over. In which case that person has no right being in a relationship of any sort and are a disgrace to themselves as whll as there partner.
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Postby Llisa » Tue Jan 13, 2004 7:47 pm

My friends all knew that my ex was cheating on me...but no one told me. I wish they had.
Contrary to what everyone else is saying...think about this. If your wife was cheating on you and your friends knew about it...wouldn't you want to be told? It's a complicated situation...and everyone has their own opinion on the matter...but whatever you do...think carefully before you do it.
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