Friend just had a baby

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Friend just had a baby

Postby Raven » Tue Jan 13, 2004 9:05 pm

my friend, just over a month ago had a baby. (she's 16)

She is a lively, bubbly and intelligent lass. But i think one thing has ruined it all, her choice to have a baby. I mean yeah, great, a lovely little baby. But i went to visit her today, and everything has gone down hill. she lives in a pokey flat with her man, she doesnt know if she'll go back to school and she even does drugs (what chance does the poor child have if his mother does drugs and is only 16 with no proper education?!)

he didnt even have a proper cot to sleep in. i dont doubt for a second that she doesnt love him, i just doubt about his upbringing (rough area, her doing drugs and smoking/drinking). she has always been a bit of a ruffion (lol, bit harsh i know) but she has the brains and potential to do well at whatever she chooses. i really fear for her son, and her. i cant tell her not to do drugs, she's as stubborn as hell. i just wish she'd face up to her responsibilities!

Im really worried about her, but she won't be told and even accused me of being a jehovahs witness! (im not really religious tbh, i just dont think taking drugs whilst caring for a month old baby is wise)

what does everyone think?
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Postby Mr.L » Tue Jan 13, 2004 10:04 pm

Please talk to her and give her advice or research some things? I dont know b ut you must help the poor kid. He didnt ask to come into this world. If it gets extreme maybe you should reccomend adoption?
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Postby depman » Wed Jan 14, 2004 10:25 am

You are not doing anything wrong keep telling her in fact tell her parents for the sake of the child
Doing drugs is disgusting in front of a 1 month old baby what chance has that child got
He isnt no father to do that to his own child
Take my advice let everyone know whats going on you will probably lose a friend but the baby is more important in my opinion
They are both irresponsible and have no right to be parents
It disgusts me
I have a son and I could never bring him up like that
I dont like drugs anyway I never have I think they are for sad people even cannabis is for sad people
Tell her parents I would
Good luck :wink:
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Postby worstfriend » Wed Jan 14, 2004 12:33 pm

These are kids trying to bring up a kid, which is never ideal, but they could and can do a far better job.

It sound like they need to be where there is more support available, like maybe at her or his Mums house. Your friend needs to realise that if she continues to do drugs there is a real risk her child could be taken away from her and placed in care. Even the most inexperienced and desperate mother usually thinks twice about actually losing her child.

Not having a proper cot is not necessarily a terrible thing, many children are born into poverty and sometimes this cannot be helped. What all babies do need though, is love and cuddles and attention, from a responsible person who is able to attend to their needs. Doing drugs and drinking certainly means these kids are not in a fit state to care properly for their child.

Tell the parents of either the mother or the father or both. This baby is essentially helpless and will remain so unless you do something.

Best of Luck

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Postby saz » Wed Jan 14, 2004 2:46 pm

You dont say what types of drugs (hard or soft) but whatever they are she shouldn't be doing it. She is so young and probably thought having a baby would be easy but reality is different. A lot of people also find it hard to give things up for the sake of their children and this goes to show their imaturity. She probably doesn't give the newborn much consideration at the moment because they dont 'do' a lot and are easy to love and cuddle, but when he is older it will be very different for her.

She should realise that doing any drugs around her child is dangerous. What if he got hold of anything and took it? There was a case of a 10 year old recently and it is more common than people think. What if she was taken ill while she was alone with him, or got into terrible debt with dealers as this might put them in danger. She might be on the drugs and make a mistake because she isn't in full control of herself.

If this was my friend i would approach her parents. As she is so young they should be looking out for her and realise what she is doing. If she cant cope maybe they could look after the child for a while. I know it is scary but they should know and they might be able to intervene with her.

There is so much support for young mums these days. Your local health visitor would be able to offer advice and support even to you if you are very concerned. There is social services if you are really worried, and many mother and baby groups. The groups might give her more confidence, mixing with other mothers would be good and give her more social activities.

It is nice that you care so much for your friend and it is so hard for you to stand and watch what she is doing, but sometimes people dont want to listen. Keep trying to get through to her. I am sure she knows it is wrong, but doesn't know how to stop and finding ways of showing her that she doesn't need to do it might help her.

Let us know how things are, take care.
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Postby Raven » Thu Jan 15, 2004 4:44 pm

the drug she took was speed, and when i was there she was asking her boyfriend to get her some ecstasy pills.
i said "who the hell looks after him while you're out of your mind?"
and her defence was that "oh it makes me more alert"

i cant believe her really, she kept on smoking throughout the pregnancy too!

thanks for all your views, but i really cant tell her parents. they are equally as irresponsible, her parents are split, her mom doesnt show an interest really and they dont know who i am.

i was thinking, maybe to tell the school counsellor (cause he will see her more than me) and see what he says, do you think that'd be a good idea?
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Postby saz » Fri Jan 16, 2004 8:59 am

From having a baby myself, this situation does frighten me. Yes you do need to be alert but you also need to be in control. If you have that tiny baby and are bathing it you need to be totally focused on safety. How would your friend feel if in a few months the baby came across something and put it in its mouth? Because they do find things and everything goes in the mouth i have to hoover every single day because of this.

You should tell someone what is going on and how concerned you are. Your friend might not be coping with having a baby and it also sounds like she isn't ready to change her lifestyle now she is a mother.

From what you say about her parents which is really sad, this is probably why she doesnt know how to behave properly becaus her parents havent taught her the right things about life. Telling the counsellor is a good step because they will be able to give you advice or contact someone who knows about these situations. As i have already said, there is so much support for mums and she needs it, as does the child.

Follow your instinct which is telling you to get help for her. If she turns it all down then at least you tried to do something. Dont let this take over your life she has got herself into this and it isn't your total responsibility to get her out of it, but getting her help is a good thing.

Let us know how things go.
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Postby depman » Fri Jan 16, 2004 11:28 am

The way her parents were she is being the same to her child
I think she is disgusting to take these drugs and is unfit to be a mother

Yes tell counceller ASAP
The child is the most important thing in this
Innocent
What life will the child have later
Act now and save the child
keep us posted
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Postby worstfriend » Fri Jan 16, 2004 1:13 pm

It's sometimes difficult when life throws a situation at us like this.

The baby shouldn't be your responsibility, but the mother and father are clearly not acting very responsibly, so i'm afraid it looks like for the moment, it is up to you to do something.

Tell someone, anyone, who can help, and keep telling people until someone steps in to help this poor girl and her baby. It might not be an easy thing to do, but it's the right thing to do, and you would have so many regrets if you didn't step in and something happened to your friend or her baby.

Best of luck

Hugs

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Postby Raven » Fri Jan 30, 2004 5:24 pm

Hiya, thanks for your thoughts.

I'll try and have a word with the counsellor next week..see what he says.

Seeing as I havent been in touch with her for a few weeks, i'm not sure if she still takes them, but i'll tell him all the same...
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Postby cheese100 » Fri Jan 30, 2004 8:31 pm

hi
this sounds horrible but you have to do something.Try to talk to her make her see this is bad and that it could ruin her babys life i no she is subborn but maybe if you say it enough times then maybe it will get through.Go and see the counsellor and get her and her man some help they may not like it or you but it will help them and they will thanks you eventually.You need to be persist and make sure it gets through she needs help before she ruins two lives.good luck maybe you could look after the baby sometimes to give your friend some relief and a statblity to the baby.cheese xx
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