My ex-fiancé is in love with my best friend

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My ex-fiancé is in love with my best friend

Postby Bev » Mon Feb 16, 2004 3:36 pm

This might be very hard to explain, but here goes, i live with my ex fiance, but now i am engaged to another man, but theres no problems there, in fact it works quite well. The problem is that my ex fiance has fallen in love with my best mate and my best mate only sees him as a mate, but trying to get that through to my ex fiance is harder than me and my best mate thought it would be.

My ex fiance is depressed although he won't admit it, i worked as a volunteer for people with mental health problems and he has all the symptons of depression. I feel like i am his personal agony aunt when things go wrong.

I tried and tried explaining to him that my mate just wants to be mates, but it doesn't seem to sink in, i have to try to explain all the time to him she just wants to be mates and then on the other side, i have to explain to her that he'll soon give up.

Any ideas, cos its starting to get to me now, should i shut them in a room and lock it, so they can both sit and talk about this face to face or shall i just carry on being a good mate to them both and keep telling them what the other one says all the time??
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Postby worstfriend » Mon Feb 16, 2004 4:22 pm

Hi Bev,
welcome to the problem pages.

If i were you, i would step out of the middle and let these two talk to each other instead of going through you. As far as i can tell the guy is using you as a kind of buffer so he doesn't have to face the reality that this girl is not going to go out with him, and your friend is putting the responsibility of sorting his behavour out onto you, when in fact it's nothing to do with you.

I would tell them both (on the same day if possible) that you have had enough of being piggy in the middle and in the future if they want to discuss it they should do so with each other. DOn't pass on messages to either of them, don't reassure either of them of anything. Respond to enquiries from either side with a polite, "i don't know, why don't you ask them?". Eventually they will get the message and sort themselves out. I think your ex-fiance will get the message much clearer if it comes from the girl herself, and likewise i think the girl will make herself better understood if she deals with him in person, instead of getting you to deal with it all the time.

You can remain a good friend to both of them, and be prepared to listen to their moans about the other, but just don't get involved anymore. You can offer suggestions as to what each should do, just don't offer to (or let them assume you will) do it for them.

You will still be acting as a good mate, by getting them to sort this out properly, and supporting them while they do.

As for the ex-fiance, i would sit him down and gently explain that you are seeing signs of depression in his behaviour and you think he should see a doctor about counselling. You can't force him to do this, but you can encourage him, maybe find some help-line numbers for him to call for more information.

Good luck

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Postby Llisa » Mon Feb 16, 2004 4:32 pm

Worstfriend has some great advice there.

This isn't your problem. Although she's your best mate, and he's your ex-fiance...this isn't your problem. To tell you the truth, locking them in a room together doesn't sound half bad (with their consent of course).

If you've tried to explain it to your ex over and over again...obviously you aren't getting through to him, and he needs to hear it from the horses mouth, so to speak.

There isn't any chance that your friend is interested in another guy is there? As awful as it may sound, if she is the time for her to act on that. If your ex saw her with another may sink in. But defnitly make the two of them talk it out. They both seem to be hiding behind to cover of you, and that isn't fair.
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Postby saz » Thu Feb 19, 2004 2:31 pm

Your ex is obviously still heavily relying on you for emotional support and at some point he has to take steps to cope without you. Perhaps living together isn't working out as well as you would like because it could be that he is trying to make you jealous?

Only an idea but really this is between your ex and your friend. She needs to tell him directly that she isn't interested and he needs to start building relationships without your help. You may feel as if you cant let him down because he is depressed, but he is over depending on you by the sounds of things. Tell him that you are no longer going to get involved in his love life or trying to find a partner for him.

He might not be listening to you because he doesn't hear it from your friend. It is very frustrating to tell someone something over and over again and he should realise this!

I hope that things work out for all of you and good luck.
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Postby Bev » Thu Feb 19, 2004 3:58 pm

thanks guys you've all been a great help, i told my mate that i am sick of being their message board for one another and i phoned her last nite and made her talk to him, shes now given him a choice, hes either mates with her or he leaves alone.

As for me being there as emotional support i think thats alright to a degree, but i know that he ain't trying to make me jealous, the fact that i am now engaged to someone else, who happens to be mates with him, they get on ok, this works, me living here, just needed a helping hand in respect of the whole he loves her, she doesn't love him thing, and thanks to you lot, i think its starting to sink in now shes given him a choice.
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