Trust

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Trust

Postby anoni » Fri Mar 05, 2004 5:47 pm

A few years back, I broke up with my long term boyfriend due to mutual problems. When we decided to get back together, my best friend at the time told me he had hit on her. And convinced me it was better for me not to get back together with him, as he was not genuine.
I never did find out whether her words were true. But instead of listening to my own instincts and asking him myself, I told him we couldn't get back together. She also made me promised NEVER to tell him what she imparted to me. This was supposed to be a 'secret' between them. I was torn. He couldn't understand why we weren't together and I threw myself into another relationship 6 months later - still unhappy but hiding my emotions.
When another opportunity arose for us to get back together, I decided I was going to go for it. Again, I spoke to my best friend, who then relayed another 'incident' between them. telling me I should stay with my new partner, as he was loving and caring, and wouldn't cheat on me. Other epeople were whispering that my ex was dating other girls etc... I blinding took the word of others and my best friend and refused, again, to go back to him.
My best friend returns from working abroad, freshly out of a relationship herself, and promptly gets together with my ex. This shocked me, could she have always prevented me from returning to him because of her own feelings? We grew up together, and she was like a sister to me. Yet, it feels like she stabbed me in the back too. I tried confronting my ex with the previous rumours and he denied it all and was pretty nasty about things, saying he wished he'd never see or speak to me again, and that things would be easier for him and my best friend if I wasn't alive.
He could have a really bad temper - but it was also the most passionate realtionship I have ever had. But, her behavious could not be excused, I tried looking for excuses for her attitude.
Eventually, when we met up for a coffee to 'clear the air', her answer to me was: " Well, I need to get over MY ex, and <xxxxx>, well he makes me feel secure, so you will just have to get over it. Besides, he doesn't care about you, except for in a sisterly way, so it's your problem, not mine." Many friends have asked me since why we aren't talking yet.
This happend 18 months ago. And I still feel used and hurt. There is so much more to this story, but I can't bring myself to write it all. What can I do?
Last edited by anoni on Mon Mar 08, 2004 4:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby charlie2003 » Fri Mar 05, 2004 11:23 pm

This guy sounds like a creep and I don't think much of your friend going with him after telling you he's no good for you etc...
You need to get over this guy not easy I know but you need to get him out of your life you don't need people like him dragging you down when theres so many nicer guys to date out there.
I can't understand why your friend did this to you. Have you spoken about this and asked her why? If you think there is a friendship still with you two and you really want there to be then maybe you should sit her down and ask why, and whats going on? Or get her out of your life too. But thats the choice you have to make.

sorry this is sounding a little odd so I'll shut up now :oops:
If you wanna chat you can always pm me.
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Postby saz » Sat Mar 06, 2004 11:43 am

Your friend obviously has her own reasons for behaving this way which i think is appaling and unforgivable for lots of reasons. You have to decide whether you can ever salvage a relationship with her again, whether there would be any trust or if her hurtful remarks and behaviour have just cut too deep. Lots of people say that friends are forever and are better than partners, but friends like her you just dont need.

It sounds like she is very good at manipulating people and situations to suit her own needs and wants. Now she has what she wants the mature way to deal with it would be to not rub your face in it - but the fact that she cant help herself shows just how immature and selfish she can be. There is no need for her to be involved in your private feelings for your ex - whatever went on between you and him is private and none of her business regardless of whether she is with him now, and does he realise that she is acting as his mouthpiece?

I know you are really hurt but the best option for all of you would be to move on from all of this. If you are still hurting after all this time and feel the friendship is beyond repair there seems little point in keeping in contact with either of them. The decision is up to you because you have been friends for such a long time. The only way to make it work would be for all of you to wipe the slate totally clean and start again - dont keep bringing it back up and perhaps keep the relationship between you and her separate from their relationship - hard but possible. You have to talk to her and see if she is willling to do this.

Good luck i hope things work out for you.
Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
cos i'm in love with the inner being
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Trust

Postby anoni » Mon Mar 08, 2004 11:58 am

The thing is, I did try to be neutral, I did try to listen to what she had to say when she insisted on meeting up to 'clear the air'. And maybe she her words weren't comforting to me, but at the very least, I hoped that I'd find some truth in that meeting. But I left feeling, she had neglected discussing her actions and how they impacted me, and our friendship. Rather, the conversation was engineered to say, "I'm going to do what it takes to make me happy, at whatever cost, and I'll bear whatever consquences there are. AND, he doesn't care for you anyway." The last straw was when she said, "You shouldn't be listening to HIM, he is the LAST person you should trust, you should be trusting ME." That comment came after she asked me what had he said to me, and I replied that he said they have already been dating for a month behind my back.

I really don't know how to salvage a friendship out of so many broken pieces. There were times when she called me whilst working abroad, in tears, saying she was lonely, that I wasn't always there for her - meaning, she'd call me and I was on voicemail or the like. i.e, if I was at work. It was demanding and often hard to judge her rollercoaster emotions. I'm sure everyone has these moments, but with our friendship was closer, we were like sisters. When she was very unhappy abroad, I quit my job and went out to comfort her - only to find she left me on my own 4 out of 5 nights to be with her then boyfriend. needless to say, I was neither impressed or happy about it. When I continued to travel on on did not stop over to see her on my way home, she threw a bit of a strop at me. But I felt neither wanted or needed, so I didn't want to stay.

It's hard to try and work out the pitfalls and whys of how things turned out. I believe that in her 'perspective', she has had done anything wrong, as she has always put her partner in front of friends/family in her priority list.

I think the hardest part for me is trying not to feel like an idiot/mug, for allowing all this to happen right under my nose, and for still allowing my care for these people to continue hurting me emotionally.

As this thread is titled, I've found it hard to trust others, existing friends and new friends. Especially mutual friends of ours. The loyalty issue has been very hard to deal with.

Thanks for listening and all your good advice.
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Postby charlie2003 » Mon Mar 08, 2004 2:06 pm

/big hug goes to you

I know its hard to trust again when something like this happens. But if it helps you gain that trust back with others but you need to give it time.
Always here to listen take care x
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Postby worstfriend » Mon Mar 08, 2004 2:27 pm

This sort of thing has happened to me (though it was over a family matter rather than a boyfriend) but basically my best friend totally knifed me in the back, and i lost alot of face, but wasn't aware of it. She told all kinds of tales about me behind my back to people i was turning to for support at a very difficult time in my life.

I know it seems hard, but the only way to overcome this and go on is to force yourself to trust again.

Pain is the price we may pay for loving but LOVE is the thing we may gain. It IS worth the risk of being hurt again, it certainly isn't worth letting these two wreck the rest of your life.

I would say that as a general rule, if a friend ever tells you something of this nature about a partner, take it straight to the partner, regardless of whether it's supposed to be a secret between them. There was no "them" for it to be between at the time, it was you and him who needed to work stuff out.

Be open in all your dealings and those who try to decieve you will soon learn not to mess with you, because you will check out rumours and assess what they tell you.

Love

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Trust

Postby anoni » Mon Mar 08, 2004 4:31 pm

Thanks for all the good advice and support. I hope time will heal things - my close friends have told me love is a risk, but a risk worth taking - and I guess you are all right, but it will take a long time before I'll take that step again, whether in a friendship or relationship. The idea of being vulnerable enough to be hurt, and obvious paranoia of history repeating itself - though unfounded, still plays at the back of my mind.
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Trust and beyond

Postby anoni » Thu Mar 11, 2004 12:10 pm

I am planning to go on a study trip this summer with a select group of friends, and I have just discovered, they have invite my ex-best friend (follows on from 'Trust' thread). As much as I wanna go, I can't stand the idea of having to spend part of this time with her. I am only just coming to terms with the whole thing. I may be more emotional than some people - but I really panick at the idea of having to deal/prepare to deal with any more emotional friction. Thanxs 4 listening.
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