Friend, or DoorMat?

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Friend, or DoorMat?

Postby wordsofwisdom » Fri Mar 26, 2004 6:17 pm


I have a problem that i want someone elses perspective on if possible..... i've got this best mate of about 12 years now, we went to high school together, but since then our lives took a different track... i went to uni etc, whereas he went straight to work, our perspectives on life are often similar, but often massively different.....

Anyway thats not the issue, just a bit of background....

Despite all these changes in our lives we've always been best mates, but in the past couple of years our friendship has just existed in the context of going out to town on a friday or saturday night every few weeks or whatever...... Now this was fine for a while and we always have a good laugh and a crack, but then thats it for another couple of weeks when we go out again... get the idea?

Now the real crux of this is the inevitable girlfriend issue, i've got one now, and he's been with one for a couple of years )... it has seemed for a while that I am useful so that my mate can go out to town and meet up with his girlfriend (who goes out every weekend with her mates)......

it started off really bad where him and i would go to our usual places on a night out, then religiously we'd go to this one bar where he knew she would be at closing time so that they could be together.... very cosey for them two, but what about me on the side, i'm not the most outgoing person in the world so i'd hardly be off chatting to other people,

Now a while ago they'd argue everytime they met up in town, which annoyed me, and i told him after about 12 months that it was doing my head in to be going out and putting up with that.... and it has got better, and there appears to be less of an emphasis upon him meeting up with her when we go out, but i cant help thinking that there is a hidden agenda that he only wants to go out when she is going out, and that i am only of use on a night out till he can meet up with her.....

i dont mind just seeing him on a friday night when we go out, i've got my own girlfriend and my job keeps me busy, so that context of the relationship is good...... i dont even wanna stop hanging out with him cause a) he is a good mate and b) the occasional friday night out does me good and i enjoy his company (in the main)..............

i just get this feeling that i am a 'toy' that he uses whenever his girlfriend decides she wants a night out in town, so that he can go out too and not be stuck in the house on his own..... this weekend is a prime example, i'm being hassled to go out tomorrow night ... after i refused to go out tonight he has made his gf stop in with him, but tomorrow she'll want to go out with her mates and he has noone to go out with, hence he called on me and has kept up about it all the time?

Edited by Saz for profanity 28 March 2004
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Postby jasperlens » Fri Mar 26, 2004 11:13 pm

Hi wordsofwisdom,
Maybe you shouldn`t make yourself so available so often. As we all grow older our friendships change.
I don`t really think he would see it as `using` you, this seems to be the way lots of us behave these days. I know I go for a `lads night out` but always meet up with my other half late on.
If you feel you are being used maybe it`s a good idea to chat about this with him on your next night out.
Good LUCK !!
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Postby saz » Sun Mar 28, 2004 9:08 pm

I dont know maybe i am just different. Me and my partner sometimes have different nights out with our mates but rarely ever meet up unless for practical reasons such as lifts home etc. Those nights are mine or his to just see our friends and spend time with them - i have 99% of the other time to see him in fact it is nice to have a break from him sometimes! (we live together and have a baby). The other times we might go out as a couple with no friends, or in a big group as a couple with our mutual friends.

But saying all this, most of my friends behave similar to your friend and it really annoys me too. I got really fed up with my best friend dragging me round all the bars looking for her on/off bloke who might possibly be out, it ruined any good time i might have. So i put a stop to the random nights out when she had nothing better to do and suggested other things. It was soon apparent that she was using me as an excuse to see him, because when i suggested the cinema, girly night in or restaurant, she let me down. I dont want to stand there alone watching them get it on or argue, when i could be seeing my own partner or other friends.

You could try this with your mate. Tell him that you want to have a lads night with no girlfriends once in a while because it is healthy to see your friends without your partner over your shoulder every so often. I am sure that he will be up for this but if not then you may have your answer.

Unfortunately sometimes people do put their new partners before their best friends but this can be because they know you will always be there for them. It isn't fair to be picked up and put down all the time and you should make this clearer that it isn't nice for you. You dont have to be horrible but suggest going to a different place and if he refuses, you dont have to go if you dont want to. Perhaps you could do things as a foursome, dinner, pubs and get your girlfriends chatting at the same time.

He seriously needs to feel more secure in himself when she goes out. There is nothing wrong with staying in on your own sometimes and you can't pressure your mates into dropping their plans to fit in with yours. Maybe both of you could take up a hobby or something! Five a side, darts, golf whatever as a regular arrangement to occupy you both when the girlfriends are out!

Good luck.
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