Trying to create closer friendships - why doesnt it work?

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Trying to create closer friendships - why doesnt it work?

Postby babushka » Wed Apr 07, 2004 12:29 pm

Hi, I have never had a close friendship with anyone, everyone I have tried to get close to always has someone they feel closer to. Ever since secondary school, Ive had this same situation come up over and over again.

I thought that once I went to Uni, things would be different, but they aren't. By some weird coincidence, the person I consider to be my best friend there already has his best friend at the uni too! They hadnt seen each other since just finishing GCSEs, they even lived about 150 miles apart, yet somehow they ended up at the same university! When they get together I always feel like the spare part, they talk about stuff which they don't want me to hear, and sometimes it is blatantly obvious that they want to talk aboiut something and I shouldn't be there.

At the moment, I live with my considered best friend in one flat, and his best friend lives in another. Next year, we are going to be living together and I dread the fact that I'm going to be left out yet again because they both seem to value their friendship together more than they do my attempted friendship with them. I just don't know how I'm going to cope, I know that sounds selfish, but Ive experienced it so many times before that I can't take it anymore. It really hurts knowing that nobody considers you to be their closest friend, not one person.
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Postby wordsofwisdom » Wed Apr 07, 2004 6:21 pm

all i can do is really sympathise with you - i've been in this position too

all thru high school i was best mates with this one lad, and he in turn was best mates with another lad he had known since they were both at primary school....

thru school and stuff this didnt really matter, i guess cause it such a social environment anyway that you tend to spread yourself a bit thin with specific friends......

since leaving school and getting a bit older things changed significantly - generally it would be a triangle relationship, and neither myself or the 'other' best friend would have much direct contact - when we did it was often uncomfortable and forced.......

over the past year or so i've moved away from the requirement to be this persons best friend, in part cause i've seen various ways in which they've put no considerable efforts into being my friend...... to break things up even more the 'other' best friend has moved out of the country, and i myself am moving to another part of the uk in a few months, so my 'best mate' is left with noone really.... i know how that makes him feel, but it is never spoken about!

i just got sick of feeling undervalued, and worse making myself have to compete for someones attention - all you can do is establish friendships yourself without the emphasis of having a single BEST FRIEND - as thats a single point at which your world might be demolished if they were to change, go away etc.....

any help?
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Postby Im_in_Chains » Fri Apr 09, 2004 12:44 pm

Having found myself in the same situation, I understand how you feel.

I agree with the advice of wordsofwisdom. It makes a lot of sense.

I think if you just relax and make friendships without the focus on a best friend, you may find this happens upon you quite naturally and I'm sure you'll feel better that it's happened this way and not by design.

I hope this helps.

Take care
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Postby JennaXXX » Tue Jan 18, 2005 12:12 pm

If you are at uni then why not try joining some societies or clubs? Its an ideal way to meet new friends who share the same interests as you.
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Postby SugarRainbows » Tue Jan 18, 2005 7:35 pm

Groups and clubs is a good idea! also have you told him you feel like this? Maybe you could join a club and get him to get his mate round when your at the club having a good time to talk about guy things so it doesnt bother you which would be a regular thing like once a week. Hes more than likely not doing this to you on purpose and you just need to tell him. Hope this helps! :)
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Postby Moose » Tue Jan 18, 2005 7:46 pm

I think you ought to stop trying to find one best friend. It puts a lot of pressure on the person who you're considering to be your 'best friend', and a lot of pressure on you, as you always end up feeling down and left out.

Perhaps you should concentrate more on just enjoying the company of people who are your friends, without labelling them 'best'.
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Postby elmo24 » Sat Jan 29, 2005 4:14 pm

I agree totally with Moose - why do you seek ONE best friend? I always pride myself on not having one best friend, but rather a group of friends who I love equally - the beauty of this is that each friend has something the others don't, i.e. I would talk to friend 'x' about blokes but friend 'y' is better at giving me advice on work issues. It's no bad thing to have this kind of set-up, believe me!

What I have realised over the past few years is that friends sometimes come in and out of your life and you can't control it (maybe cos they move away, etc.) so just appreciate your friends as they are...if one day, a friend sticks out and you become closer to them than the others then so be it but don't sit there waiting for it to happen.

Chin up pet! :wink:
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Postby Loveforever » Sat Jan 29, 2005 11:14 pm

its really nice to have a good close friend, but u cant force onit--meaning--u can make a friend but its not easy to make a close friend --since it happens only when u both get along really really well. preferably as refered before to u join some clubs, among all the friends u make u will surely get hold of 1 close friend--surely
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