Something wrong with my mate

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Something wrong with my mate

Postby daveshow » Thu Apr 08, 2004 6:14 pm

Hey all

Recently a new boy has started hanging around in our group and while i dont hate him or anything i (and the others find him a bit loud and annoying) .He also bums my best mate which i find bad because he touches him all the time and my mate doesnt say anything and if i touch(not in a gay way, like a push or sumthing) him once hes makes a comment usally in good humor.
That is a bit of the background but i have noticed that when the other boy is around my mate seems to act less friendly towards me.Today he looked annoyed and we asked whats wrong and he said you'se , he quickly changed it and said *other mates name* because he was annoying him. We quickly guessed that it is prob because we are being less than friendly to the new boy pretty much because he has been out with us for 3 days and he is already moaning and takeing over.
i have asked my mate if anythings wrong and he said no but i can tell there is and it annoys me that he cant tell me.Do you think he thinks i am jelous of the other boy? I really dont know but i kept getting this feeling that hes going off me because he wouldnt tell me who he fanced which i guess is ok if he doesnt want to but as were best friends i thought he would. Although th other night he said i was the bestest friend ever.
Its probally just my pariniod self and i hate having to write about him behind his back but i feel i can get someunderstanding here.

P.S I hope ive made myself clear on this i will understand if i dont get replies as it is probally hard to reply to :o

Post edited by Enigma on 08 April 2004: no swearing allowed, whether actual or indicative!
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Postby worstfriend » Thu Apr 08, 2004 9:05 pm

When you say he "bums" your best mate do you mean they are homosexual, or they just touch in a non-sexual way like normal people? Or is it a typo and you mean "bumps"?

I'm a little confused about this because it sounds like you don't like this boy touching your mate because when YOU touch your mate he makes some kind of comment but when this new guy does it he doesn't say a word?

Maybe your best mate won't tell you who he fancies because he fancies this new guy and (i assume given previous posts i have read by you) knows you are somewhat homophobic. Or maybe the opposite, he really fancies YOU but knows it's a non-starter because you are not only straight but also homophobic.

In fact that could be why he feels he has to make a comment whenever you two accidentally touch, because he's scared you'll think he's gay and go off on one....?

Hope this helps

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Postby saz » Thu Apr 08, 2004 9:17 pm

I think perhaps all of you are stressing out too much about who likes who, how much and such. What i am trying to say is maybe you are making more out of it that there really is to it?

It is very hard when your friends dont get along. Put yourself in your friends shoes, he has two mates who he likes but they dont like each other. Perhaps you say things about this other friend, ignore him or act strangely and your best mate is also hurt by it, simply because he likes him. Maybe he feels pressured by you to tell him everything and keep you as a special mate, when he feels he wants lots of mates at the same time.

There isn't always an ulterior motive to someones actions and people dont always get along with each other. Just accept that your best mate has other friends, stay out of their way if you dont like them that much but be nice and civil - that way you would keep the peace all round.

I have to be honest, it sounds like you are talking about a partner not a best friend and you do sound jealous and perhaps he thinks so too. Accept that he is entitled to have other mates and get to know them better as you may actually like them if you tried!
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Postby daveshow » Thu Apr 08, 2004 9:34 pm

ok ive read your posts and i thank you for your advice but just to get things cleared up.

1.i dont think my friends gay because he has a g/f
2.i admit i am jealous but its because hes my best mate and i feel(i have said i may imagine it) that he just acts less friendly towards me when the other boys there
3.in regards to my "partner" i look on my mate as a brother because he is the best friend i have ever had and he is by no means a bad friend, i just get that feeling sometimes
4. i am not nasty to the other boy but i jsut find him really annoying and loud because one of us invited him down once now he keeps on foneing and aranging things and jsut moans all the time
5.when i say bums i mean he brown noses him i really dont know how to put it much better than that.

i am not getting on to anyone and i once again wish to thank you for your sound advice it has been helpful :)


p.s i dont see my self as a homophobe i dont mind it but i dont aprove of it and i jsut cant stand it geting thrown in my face all the time
"I eat green berets for breakfast and right now i'm very hungry"
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Postby saz » Thu Apr 08, 2004 9:58 pm

Well perhaps you are just looking to much into the reasons your friend acts strangely. As i said, he probably feels a loyalty to both of you and if you look at your actions and behaviour around this new boy maybe you could see where you go wrong. Do you slag him off when he isn't there? If so, this could be why your mate is upset with you and he doesnt want to tell you in case he upsets you.

I didn't mean to make out like you are having a relationship with your best mate, just that you do sound jealous and it isn't healthy to be jealous of anyone, friend or partner. Jealously does tend to distance people, they feel pressured and uneasy over it.

You think a lot of your best mate i can see that but let him have his own space too and friends that he has chosen himself. Maybe you can't see why he likes the new kid, but he does and you shouldn't try and change that it isn't fair.
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Postby saz » Thu Apr 08, 2004 10:00 pm

I also meant to say that you should give the new boy some leeway. He is new and probably trying too hard to fit in and in time things will settle down when he feels more comfortable. Dont worry about him taking over your friendship - if it is that strong then it wont happen.

Get to know him better but accept that perhaps he is just loud as some people are.
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Postby daveshow » Thu Apr 08, 2004 10:24 pm

i admit i do slag the other boy but i only say that he moans and is taking over. i cant remember if i posted a sort of linked thing to this on problempages or agonyonline but we actually fell out with the other boy and a couple of others because of stuff they were doing like climbing onto peoples roofs and stuff, One of them has come back already but has wisened up the other one is still the same.


I will try to follow you advice :) thanks for everyones replies
"I eat green berets for breakfast and right now i'm very hungry"
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Postby Enigma » Fri Apr 09, 2004 2:22 pm

How is homosexuality thrown in your face all the time? Homophobia is fear or dislike of homosexual people and homosexuality; You are homophobic.

The title you have chosen for this topic says that there is a problem with your mate. Really, the problem is with yourself.
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Postby daveshow » Fri Apr 09, 2004 3:07 pm

dont tell me if i am homophobic or not because i am not and its thrown in my face all the time on tv like gay sex in the bill sometimes before the watershed and in otehr tv shows like hollyoaks etc etc and even if my mate was a gay i wouldnt mind


***NEW DEVELOPMENT ON THE PROBLEM***

Today it was just going to be me my mate and the annoying boy but it turns out annoying boy invited someone else let call him undesiarable 1(because he is a ned) i told my friend my displeasure at this. I then said yeah he will invite otehrs and it will go back to the way it was with vandals hanging around with us,He said i was talking rubbish when surprise surprise undesirable 1 brought undesirable 2 this just made me annoyed so when we went to play football i just sat out as i didnt want to play with them. annoying boy still touching my mate and my mate laughing at teh undesiarables pathetic attenton seeking jokes and just not talking to me made me feel deserted so i went down the castle to sit for 15 minutes and on my way home i came accross them (my mate and i just ignored each other).

so i am wondering what to do now i feel bad for walking away from my mate but i was bored and annoyed and just wanted to go somewhere and calm down i just hope i havnt destroyed my friendship :(

Post edited by Enigma on 09 April 2004 due to profanity; respect the rules of these forums.
Last edited by daveshow on Fri Apr 09, 2004 5:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I eat green berets for breakfast and right now i'm very hungry"
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Postby Enigma » Fri Apr 09, 2004 3:46 pm

Whatever daveshow, I know what homophobia is - you clearly don't.

Like you said: "go somewhere and calm down." I'm not going to continue removing swear words from your posts when you have been warned about using them.
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Postby daveshow » Fri Apr 09, 2004 5:51 pm

hey everyone i just thought i'd post again as my thread was unlocked just to let you all know.


It seems i overreacted a bit when i said i think my mate has fallen out with me but i still dont want (as do most of us) these people hanging around and i dont want to not go out when ever they are there as it will just make me lose my social life.He is genually annoying and as i said he has been out with us 4 times and 3 of those are uninvited he just takes over and invites people we dont want and i think this is damaging the realationship with my best friend and mt other friends because i just go in a mood when hes there :(
"I eat green berets for breakfast and right now i'm very hungry"
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Postby saz » Sat Apr 10, 2004 3:13 pm

Daveshow, you can't tell your friend who to be mates with - it is up to him. I know you think you are doing the best for him but you can't force him to see your point of view that they are undesirable friends to have.

As you have said, you go into a mood when this guy is around and that is probably part of the problem. No one wants to talk to someone when they are in a mood, whether they have a good reason to be in the mood or not. Perhaps you dont make any effort to be nice to these boys at all, and you appear maybe snobbish or unfriendly, and this can be intimidating.

However good friends you are with someone, 2 years or 20 years you can't run their life for them. For instance, If they want to marry someone you can't stand, there is nothing you can do apart from be supportive and continue to be their friend.

These other boys are not going to tear apart your friendship if it is that strong, but your moodiness and perhaps jealousy/possessiveness may well put up a wall between both of you. These boys might not hang around with your friend forever and may find other mates and if you really dont like them just dont go out when they are around, and see your friend on his own. Is it worth letting this ruin a good friendship? Try and be more tolerant of other people it is the best way to be in life. In most situations there are people who you dont get on with, but you have to learn to tolerate them and be civil.
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Postby daveshow » Sat Apr 10, 2004 4:15 pm

i know your right and ive spoken to my friend and told him how i feel about them and he ina way hes reassured me i am his best mate (by saying i'm the only person he can talk to about "stuff") and when ever i feel i am going in a mood i am gonna remember that so i dont :)



thanks for all your wonderful helpful advice (well most of you)

:D Dave :D
"I eat green berets for breakfast and right now i'm very hungry"
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Postby saz » Sat Apr 10, 2004 5:43 pm

See just remember that he does value your friendship. Tt seems that people have different friends for different things, say one friend who they can talk to which is normally the closest relationship, another friend who they can have a laugh with but then they might not talk about their feelings together, or friends who are really just aquantainces and go around together.

The friendships that tend to last the longest are the strong ones where you can confide in each other. Along the way there can be ups and downs, but ultimately you shouldnt let this sort of thing get in the way. Those boys dont mean you any harm and might just be generally annoying and loud, it isn't personal against you (but maybe they like to do it more to wind you up lol).
Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
cos i'm in love with the inner being
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Postby daveshow » Sat Apr 10, 2004 6:19 pm

probs it just annys me how my friend can act all mates with a couple of them again after the thigns they done (like spreading rumors which i got the brunt of, this might be why i resent them more than him) but it does hurt me that hes even talking to them and i admit that its my fault if i dont go out because they are tehre but there just not my kind of people :evil:
"I eat green berets for breakfast and right now i'm very hungry"
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