Not assertive with friends

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Not assertive with friends

Postby sparkly_star » Fri Jan 07, 2005 11:40 pm

I guess this isn't much of a problem really, but when I meet up with my friends I always end up going where they want, watching what they want etc etc and I don't always want to do what they want to. Sometimes I don't say anything, but if I do I usually still end up going along with what they want.

I wish I could be a bit more assertive sometimes but I'm not very good at it and I'm worried that if I was then maybe they'd go off me a bit, cos they're used to bossing me around?

I'd just like it if sometimes they compromised a bit. Tho most of the time I'm quite happy to just go along with what they want.

I'm waffling now, not quite sure if any of this makes sense :-?
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Postby lilessexgal » Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:40 am

no its only fair that you all agree on somewhere to go! you have a right to be slightly annoyed because they can not boss you around! try and stand your ground but in a good way not horrible way! maybe you could invite your friends somewhere before they ask you to go anywhere?
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Postby sparkly_star » Sat Jan 08, 2005 1:15 am

I do try to stand my ground in a good way, but then I don't wanna offend anyone. I often do ask first, like to go to the cinema but I ask what film they wanna see and if they wanna really see something even if I don't I feel mean telling them I don't wanna see it.
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Postby crying devil » Sat Jan 08, 2005 11:04 am

hiya, well, i used to be like that, i wouldnt tell people what i wanted to do or where i wanted to go, id just let everybody else decide, it just seemed like the easiest option. but now, i kind of stand my ground and say what i want to do, if they don't, well then tough, ill probably just do it anyway! i think its because i know my friends are going to stay my friends, even if i want to do something different to them. so i know i wont end up friendless just for wanting to a see a different film to them or something.
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Postby lilessexgal » Sat Jan 08, 2005 12:15 pm

maybe you could take out a different bunch of friends that want to do what you want and then your other friends may realise that they miss your company!
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Postby sparkly_star » Sat Jan 08, 2005 4:39 pm

crying devil wrote:i think its because i know my friends are going to stay my friends, even if i want to do something different to them. so i know i wont end up friendless just for wanting to a see a different film to them or something.


I think maybe part of the problem is that I'm not secure about alot of the friendships I have.

When I was younger I got mucked around alot by friends, especially by this group of girls I hung around with in secondary school who picked me up and dropped me as it suited them, they kept trying to make me someone I wasn't and they didn't accept me for who I was. They were cruel alot of the time, taking the p outta me and doing things like running off when we were at school or where ever and leaving me not knowing where they were.

I think part of me still has issues with losing friends because of who I am, so consquently I'm not very assertive.

lilessexgal wrote:maybe you could take out a different bunch of friends that want to do what you want and then your other friends may realise that they miss your company!


It's highly unlikely that I'd find a bunch of people that would wanna do the stuff I like, plus I'm not very good at meeting new people and making new friends cos I'm really shy.
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Postby lilessexgal » Sat Jan 08, 2005 4:43 pm

hmmmm this is a tough one! all i can say is tell them you dont want to what they want to do and see what they say and if there like fine you go away then, then obviously they are not good enough friends, but if they stop and say what do you want to do then they are good friends! and you have your way!
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Postby sparkly_star » Sat Jan 08, 2005 8:24 pm

It's not about me getting my own way, it's just I'd like a little more consideration of what I wanna do.
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Postby Loopy » Sat Jan 08, 2005 8:35 pm

If you don't want to do something, then just say!! They'd probably be mortified if they thought they were making you do stuff you don't want to!

I'm really lazy with friendships cos I have so much work and a boyfriend to balance but if I thought one of my mates was feeling like this I'd take time to sit down with her and talk, or go shopping or for a coffee or something. The only problem is, you've gone along with it for so long now. Just pick the girl/boy in your friendship group you feel closest to and spend some time with him/her, doing stuff YOU want to do, and progress from there.

Sorry if I'm not very helpful!
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Postby lilessexgal » Sun Jan 09, 2005 12:16 am

no loopy's right they would probably feel worse knowing they were doing something you so desperatly didnt want to do then!
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Postby sparkly_star » Sun Jan 09, 2005 12:19 am

I just wouldn't know exactly what to say to them or how to word it. I don't want them thinking I'm being difficult or anything.
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Postby lilessexgal » Sun Jan 09, 2005 12:26 am

just say to them look is it alright if we go somehwhere different because i dont like where you have decided to go! and then say i will make sure we all agree on it! so then they know that you are thinking of them aswel as yourself! because there must be something you will all agree on to go to!
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