I ditched her because she wanted to kill herself

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I ditched her because she wanted to kill herself

Postby Emsy65 » Tue Jan 18, 2005 7:06 pm

My best friend, well she isnt anymore wanted to kill herself, but she has know reason for it, apart from her being a bit fat, i don't see what she can hate about her life, nothing serious like a family members death has triggered this, of being dumped, but she just started doing it ever since this other girl hannah came along, who wants to be a goth and says she trys to kill herself also. Her parents havent split either.
I just don't understand it!! PLEASE HELP!!!
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Postby SugarRainbows » Tue Jan 18, 2005 7:08 pm

It sounds like attention seeking, this goth girl is getting attention for doing it? so she might be doing it for that, also there might be some underlying issue that she hasnt told you about, have you talked to her about it?
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Postby lilessexgal » Tue Jan 18, 2005 7:23 pm

yeah have you talked to her about it? there could be more personal issues then that! she could be doing it too attention seek but dont jump to conclusions! you cant just stop being friends with her because of this she might really need your help!?
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Postby 13lack Rosez » Tue Jan 18, 2005 7:44 pm

Try talking to her... It's most likely that she has other problems.

Good luck
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Postby loopylou » Tue Jan 18, 2005 8:57 pm

Even if this girl is attention seeking..then there is still a problem there underlying why she is attention seeking.
Try talking to her about it and see if she opens up to you, people who feel like that dont necessarily have to have gone through major life changing probs like relatives/friends dying or parents splitting up.
This could have been triggered off by a number of little things, that altho arent important or bad to you mabye to her.
Sorry i just know what its like to have friends that completly left me on my own to deal with my depression and it makes it even harder.
try and be there for this girl and talk to her but only if you want to be.
I know attention seeking can be annoying and frustrating but there must be underlying issues like sugar rainbow said.
Dont forget to keep smiling :)
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Postby karennza » Thu Jan 27, 2005 1:44 pm

I agree with loopylou. Quite possibly she is just seeking attention, but she may also suffer from depression - and even though you are (were) her closest friend, it doesn't mean she would necessarily admit it to you, as sadly there's such a stigma attached to it. Depression isn't *always* caused by specific reasons, and even if it is, those reasons can seem extremely trivial to others. It doesn't mean she's not suffering - depression is a funny thing, and can sometimes affect people for no obvious reason...the reasons are not even obvious to the depressed person sometimes, never mind those around him/her.

I'm really not having a go at you, but as loopylou said, depression is made doubly worse when no one seems to care. I think you should talk to her, and try and get her to open up to you. I know it's hard (impossible?) for people who don't suffer from depression to understand what it's like, but she can't necessarily help how she's feeling. She would perhaps benefit from counselling and/or medication - but having real friends and a support network is a good first step, and friends/family who care can help her get any medical treatment she may need.

Having said all that, and I know this is a *gross* generalisation, but in my experience of some goths, it's seen as 'cool' for them to be depressed and suicidal. Not all though - some of the goths I knew were really lovely people. Others had genuine problems, and weren't just 'depressed' for the sake of it, so it's hard to say what the case is here.

There's no guarantee you'll get any answers as to why she's behaving like this, but talking to her and being there for her may help. If she's just doing it because of this other girl's influence - well, I wouldn't say give up on the friendship completely as it's possibly just a phase, but there's no reason why you have to get involved at the same time. However, if you find out that she is genuinely depressed, even if it's for no reason you can fathom, it would be a really good idea to be there for her and show her that you care. If that's the case, the poor girl needs help and love to beat the thing.

Good luck.
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Postby pixiemeat » Thu Jan 27, 2005 3:08 pm

wooooooaaahoooohoooo hooo...

Scuse me!!!

As a person who USED to be a "Goth" for more than six years and one who has many friends who still are I find that really pathetic and really offensive!! Not all goths are suicidle not all of them are depressed and not all of em are doing it for attention or to be cool!!!!

Anyway I think and I'm not saying this cos I'm annoyed at that comment. But i think you're way out of order. For starters you shouldn't just ditch you're best friend because you dont like what shes into anymore. You should've at least spoken to her, supported her. You'll find that people even if you've known em years have secrets and there maybe there is something she doesnt want to tell anyone and thats what is upsetting her, so really you should be more supportive and try and help her out, leaving her out and ditching isn't gonna make her feel any better. So at least give her one chance. Anyway if she is suicidle and serious you should probably tell someone in case she seriously harms herself.

okay I'll be bit more sympathetic another time. i sound harsh but sometimes its for best... sorry
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Postby Enigma » Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:09 pm

I think sometimes it's okay to end a friendship or relationship when the other person is threatening to end their life. Threatening is different from communicating though, and from what's been described so far it sounds like your friend has only ever communicated her thoughts to you rather than threatened you with them? Please clarify.
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Postby pixiemeat » Thu Jan 27, 2005 6:47 pm

well i disagree. if someone is threatening to end their life you'd do all in you're power to help them get the help to sort themselves out. ending you're friendship with them because what ever reason is selfish and you could end up loosing them forever..
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Postby LME79 » Thu Jan 27, 2005 8:29 pm

pixiemeat wrote:well i disagree. if someone is threatening to end their life you'd do all in you're power to help them get the help to sort themselves out. ending you're friendship with them because what ever reason is selfish and you could end up loosing them forever..


I agree and disagree.

Emsy65, how old are you and your friend? When we were 15, I had a friend that always used to say she would kill herself. She used to say it weekly and very very flippantly too. She used to say stuff like "I've made a list of who I want at my funeral" etc etc etc. When she said it for the tenth week running (normally when I hadn't rung her for a day or so) I got fed up.

However if, on the other hand, your friend is being serious about this issue then I would really have a long talk with her.

Erm, I don't think I can be any more helpful until I know details about your age and the situation in which it is said. Am I talking sense? I don't know half the time.

But whatever I mean, I truly wish you all the best.

Good luck.

LME xx
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Postby Enigma » Thu Jan 27, 2005 8:59 pm

I made a distinction between ending a friendship or relationship based on whether the other person was just communicating or threatening. If they are threatening to kill themselves, especially in a relationship, this is abusive and selfish behaviour. It is not selfish to cut ties (pun not intended) with abusive and selfish people.
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Postby karennza » Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:07 pm

Yes, but with depression, it's not always easy to tell whether the person is communicating a 'cry for help' or whether they simply are threatening. Without actually talking to his/her friend, Emsy65 has no way of knowing what the situation actually is. From what (s)he says, (s)he just decided to forget the friend without establishing this.

I think a lot of people don't take teenage (I'm guessing this is a teenage case - my apologies if not) suicide threats seriously, because the teens are such an awkward time hormonally. Sadly, in my town at least, there is quite a high rate of teenage suicide, and some of that stems from teenage depression not being taken seriously. I too had a friend (14ish at the time) who flippantly suggested suicide a lot - I admit, it drove me mad, but she was genuinely depressed however flippant her comments seemed, so I stuck by her (until the friendship fizzled out for other, completely unrelated reasons). It turned out in the end that the girl in question was not only suffering from clinical depression, but from schizophrenia. Thankfully, she never did go through with it, but I don't think she was necessarily just selfish in her threats, because she suffered with two very serious mental illnesses, and wasn't completely in control of her own mind.

So my point is, however half-hearted such threats may seem, you do need to establish with certainty (if it's in any way possible) whether it's just 'big' talk or whether there actually is a problem. Emsy65 also didn't specify whether or not his/her friend is doing this on a regular basis. If it was only once or twice, I really think it was unfair to just drop the friend, who may have needed help. If it was on a more regular basis, it certainly could be construed as abusive and selfish - but remember, depression is a funny thing that makes people behave in funny ways, ways they would not necessarily behave in were they not depressed. It's quite probable the girl needs help; if Emsy65 tried to offer help and support, and is consistently told to get lost, then I could understand the ending of the friendship.
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Postby arwen » Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:14 pm

Everyone is different, and everyone's needs are different. It's hard to say why she's doing this without knowing her.

I had two close friends at school and one used to constantly talk about killing herself and saythings like "if I died tomorrow, would you come to my funeral?" At one point she was DRAWING cut marks on her wrists with a red felt tip pen!
One day my other friend, who is quite blunt and no-nonsense, got totally fed up with it, turned round to her and shouted, "You are so f*ing pathetic, you do this all the time and nobody likes you for it, everyone thinks you're a miserable attention seeking cow!" or words to that effect.
Once she realised that instead of getting sympathy she was making people despise her, she never, ever did it again and she's now the most settled, down to earth and rational person I know. And we're all still the best of friends!

If you are sure she's just attention seeking it might be worth just having it out with her and telling her to pack it in once and for all. But like I say, everyone is different and you know her best. Good luck.

Wen xx
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Postby karennza » Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:16 pm

pixiemeat wrote:As a person who USED to be a "Goth" for more than six years and one who has many friends who still are I find that really pathetic and really offensive!! Not all goths are suicidle not all of them are depressed and not all of em are doing it for attention or to be cool!!!!

Hi pixiemeat, I don't know if this was aimed at my earlier remark or at the original post, but just want to point out that I totally agree that not all goths are suicidal and/or attention seekers. I really don't think that, just in case you thought I did! I was friendly with a large group of goths at a time, and for the most part, they were really lovely. I still have a few goth acquaintances, who are also great people, and still very much respect the gothic culture - indeed, I respect all beliefs/ways of living etc. Hope you didn't think I was having a go; sorry if you did, I honestly didn't mean it that way.

PS. Does anyone else think arwen's comments here are consistently great?! Of course, I never thought about it, but if she is honestly just attention seeking, as arwen says, talking to/having it out with her may help encourage her to grow up, and you wouldn't necessarily have to lose a friendship over it. If it's more than attention seeking, well, I've said enough on that already! But just wanted to add my respect for arwen :)
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Postby arwen » Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:38 pm

WOW Thanx so much Karenzza, I'm touched!!

I think you're great too! MWAH!

LOL :D
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