Friend wants abortion but doen't want b/f to know!?!

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Friend wants abortion but doen't want b/f to know!?!

Postby spider girl » Wed Feb 02, 2005 9:13 am

Yesterday me and one of my best mates were talking about me having Cobain and how she would cope with having a baby........ just general baby talk really #-o .

When she told me that she is actually pregnant with her boyfrends baby but she has an appointment to see the doctor on Friday to discss having an abortion as she doesn't want it.

Fair enough, I mean she is only 17 (like me) and that's upto her but she isn't going to tell her boyfriend she's pregnant and getting rid of his child.
She told me not to tell him, even though she knows we're pretty close.

I know it's none of my buisness but I fell the need to tell him as I have known him since we were 4 years old .

Should I just keep quiet? Or let him know before Friday?
:-?
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Postby arwen » Wed Feb 02, 2005 12:53 pm

Oh lord, what a situation to be in.

If you tell him, you risk making her angry with you, possibly harming their relationship and losing one, maybe two, friends.

If you don't tell him, and he finds out later on that you knew, you risk making him angry and losing him as a friend.

I guess it's their business and not yours at the end of the day, but in my opinion she should tell him. After all, this baby is a part of him aswell and surely he should have some say in the matter?

Have you tried convincing your friend that she must tell him?
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Postby arwen » Wed Feb 02, 2005 12:54 pm

Hmm, just a thought but is there any chance she's not telling the truth about this pregnancy?

I gather you have a child yourself, maybe she feels left out or inferior in some way and is making this up for attention?

Just an idea.
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Postby lil devil » Wed Feb 02, 2005 1:26 pm

Hi there,
What a situation you are in, first of all if this girl isn't planning on telling her b/f, and knowing how close you are to him, I just want to say how wrong and to what I think evil she is for putting you in this position. (Although I don't think it was on purpose she proberly had no one to turn to)

How understanding is this lad? If hes a understanding sort of guy then I don't see why they can't come to some sort of dissision together (After all they made the dissicion to sleep together knowing what might be)
If she doesn't want to have the baby (which I can understand been 17) and maybe she knows he will want to keep it, so he might pressuring her into keeping the baby. (which must be horrible)
But like Arwen said is there chance she is not pregnant?

I think you should try and talk her into talking to her b/f, if this doesn't work and you decide not to say anything to the the b/f then I suggest you tell her you don't want to hear anymore about the pregnancy again.
First of all think if you can keep this secret forever.
What about getting a pregnacy test for her to do and get her to do it at your house see if you can see the line just to be on the safe side
Anyway hope it all works out hun, try not to worry too muck
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Postby saz » Wed Feb 02, 2005 1:27 pm

Hi. Especially now you are a mum your emotions are very different to your friend who obviously feels stuck in this situation. It is her decision, and yes i dont think it is right to not tell the father of the baby, but that is her choice and if he finds out she has to deal with the consequences. But it is very sad that she feels she can't tell him, and there must be something quite wrong with their relationship if this is the case.

I think it is totally unfair of her to ask you to do such a big thing, but it appears she is in desperate need of support. Perhaps you could support her as much as you feel you can, but make it clear you will not lie or cover up for her. Keep encouraging her to tell him, and try and find out why she doesn't want to.

You telling him will break her trust in you when she needs someone, and you shouldn't be in the position of losing friends over a situation you are not to blame for. Speak to her again and see what she says.
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Postby spider girl » Wed Feb 02, 2005 6:04 pm

arwen wrote:Hmm, just a thought but is there any chance she's not telling the truth about this pregnancy?

I gather you have a child yourself, maybe she feels left out or inferior in some way and is making this up for attention?

Just an idea.


I came on here in my luch break to see if anyone replied to my post and when I read this I realised that maybe she was pretending to be pregnant so I meet up with her and made her buy another pregnancy test so we could go through it together and she is pregnant.

I talked to her about telling her boyfriend as I don't want to see anyone get hurt and she's still hell bent on doing it alone.

When I saw her boyfriend this afternoon I tried to pretend everything was normal but he knows when I'm lying as I ain't good at it.
I'm sure she's going to think I told him, but at this precise moment in time I don't care.

I'm dreading going to college tomorrow if she thinks I have said something. I have tried ringing her but she isn't answering.

Let you know tomorrow whats happening.

Thanks for all the advice.
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Postby arwen » Wed Feb 02, 2005 6:11 pm

Hope everything goes alright.

Just remember you haven't done anything wrong, SHE is in the wrong for putting you in this situation and for not telling her boyfriend about the pregnancy. He has a right to know but it really should come from her.

Why don't you print out this page and show it to her, then she might see that it's not just you who feels she should say something!
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Postby Llisa » Thu Feb 03, 2005 3:47 am

Hope everything is ok, but this is a really bad situation. Her boyfriend has the right to know that he fathered a child. I know that I'd be devistated if I was a guy, and found out years later that a former girlfriend aborted a baby that I had had a hand in making.
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Postby loopylou » Thu Feb 03, 2005 2:22 pm

Say she has this abortion and doesn't tell her boyfriend, is she planning on staying with him??
If she loves him enough surely she wouldn't lie to him like this because its unfair on him.

This poor lad needs to know what is going on, and that she is carrying his baby, and this is such a difficult position for you to be in.

I think all you can do is just keep talking to your friend trying to persuade her to tell him. try and twist it and say if she was a man would she want to know that her partner was carrying their child.


If she tells him she may find out that he thinks its best too that she has an abortion and that way they both have each others support and can help each other through this.
I think maybe your friend is still in shock about finding out about this pregnancy and hasnt really been thinking clearly about things.

No matter what happens dont think pet that any of this situation is your fault, your friend has put you in this position and youll deal with it just the best you can and what you thinks best.
Dont forget to keep smiling :)
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Postby spider girl » Sat Feb 05, 2005 1:48 pm

I went to college yesterday expecting her to have a go at me but her and her boyfriend were all over each other.
When I asked if she told him she said that she hadn't as she thought he wouldn't care anyway.

The I didn't see her all day after that and when she came round mine last night she was intears as she couldn't believe that she actually went through with the abortion.
She reknons the only reason she told me was so I WOULD TELL her boyfriend.

I was shocked to say the least, I couldn't believe what she was telling me. I phoned her this morning to see how she was and she apoligiised for putting me in this position but she still refuses to tell her boyfriend and theres no way I'm getting more invovled than I am by telling him.

I choose the weirdest friends. Thanks for all the advice.
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Postby saz » Sat Feb 05, 2005 9:17 pm

Oh hun i can pretty much see that she may well have been too scared to tell him herself... and wanted you to do it for her. She obviously isn't ready to cope with having a baby and has chosen the option right for her, but the whole point of being in a loving relationship is to communicate with each other and put your trust in the other person. Does she value herself so badly that she thinks he would have left her? If he loves her, he would have supported her.

Now it has gone so far that she can probably never tell him because he would be so upset she never told him in the first place. I am sorry but this is her mess, not yours and maybe you should carry on being friends with them but ask her not to involve you so heavily in such private matters - support is one thing, but expecting you to shoulder all the responsibility is another. Good luck
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Postby Stacker » Sun Feb 06, 2005 4:43 pm

I totally agree with saz.
She probably told you because she wanted you to do her "dirty" work for her!
I don't mean to sound horrible but I suspect that part of her loves drama and if you told her boyfriend then thats what she would get.
Like saz said tell her that she can't keep trying to invovle you in such personal matters.

Good lck and I'm sure things will get back to "normal" if theres such a thing.
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