her bloke hates me seeing my best bud

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her bloke hates me seeing my best bud

Postby tinker! » Tue Feb 22, 2005 12:06 pm

Well,

Iv posted about this before but its getting worse.

Lisa, is supposed to be my bestfriend in the whole world. We always have been since born. Weve always lived within 3 doors of each other, been treat like sisters, many people thought we were. We have the same interests, (horses) think the same things are funny. Basically if one of us went some where the other one was there ( holiday, school, shows, dinner). We were inseprable.
Even our families treat us like there own. My grandad even bought her a horse!

Anyway. After leaving school we slightly driffted apart as i moved away to college but we met up on weekends. and lisa was working at a yard where she started seeing a married man (46yrs of age) on the sly (we had both known him years and his wife, and it was knowladge she couldnt have kids).

So in 6 months down the line he had left his wife and lisa and him brought it to public knowledge they were an item. Obviously people were shocked!
Her family disowned her, and lisa stopped calling me as much but i expected this as it was her 1st relationship. But i still took her riding on my horses cos cshe sold hers for him, but he was calling and txting every 2 mins to see what she was up to.

Then suprise suprise she got pregnant at 18. and had the baby last jan.
Anyway lisa grew up very rapidly, and they were now engaged. I could always tell that her bolke didnt really like me being around i guessed it reminded him of her real age cos she turns back to the normal lisa i know.

Iv tried keeping in contact with her but she dosnt call me back, or infact make any effort to see me. ( which i think is down to the greif he gives her when she wants to see me)

Then just before xmas i went to her house to give her a card and i saw a christening card and i said, "oh when are you having the baby christened", she mumbled we did it last week.

Obviously i was shocked but didnt say anymore.

Then iv been having a pretty bad time recently and thought ill pop round to see lisa. But she was busy so i couldnt. ( i called her off my dads mobile) Then iv called again(off dads mobile), only for a BT lady to come on the line saying the caller is not accepting your calls!!!!

So my 1st guess is, her bloke has without lisa knowing barred what he thought was my mobile phone! (or lisa might know ) and i guess he is hoping i will get the drift andnot see her again cos he's worried when she is with me she will come to her senses and realise shes engaged to be married to a 47yr old and a baby.

Iv always stood by lisa even when her family hasnt, and she is fine when she is alone with me. So i cant see that lisa dosn't want to see me i think its him. Iv always been fine with him, and used to really like him untill he started being funny with me.

What should i do?

Confront her? Move on or fight for my 21yr friendship.

After all i think in a few years she will see the age gap and what he is really like and come back for support.
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Postby lilessexgal » Tue Feb 22, 2005 12:13 pm

this guy is controlling her and you need to try and make her see this! on the other hand if she is happy with how she is living now then i would move on she has obviously grown up different and this is how best friends get even if it breaks your heart! i personally think that this relationship is too much for her at this age and her man is taking control of it and she needs to learn this.
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Postby tinker! » Tue Feb 22, 2005 12:25 pm

well she seems happy, but i can tell she is missing her usual life too. He manipulates her every move.

He wont even let her come shopping for an hour or owt. She tries telling me that he dosn't but its so obvious.

If shes happy then im happy for her but surely she can see she has no friends except old people!! and one day she will think oh my god what have i done, and ill be there for her. after all when she is 30, he will be 57! people at 30 still go clubbing he will be ready to retire.

I must say though she has no money worries, which is good at her age esp with a baby.
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Postby lilessexgal » Tue Feb 22, 2005 12:28 pm

does she actually love him or go for him for the money? i dont mean that horribly but that is sometimes the way when it comes to a younger lady with an older man! well then if shes happy then like you said all you can do is be happy for her! if you think she knows she is missing out on something then maybe try and remind her what she is missing out on like tell her your going out with some friends clubbing or something and see what her reaction is
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Postby Lorelei » Wed Feb 23, 2005 1:28 am

It is impossible to know if Lisa is genuinely happy, or if she is just being controlled. Her partner does sound extremely manipulative. It is such a pity that her family have disowned her, as she probably feels vulnerable and abandoned. Maybe she thinks that she owes this man for standing by her.

He is probably very threatened by you because you might be a 'bad influence' on Lisa, encouraging her to go out and enjoy her youth. He might be afraid to let her socialize with people of her own age, in case she meets a younger man. It does not sound healthy to me, for anybody's partner to forbid them from seeing their friends. I'm sure you're not trying to drag her out on the town every night, as you seem aware of her responsibilities as a mother. If she enjoys riding, or meeting you for a chat, I think it is very worrying that she is not being allowed to do so.

It is extremely important for Lisa to feel emotionally supported by someone other than him. If her relationship is truly negative, she needs to know that there will be people willing to stand by her, if she ever chooses to leave it. Why not send an older member of your own family around to Lisa's house for a chat? Your Mum, for instance? This man might not feel so threatened by Lisa meeting people of his own age, and it would be a way for you to maintain a link with Lisa, even if it has to be through a third person at the moment. You are the closest thing to a family member that she has on her side, and if you give up on her, she might become even more psychologically dependent him.

This is bound to be a very emotional time for Lisa. She's had a new baby, her nearest and dearest have turned their backs on her, and her partner seems to be dictating her life. I'm sure that she wants security, for herself and her child, but if she knows that you and your family will always be there for her, it might give her the strength that she will need to make the right decisions in her life. I understand that you probably don't want to harass her, as your calls are not being accepted, but for her sake, find a way to stay in touch.

I hope the situation improves!

Lorelei xxx
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Postby lilessexgal » Wed Feb 23, 2005 11:12 am

i think Lorelei has explained it much more clearer and i agree
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Postby arwen » Fri Feb 25, 2005 12:15 pm

Nicely put Lorelei!

I think a bit of both is probably true - she probably IS happy enough with this guy, and she puts up with his manipulating ways because she loves him. No-one's perfect and sometimes we have to accept our partner's faults.

Have you tried actually confronting her about your feelings, and telling her how much you value your friendship and don't want to see it disappear?

I can understand why her fella might be a little concerned about the two of you going out clubbing, but surely he wouldn't object to you popping round to spend time with her and maybe having a meal, in his presence if needs be so he can see he has nothing to worry about?

He cheated on his wife for some time with Lisa so he is clearly concerned that she might do the same thing behind his back - after all, he was capable of it so he's probably judging her by his own standards!

I would try and have a quiet chat to her and at least find out what your friendship means in her eyes. Explain that you were upset about the Christening but don't get into a row over it - chances are it had something to do with that controlling bloke of hers but if she's defensive of him she won't admit it and would rather take the rap herself.
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