my best friend

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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my best friend

Postby Risa24 » Thu Feb 24, 2005 11:41 am

My problem is my best friend. She has a boyfriend who she has been with for 4 1/2 years now and they have a son together who is nearly 4. She got pregnant only a couple of weeks after meeting him and I think the son is the main reason for them staying together so long. She has had long term relationships since she was 16/17. The first she was with until she met the guy she is with now and she left the other guy to be with him when she was 20.
Her current boyfriend is very jealous and seems to want her all to himself. He has accused us of being lesbians, me fancying her, etc just because we are friends and he never seems to let her out by herself.
He is crazy. Because of this jealousy he has stubbed a cigarette on her face, followed her home, scratched her mums car because she doesn't like him because she knows what he is like, ripped the letterbox off her door, and forced his way into the house schouting and things like that at 3am. The police have been called out several times on him because of his behaviour but still my friend stays with him.
The thing is though I never get to see my friend alone anymore. If we go on a night out he is always there or comes after about an hour, theres no such thing as a girls night out with her.
Even when we had bought tickets in advance to go to a concert he bought his own ticket a week before the concert, my friend just said oh by the way he wants to come but didn't really say that he actually WAS coming and then he was just there when we met to go so I couldn't actually say anything about it. I did afterwards though but she just said he can get a ticket to it if he wants to see the band too. I was driving and he just kept being really annoying, how he wanted to go home all the time. My friend and he disappeared by themselves for an hour when they went to get a drink, something which should have taken 10 mins tops but they just never came back which meant I was left on my own in a place I didn't really feel comfortable.
Then this week we went to another concert. Thankfully he didn't come this time but we were gone maybe 5 hours and during that time she phoned him at least 5 times, in the car, waiting to go in, before the concert, after the concert, etc and then she was nagging how we had to get back because she was so tired but she wanted to go see him first before she went home even though they had spent the day together so obviously it wasn't because she was tired but because she wanted to get back to her boyfriend.
It ruined a good night because she was always saying I'm just going to ring him...
There are 3 of us who are best friends together, her who always has a long term b/f, my other friend who is a massive slag (I mean that in a nice way. lol) and will do anything with anyone so long as they are male and has never had a boyfriend for more than a couple of months, mostly weeks or one night stands and me. somewhere in the middle, not dependant on men but its nice to have a boyfriend sometimes. I won't go off with strange guys though like she does.
My friend and I were planning on going to a festival over summer. Our other friend can't go but my friend now wants her boyfriend to come. As I'm single it will end up being them 2 together and me tagging along like a spare part which I don't want.
I know it is her as much as him but I want my friend back. I'd like to have one night out where everything isn't about him or with him.
I've tried talking to her about it saying but she just says that why can't he come, hes being nice so whats the problem?
I hardly see her anymore as it is and if I do it is always with him somewhere around.

Wow, that was a long post! lol =D>
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Postby lilessexgal » Thu Feb 24, 2005 12:33 pm

hmmmm this is difficult he doesnt sound like a very nice man i mean stubbing a cigarette out on her face that has gotta hurt! she needs to see that he is controlling her a little bit too much but obviously shes not going to listen to one person telling her so maybe you need to get other people to try telling her? and as for when she comes out you need to find away to take her mind off things so she can stop worrying about what her boyfriend is thinking and she can just have fun so is there anything she has always wanted to do or anything she enjoys to do?

sorry havent been much help!
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Postby Risa24 » Thu Feb 24, 2005 1:06 pm

He isn't a very nice person and its not just me that has told her that. All her family have said things, her mum won't let him in her house, other friends have said things but still she is with him. They split up for a while but she went back to him. I think when she goes out with someone she starts get get obsessed with them. When they were split up she saw a couple of guys and would literally sit by the phone waiting for him to call, text him all the time and ring him all the time. From what she said it seemed he just wanted a casual thing but she got really into him really quickly and even when I said she should cool it a bit or she would scare him off she didn't.
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Postby arwen » Thu Feb 24, 2005 6:12 pm

He sounds like a vile pig and, although I have to admire her for making the effort to stay together for her son's sake, if she is blind to the fact that he's ruining your freindship and wants to let him tag along everywhere without standing up for herself, maybe it's time to look for a new best friend?
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Postby JennaXXX » Wed Mar 02, 2005 2:34 pm

She needs to make a stand against him. It sounds to me like she needs to take some self assertiveness courses.
Unfortunately you cant make her leave this guy. Explain that she will always be your friend but she is hurting you with her behaviour. That might make her think of how this is affecting you as well as her.
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Postby arwen » Wed Mar 02, 2005 2:36 pm

There's no need for her to leave him, especially as there is a child involved, however she really should stand up to him.
The difficulty with this is it's really only her business, and telling her how to live her life probably won't go down well.
But this behaviour is affecting your friendship and you have every right to take a stand against that!
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