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'Billy no Mates' always have been, always will be???

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 2:45 pm
by Krystal

im so alone- having no genuine friends. This has been a problem ever since i can remember- in Primary School i use to spend playtime walking around the playground alone this came to my teachers attention and she asked me who i would like to be friends with so obvisously being really young i chose the most popular group of girls in my class and my teacher asked them to look after me and they did by making me the dogsbody of the group and generally treated me like dirt telling me how if it werent for the teacher they wouldnt even look at me one of them even call me a 'witch' (excuse the language) because i asked if i could be her partner on a day trip out. They also hid my towel and uniform when we use to go for swimming lessons. I was also pushed down the stairs, and when i told the teacher she told me to stop telling lies she didnt believe me because these girls even at this young age could pull off the angel faces and they always did their work.

Secondary school was similar- use to spend my brakes crying in the toilets and lining up for lunch pretending that i was with the set of people in front of me because i felt so embarrassed. Eventually i did make friends and was so happy untill i invited them round to my house (my mum was away) for the weekend and they trashed my flat- i mean totally trashed it im talking flooding my kitchen (my mum had to get new flooring) throwing cat food and oranges at my living room walls, stealing my mums clothes and my mobile phone and money.
So when i chose my college i made sure that no one i knew was going there and i was determined to make a fresh start. ok i did have people in my lessons i could chat to but everyone in my year had their own little groups which were firmely shut.

I met some people my age at my job and for a whole summer i had a group of friends- we met up and went for drinks etc i finally thought i had cracked it but then i was let down again- i started a new and better job but not one person has contacted me despite millions of txts and unanswered calls, not only that they waited untill my leaving drink to tell me about my partner (refer to my other problem in B/f and G/F) but no one has even called to find out if im alright after what they told me.

I JUST DONT GET IT, im a kind person who will bend my back to help people, im not nasty, dont spread romours, im caring and im a great listener and i consider myself to be good company when im out, i know i dont smell, im not big headed SO CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY I CANT MAKE FRIENDS? im in my early twentys and still cry at night because im just so lonely. i tried getting hobbies ie- gym, rollarblading etc but still no luck.
im not the most confident person in the world but i certainly dont stay in the backround.

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 2:57 pm
by captainf

Sorry to hear of the way things are for you. Do you think that you could be too nice? I only ask this because I noticed you said you would bend over backwards to help people...etc which makes you an absolutely wonderful person in my eyes, however I have a similar outlook to you, but when I was talking to my counsellor recently about the way friends have screwed me over recently, she told me that as i'm so 'passive' (I dont know how she saw that in me) that most people are likely to take advantage of that and use me. Maybe this is something that is happening with you? People only want to talk to you or be your friend when they want something from you! If you was to be more assertive with them, then maybe they will hold alot more respect for you?

Do you do any activities which are more fun and hobby orientated? Maybe joining some sort of club, eg sports, or even something like model or stamp collecting! It's a great way to meet new people! When I go plane spotting, or even go to the aeroplane model shop at the Sheraton Skyline hotel next to Heathrow, I always end up chatting to people who share the same interest as me! Like you, i'm not the most confident person going, but put me with people that share the same interest as me and i'm a completely different and much more confident person. Maybe this will work for you?

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 3:10 pm
by Krystal
Thanks for replying, your not the first to have said this and your right maybe i am too nice but at the end of the day this is me i cant be anyother way because i would be myself. i cant even be horrible because i feel too guilty.
I understand what your saying but it seems and is becoming more apparent that all the bitchy people are the ones that end up with friends. please i dont mean to offend anyone.
A good friend will do anything they can to help someone- why is this such an offputting trait?

Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2005 3:51 pm
by LME79
It's not an offputting trait my sweet- it's an incredible feature.

You have just been unlucky, that is all. I was sort of like you at school. I did have friends, but I wasn't in the popular cliques or anything...when I was at university, I didn't feel I could talk to many people at all without me thinking that I was an embarrassment or burden.

My sister was also the same but she now has an incredible set of friends that she happened to meet at her second college. I promise you will get there eventually and in the meantime, I think you should do a little "me work", as hippy as that may sound. You already know that you are a kind person, write down some other things about you that make you brilliant.

Don't be despondent sweetheart, you will meet fantastic people soon! Just be thankful you have gotten rid of the bad eggs!!

LME xxx

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 11:53 am
by JennaXXX
I can relate to you in some ways. I have a group of good friends now but I remember that feeling when you feel you have no close friends. Like you I can also be too nice and some people take advantage. However dont stop being nice because of this just make yourself that what you give to people they give back!
Be friendly and approachable and show an interest in other people. I would definitely suggest joining a club that you would find interesting, Its probably the best way to make new friends.
You sound like a great person with a good heart so relax!

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 1:23 pm
by Krystal
Thanx Jenna youve made me smile :D

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 1:26 pm
by JennaXXX
Krystal it seems to me like there are fewer and fewer people who have good hearts and who are genuinely nice.
If you have that personality trait then never let anybody take that away from you.
Good friends will come along in time, trust me on that.

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:39 pm
by arwen
Hi hun, I really don't know how to say this without sounding utterly bigheaded so I'm just going to go right ahead and suffer the wrath of others later!...

I was the same as you, I never had any real friends, just lots of vague acquaintances; the only difference being it was mainly due to my own choosing and the fact that I genuinely preferred my own company!

Eventually I realised the reason behind it was that (here we go!) there just weren't many people in the world who I considered worthy of being friends with! I know that's unbelievably conceited, but there's no other way to explain it.

Maybe, even going all the way back to primary school where you chose to be with the "popular" kids, you have simply been targeting people who, quite frankly, aren't good enough for you?

You sound like a genuinely lovely person and there are people out there who will appreciate you, respect you and love you for it. Sadly there's also a lot of trash in the world.

The only thing I can suggest is keep doing what you're doing and making the effort to get to know people. I have a saying - "Life is like a jumble sale - you have to sift through a load of junk to find a true bargain!"

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 2:43 pm
by arwen
Krystal, I've just noticed you're in London. Did you know there is a group you can join, I think it's called Spice, and they do loads of different activities like rally driving, horse riding, loads of different stuff, and it's basically for people to meet new folks and make friends with people with similar interests. I will try and find you a link if you're interested, my Dad has just joined and he says it's brilliant.

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:19 pm
by umistgirl
Awww Krystal, I sympathyse with you so much, what you have written is a mirror image of what I have been through. I have a few vague aquaintances but no close friends. It upset me too sometimes, especially since I too feel I have a lot of loyalty, support and generosity to offer friends...ah well :roll: , everyone I become friends with seem move on when they move jobs/schools/houses etc.

I quite often get fooled by people taking my better nature for advantage and hurting me, but somehow it never deters you from trying to be nice to the next person. I have loads of hobbies/ interests etc but although i form friends within them, whenever i try and organise a drink/night out/anythign outside of it- everyone has other friends and other lives!

All I can sugest is to keep trying and not give in, don't get put off by the nasty people. In the end, it batters down your self confidence (thats whats happened to me) and you don't feel worthy to be people's friends anymore but you MUSTN'T think like that cos the situation will get worse!

When you do form a good friendship then you will have a lot to offer someone, and you won't take the friednship for advantage like some people do.

Arwen's suggestion was a good one (about Spice), I wish they had it in other places around the country. Wanting to meet new people for friendship is often a bigger stigma than 'dating clubs' becasue people just expect you to have friends from childhood and it makes you feel like a bad person to not have any friends.

Sorry for the long post, one more thing, try getting in touch with people you may used to know. I have done this recently- and although i had gotten myself in to the mindset that they woldnt want to hear from me or didnt like me, I was very surprised to receive some really lovely replies.

Good luck!
Tracey :-)

Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:46 pm
by Krystal
Thank you all of you sssssssssssoooooooooo much, i was beginning to loose all hope and faith in people altogether but you all have restored my faith and its so good to know that there are others out there that have shared this heartache, people dont really understand when you say to them that you dont have any friends and your right it does have a stigma to it. To top it all ive literally just been made redundant but im looking at it in a different light and im hoping any new jobs will help me meet more new people, thank you once again :D