The old problem: A girlfriend came between 2 best mates

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The old problem: A girlfriend came between 2 best mates

Postby mccannalex » Thu Mar 24, 2005 12:05 am

Hi,

I don't normally post on problems pages, but i'm literally tearing my hair out with my best mate and hope a bit of outside advice may help us both.

BACKGROUND
I'm 27 and gay. He's 30 and straight. We've been best mates for the past 7 years and shared a lot together. He was the guy that helped me come out and in many ways he saved my life as a result. Over the years the mates I had and the mates he had have drifted away, although we both have several other mates. Still we've probably been closer and more intense than most male mates are ...we chat on the phone every day and see each other at least twice a week

For a while I used to be head over heals in love with him, which he's aware of. He knows these feelings stopped near enough 2 years ago, but he won't completely let it go and brings it up regular in the heat of arguments

THE PROBLEM
For the past 6 months we've been arguing continually and he's under the impression that it's down to the fact that i'm unhappy with him seeing a new girlfriend. This situation has never arose before (except with one GF who caused a lot of problems between us) and it's even more bizarre as Im perfectly happy for him seeing someone as the guy deserves a nice girl.

I have told him countless times that I think she's a nice girl (in fact i've said it so many times i'm starting to get bored of saying it). When we've arranged nights out it's always been around whichever nights he's not seeing his girlfriend and i'm happy with this as I realise he has other committments now. Yet from his side there still seems to be a problem whatever I try to do.

We have still seen each other regularly, but it's been begrudgingly on his part. Night's out have been greated with the I don't want to go / I don't want to be here / didn't want to go and regular conversations we've had he's been continually snappy.

I'll be the first to admit I have got a fiery temper and on occassions I've snapped back and ranted on and on at him when he finds it impossible to spare a night or two of his time a week, but this is usually after i've offered to base everything around his arrangements with his girl.

We're currently on a break from each other after he cancelled a holiday we planned to take together. To be honest im at my wits ends. I seem to be doing everything and bending over backwards yet it's still not enough...but at the same time our friendship used to be so strong and I don't just want to walk away from it for something that 2 adults should be able to sort.

CONCLUSION
Anyone got any advice or been in a similar situation? Am I being unreasonable or can you see where I'm coming from?

Alex
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Postby Faith80 » Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:41 pm

Hi! I think you are right to take a break before things got worse.

Unfortunately, this is just the natural course of things when your mate finds a partner. Their priorities change and they have this other person that they want to spend their time with, but it doesn't mean that you're friendship still isn't important to them.

To be honest, I don't see why you think that you might be being unreasonable, I don't see what you have done to be unreasonable. There is obviously something going on with your friend that is causing him to misunderstand your feelings on this situation.

I have told him countless times that I think she's a nice girl (in fact i've said it so many times i'm starting to get bored of saying it).


If you're getting bored of saying that, then maybe he's also so used to hearing it that it doesn't actually mean anything to him. He possibly needs to hear more than that from you before he realises that you actually mean it. So try sitting down and talking to him in more detail about how happy you are for him.

Good luck! :)
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Postby mccannalex » Sun Mar 27, 2005 12:31 am

I don't think I'm being unreasonable either...it's just that i'm being told on a regular basis that I am being unreasonable and not giving him space (despite the fact every night we've had has been based around whatever night his girlfriend has something else on)

Looking on this board it seems a regular occurence that this problem happens (mates push away best mates as soon as a partner comes along).

Considering he's seen several close mates do exactly to him as he's doing to me is there anyway I can approach this subject with him without it turning into an almightly arguement? Every time I've approached it calmly and tactfully i've had a torrent of abuse levelled back at me so I need to approach this with care

Alex
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