Am I overreacting?

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Total votes : 11

Am I overreacting?

Postby Domus Clamantium » Sun Apr 17, 2005 10:23 pm

I have a friend who lives some distance away, and we used to keep in regular contact and meet up every few weeks (we both support the same football team , so meet up to go to games and stuff and often crash at each others, depending on where we've been) but recently i've been hearing from her less and less - when we havve met up, we've had a good time and everythings great, but as soon as we've gone our seperate ways its as if I don't exist - she very rarely responds to texts (tho apparantly she does this to everyone) and i'm lucky if i get one e-mail a week, and last night I came very close to having a blazing row with her over it (the only thing stopped me was that se'd had a lot to drink and didn't wanna get into row with her in that state.

It started when she e-mailed me last week saying she was thinking about coming home this weekend, but wasn't sure, howver she'd let me know if she was - as i didn't hear anything from her I assumed she wasn't coming home, so i was pretty surprised to see her in the pub last night. When I asked why she hadn't said anything, she said she only decide at about 4pm on Friday and was to busy to e-mail me, and she'd left her phone at home so couldn't text me (which dosen't surprise as she always forgetting her phone). Now I don't believe she did this on purpose, and I'm fairly sure that it wasn't coz she didn't want me to know she was coming down - afterall, why tell me that she was thinking of it and why go to the pub that she knows I drink in? and she didn't appear to mind be being there - in fact she even came along when I suggested going to a different pub.

The thing is, its starting to feel like its a one way friendship, and that she only sees me as a "last resort" if shes got no-one else to go to football with, and as soon as something better comes along, i'll be cast aside like an unwanted toy!!! Another example of this is that in few weeks we're going to Nottingham as its the last game of the season. We talked about it a couple of weeks ago and decide that we'd get a hotel and stay over night in Nottingham, so I e-mailed her a few days later with details of some hotels, and she replied saying that the plan had changed, and she was now going with her sister, housemate and best friend - and that they didn't know what they were doing so i was better off "just getting a room with my mates or something". Now before we'd even talked about staying in Nottingham, she'd already agreed that I could stay at hers as she only lives down the road, which I now can't do if she dosen't know what shes doing yet!!!

To be fair, she has done a fair bit for me - when I had problems with my car she let me crash at hers to save me having to try and drive home late at night, and when we recently missed our train from football she paid for us to get a hotel, but it still feels like she only sees me as a friend when it suits her.

So, should I say something to her, or am I just overreacting and taking it too personally?
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Postby V23 » Sun Apr 17, 2005 10:57 pm

I don't think you're overreacting.
It doesn't sound like this girl is being malicious or deliberatley trying to push you out but she's being very inconsiderate in just not bothering.
You have to say something to her (she might not even realise what she's doing) if you want the friendship to survive.
Good luck x
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Postby JennaXXX » Mon Apr 18, 2005 9:07 am

Definitely say something. If you dont then it will end up in a huge argument.
Dont accuse her of anything just explain how upset certain actions make you feel. If she is a good enough friend then she will apologize and try to change things.
You are not over reacting. Friendships needs to have communication and honesty otherwise there is no point.
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Postby arwen » Mon Apr 18, 2005 12:25 pm

Have a sit down (when you're both sober!!) and gently explain how she's making you feel. It's likely she doesn't even realise she's doing it and it just needs pointing out to her.
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Postby Domus Clamantium » Tue Apr 19, 2005 7:34 pm

Well I was gonna wait until I saw her next, but last night was the last straw...

...in the first message I mentioned how she blew me out of our trip to Nottingham coz she wanted to go with her sister, housemate and best friend - well thats fair enough. But last night I was browsing a football messageboard, when I came across a message for her from this guy (which is a different story) asking her to e-mail him about the "night out in nottingham"!!!! Well it was bad enough being blown out in the first place, but to be blown out for someone who she described as "a small-minded, bigotted tosser, who I hope drowns in a cesspool of his own vomit" made me feel extremelly worthless - afterall, if thats what she thinks of him, then she can't think much of me if she'd rather spend her time with him than me!!!

Anyway, I confronted her with this, and she said that he's only saying to get at me (theres history there), and in any case, she can "do what she wants, when she wants, and with who she wants, and dosen't have to answer to me or anyone, and if I don't like it then I can just tell her "Get lost" - well at the moment i'm really tempted to do just that!!! I know technically she's right - I'm not her keeper and have no claims to her life, and it really is up to her how she lives it - but if thats the atitude shes gonna take, is it really worth bothering with??? I've told her a number of times that I care about her and will always be there for her, yet she seems take offence to it!!! Why would she do that - if someone said that to me then I would feel privaliged to have such a good friend!!!

So, after this I e-mailed her - now i was quite harsh with her, and basically got things off my chest - however, I did tell that I didn't wanna fall out with her or lose her - and I also asked her if she really wanted me to tell "to just get lost". Well if that is what she wants, then shes gonna have to say it - i'm prepared to make that decision, coz I don't wanna be the one left with any regrets - if its her decision to end this friendship, then I've got no choice in the matter, therefore can't have any regrets!!!

As yet i've not had a reply, which I kinda expected, coz shes probably gone off in sulk like she usually does when someones critical of her, so I guess now i'll just have to wait and see....

Edited by smile for profanity. Swearing is NOT tolerated on this forum, this is a family forum.
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Postby V23 » Tue Apr 19, 2005 9:19 pm

sorry it's not going well hon, it sounds like you're trying your hardest to make the friendship work and she's just throwing it back in your face. Friendship's shouldn't be so hard, yeah everyone argues from time to time but you don't need to take her blowing you out and having a go (if this is a constant thing).

I think you should just let her get on with her sulk for the time being and i'm sure she'll realise her behaviour. Sorry i don't really have much advice, hope it all works out for you
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Postby sami-jo1986 » Tue Apr 19, 2005 9:24 pm

i dont think you are over reacting at all, you should say something and maybe she will realise what a good friend you are

Good luck x
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Postby Domus Clamantium » Sun Apr 24, 2005 8:52 pm

Well I got a reply from her - as I thought, she got all defensive and bullish, and the went on about how "she doesn't like all this caring rubbish, and dosen't like having to worry about other people and have people nosing into her life" - now if she was my girlfriend I would have dumped her by now, but shes not and that seems to make it more important that I don't give up on her.

I saw her on Saturday, and apologised for letting things build up like that and letting out in the way that I did, but I also told her that I still stand by everything I said - and again, she got defensive and told me that I had no right to have a go her, her personality or what she does - at this point I was ready to just walk away from her and tell to stick it!!! (and I probably would have done if I wasn't 200 miles away from home)

However, a bit later on she told me that she always seems to attract nice people, yet doesn't deserve to coz shes such a witch, and thats probably why she hasn't got a boyfriend (her own words) - I said she was right, and that she didn't deserve me (not in a nasty way) - and she agreed!!!

Now its things like this which make me believe that shes not a nasty person at heart, but that theres another reason why she feels the need to be a witch - yet if she won't let me in, how am I supposed to understand it???

Is it really worth bothering with anymore? Would it not be a whole lot easier to just cut her out of my life completely?

Edited by smile for profanity. Please do not swear on the forums.
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Postby danielle » Wed Apr 27, 2005 2:52 pm

when u have been friends for ages and then she moves quite far away its really hard to make new friends but keep ur old ones to. trust me i know a true friend is sum one u might not see for ages but still get on when u r together
friends are for life but u dont need to talk to them every day to see if u r still friends
im sorry if this seems harsh but its true
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Postby elmo24 » Thu Apr 28, 2005 1:14 am

Hey,

By the sounds of her defensive reactions, I think she's feeling a bit inadequate at the moment...that doesn't excuse her behaviour though. I'm afraid there are many people in this world like her - people who just use you for their purposes, then drop you when something more 'exciting' comes along.

My advice is to stop bothering with her completely and also to stop beating yourself up...you're clearly much too good a friend for her to ever appreciate.

Chin up :wink:
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