Falling for your housemate

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
Forum rules
NEW USERS HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEIR FIRST POSTS TO BE APPROVED BY AN ADMINISTRATOR. Rules | Essential Information | FAQ | Support | Twitter

Falling for your housemate

Postby Polly7 » Thu May 05, 2005 8:12 am

Hey,

I am in a bit of a pickle and I was wondering if you could help me. Basically I moved into a student house for my second year in September with some friends I had made in my first year. I became very close to one of my housemates. We spent loads of time together and flirted with each other a lot. By Christmas I had fallen for him in a big way. I talked to my other female housemates about it and they said they thought he liked me in that way too. So I told him over the Christmas holidays and he told me that he was very sorry but he did not feel the same way. I was very hurt and upset by this and felt like I had also lost my best friend.

Things were awkward when we came back to University in January but we both made a big effort to get over the problem and remain friends. I was very upset and depressed a lot of the time and he would listen to me for hours when I was crying. I found it very difficult to accept the way he had hurt me and still be his friend and believe he cared about me. He still flirted with me which I often found painful but it was worse when I told him to stop doing it because it seemed like we weren’t friends anymore.

I came back after Easter determined to have a new start and to concentrate on my exams. Things seemed fine between us and we were close like we had been before. However then my housemate told me that he is in fact gay and that he has been in a relationship since February. I was really upset and shocked - not because I am homophobic in any way but because I felt he had lied to me. I am finding it really difficult to come to terms with all that has happened - and I know it sounds like something from a soap opera but its all true! I don’t want to lose him as a friend as he was the best friend I have ever had and he seems to want to carry on being friends too but how can I trust him now he has lied to me?

Any help would be much appreciated

Thanks
Polly7
Just Landed
Just Landed
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 8:05 am

Postby singingsmiler » Thu May 05, 2005 9:01 am

I'm not sure that he has lied to you. He has not told you something but that is different to lying.

There are a number of reasons he may have kept his sexuality from you.

It may be because he wanted to spare your feelings.
He may have been worried about your reaction.
He may not have felt ready to tell you.

It is difficult when we discover that people have kept parts of themselves away from us especially when we feel so close to them but i think you should re think your idea he is a liar.

At the moment you are feeling rejected understandably and now you have had another shock. It is ok to be confused - thre is a lot for you to take in.

I think you should talk to your friend about how you feel - it is best to be open and honest with those around you about the way you feel. Try not to accuse him of anything but just explain your feelings. It seems that he really cares about and i'm sure he didn't intend to be hurtful in any way.

It will take time for you to sort out a lot of what's going on in your head but that's ok. Just make sure you don't isolate yourself from a really good friend.

SS xx
User avatar
singingsmiler
Part of the Furniture
Part of the Furniture
 
Posts: 736
Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2005 10:15 am
Location: Surrey

Postby BlueRayman » Thu May 05, 2005 1:50 pm

Hi

It is really hard telling the people you care about that your not straight - REALLY HARD! It sounds like hes still coming to terms with it himself if he wasn't honest about it from the start.

He's not lied to you you can be sure of that. Personally I think you should try and been the best friend you can and concentrate on that. You must mean alot to him if hes told you now when his sexuallity isn't/wasn't something hes open about.

Hope it works out for you
---Ray
It takes more than a bullet to stop fate.
User avatar
BlueRayman
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 266
Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2004 11:29 am
Location: Isle Of Lewis

Postby lilessexgal » Thu May 05, 2005 6:28 pm

he hasnt lied to you in the respect that he turned you down because he didnt feel the same which was the truth and for some people admitting your gay (which obviously there is nothing wrong with that) is hard because they do not know what people will say about it. he was obviously just scared to tell you or else he would of told you. you say he still sounds like a good friend so keep it like that dont lose hime because you found out hes gay and you think hes lied. just let things carry on as you two being best mates and let him know if he ever wants to talk he can talk to you.
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]
Image
[/url]
User avatar
lilessexgal
Permanent Fixture
Permanent Fixture
 
Posts: 1938
Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2004 10:21 pm
Location: Essex

Postby Polly7 » Sun May 08, 2005 5:36 pm

Thanks for all your help.

I am trying really hard to just carry on being friends with him and mostly thats fine but some times I get so upset and I cant stop crying and I feel so lonely because I dont have anyone to talk to about everything. Which is difficult but hopefully things will get better.

I also havent met his new boyfriend yet. I am not sure I want to but I am worried the longer I put it off the more scared I will be of doing so. Do you think I should try to meet him as soon as possible?

Thanks
Polly7
Just Landed
Just Landed
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 8:05 am

Postby Lorelei » Sun May 08, 2005 5:50 pm

It might be a good idea for you to think about getting out more and going on a few dates. You don't have to rush into anything serious, until you're really over your flatmate. However, it might do you good to see what's out there (in terms of other men) rather than focusing on your heartbreak.

As for feeling that your friend was dishonest with you, I agree with everyone else. He may have been struggling with 'coming out', and I'm sure that it was never his intention to mislead you. People have to decide when to share things with their friends, in their own time.

At least, the fact that he's gay must make the rejection a bit easier to bear! It wasn't that he didn't fancy you; He couldn't! Concentrate on your own social life, and once you've recovered from the shock, I'm sure you and he can be great friends again. xxx
User avatar
Lorelei
Permanent Fixture
Permanent Fixture
 
Posts: 1572
Joined: Sat May 24, 2003 2:57 pm

Postby Moose » Mon May 09, 2005 6:39 pm

BlueRayman wrote:It is really hard telling the people you care about that your not straight - REALLY HARD! It sounds like hes still coming to terms with it himself if he wasn't honest about it from the start.


I'll second that. He probably felt awful when you told him you liked him, and it probably made it even harder for him to tell you. That's not to say that you shouldn't have told him: you did not know.

Don't blame him. As Ray has said, it is so difficult to tell people you are gay, and I think you should be supportive to him and enthusiastic about meeting his new chap, even if it makes you feel bad. That way, you are being as good a friend to him as possible.
User avatar
Moose
Taken Root
Taken Root
 
Posts: 2003
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2004 8:41 pm
Location: A forest
Gender: Female

Postby singingsmiler » Tue May 10, 2005 9:13 am

Polly7 wrote:Thanks for all your help.

I also havent met his new boyfriend yet. I am not sure I want to but I am worried the longer I put it off the more scared I will be of doing so. Do you think I should try to meet him as soon as possible?

Thanks


You need to consider this carefully - meeting his bf will not suddenly solve all of the confusion you have and it will not take away your hurt. Maybe you should give yourself a while to come ot terms with the fact your friend is gay that has been a big shock to you.

Don't rush things - give yourself some time.

SS xx
User avatar
singingsmiler
Part of the Furniture
Part of the Furniture
 
Posts: 736
Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2005 10:15 am
Location: Surrey


Return to Friends

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron