patronising

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patronising

Postby singingsmiler » Tue Jun 07, 2005 2:10 pm

I have a friend who i have been close to for about 18 months - she had periods of being really patronising and we had a few big arguments.

This all settled down and we were getting on really well. She has a habit of putting peoples' backs up by the way she says things and she does have a habit of taking over - she calmed down and was a lot better.

Recently she started going out with some one 11years older than her she is 22 and she has acted like us as her friends are immature and not worth her boyfriend getting to know.

Her bf has suffered a breakdown previously and he has depression but she deos not understand this - saying he has depressive issues and she will never understand as she has never been through it.

We all went on holiday recently and she was quite rude to us while we were away and was very frustrated with her bf as he was depressed and sepnd the first couple of days in his room - she spoke to me saying she ws thinking about ending it - then she spoke to him and said she had changed her mind because she had got him to admit that he was completely in the wrong.

Now we have not had the chance to get to know her bf that well but he seems like a nice guy and we didn't see him doing anything wrong - a few of us including me, have suffered from depression so we know what's it's like.

She has become extremely patronising again - and i don't know if i can cope anymore - i've given her the benefit of the doubt so many times but i've just had enough.

You may say i should talk to her - but when i have tried she has ended up being quite rude and dismissive.

It's really hard for me because she suffers from low self esteem but she behaves in such a way to make people dislike her and i've tried to explain this to her but she isn't interested.

I just don't know what to do anymore...

SS xx
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Postby Lorelei » Tue Jun 07, 2005 10:08 pm

You have obviously been supportive of her issues, and you have tried to discuss the problems in your friendship. Honestly, what more can you do? You can't interfere in her relationship with her boyfriend, because it's between them. It's up to him to decide if she's treating him properly, and how he wants to deal with it.

If I were you, I would keep hanging out with your friend. However, when she says something hurtful, just reply: "Okay, I really don't need this," and leave. If she realises that you won't tolerate her putting you down, she might learn to be a bit nicer because she will fear losing your friendship. xxx
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Postby JennaXXX » Wed Jun 08, 2005 9:23 am

I agree but perhaps spend less time with her. You need to be around more supportive friends.
You should definitely let her know that her patronizing comments are not on. Pick her up on it everytime she says something you dont like and she will learn that its not on.If she doesn't respect you after you have done this then I would seriously think about this friendship. Lifes too short to be around people who wont respect others needs and feelings.
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Postby singingsmiler » Wed Jun 22, 2005 2:12 pm

Bump!
We have had some space from our friend as she was not making any effort to meet up with us etc... so we have all kind of done our own thing.

I had an email from her today saying that she feels like she isn't wanted and is an ousider but she hasn't made any effort to call us or arrange to go out.

What can i do? What should i say??

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Postby JennaXXX » Thu Jun 23, 2005 9:40 am

Be honest and tell her what you have told us. She may be angry but if she can take on board what you have said then things may improve. If she chooses not to then count your losses and move away from her. She will be the one who has lost out most if she chooses this option.
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Postby singingsmiler » Thu Jun 23, 2005 10:08 am

Yeah it's just really difficult because she won't find it easy to hear - i guess the truth hurts really.

Thanks for your support

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Postby Liquidius » Thu Jun 23, 2005 11:54 am

Yep, I'm in agreement - tell her what you've told us :) The truth hurts, but its the best thing you can do for her in the long run :)
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Postby singingsmiler » Thu Jun 23, 2005 1:09 pm

Have emailed her a reply - will see what response i get!! [-o<
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