Him again

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Him again

Postby Jess1234 » Mon Jan 05, 2009 6:09 pm

Hi
Well I don't really feel like I have a right to be posting on here as I've been away for so long but I just somewhere to rant or something I dunno. A lot of you know about my brother and how he was quite abusive towards me. Well he moved out 6 months ago and so things improved, however after he moved out I started to get flashbacks at night and there were times when I was scared to go to sleep. He came here for two weeks for Christmas and I naively thought that he might have changed but he didn't and in fact he's stronger now than he was and he just hurt me so much and now he's gone again but I just don't feel safe and I'm getting the flashbacks again but not just at night. Everytime I stop and think it all comes back to me again. I just want to feel safe again but I have no idea how.

Jess
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Re: Him again

Postby miaow » Mon Jan 05, 2009 7:44 pm

Hi Jess,

Im not sure what has happened in the past with your brother - and I'm not sure how you can check other posts from a user?? When you say abusive do you mean sexually, verbal or physically ie hitting you?

None of the above are acceptable - do your family know what he has done/is doing? Is there anyone in your family you can turn to for help to stop this happening again? Not sure how old you are but is there anyone at college/uni/work who could help?

With the flashback - go to the doctor, not only do you need this abuse to stop but you also need to deal with it, maybe by talking to a counsellor.

Without knowing what it is Im not sure what else to say. PM me anytime.
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Re: Him again

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Jan 06, 2009 3:38 pm

You post whenever you want it doesn't matter if it's infrequent we are all here to help

Have you talked to anyone apart from your parents about your brother ? (i seem to remember they were not very supportive)
I think you have to keep reminding yourself he cannot hurt you now because he is not there anymore. If you can get any conselling before you go back to uni that would be great but I think you said before you were stuck somewhere remote. I know it sems a while to wait but if you have to then make sure you get soe help once you get to uni because I think you need to get this all sorted in your head even if that is a few months away

Will he be back before you go off to uni again? Where will you be living when you go to Uni i.e will your parnets be coming back with you?
I know they left him behind, why was that?
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Re: Him again

Postby Jess1234 » Wed Jan 07, 2009 1:36 pm

I've talked to a couple of my friends and my boyfriend about it but thats about it and none of them really understand.

To answer your question miaow, he physically and verbally abused me. My family do know what he does but they basically turn a blind eye towards it and just let him continue.

I live in the mountains in India so yeah no access to counselling here but I am going to look into it as soon as I get back to England which will be in June. I will see him again before I start uni as we are going on a family holiday in June and I won't be at uni till september. I will be living in halls at uni but I haven't quite decided which uni to go to yet as the one that has been my first choice for a while would mean I'm living in the same city as him and it is much more likely that our paths will cross. I know I can't avoid him forever and at the moment I'm only seeing him every 6 months.

Bel bel we left him behind because he didn't like living over here and we thought he would do better in college over in England. He is living with a foster family of sorts.

Thanks for reading
Jess xx
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Re: Him again

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jan 07, 2009 5:14 pm

So there isn't really any opportunity for help until uni then. That is sad. Do you have to go on the family holiday could you refuse saying unless they are prepared to stop the violence and support you when he is acting out you don't want to go.
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Re: Him again

Postby Jess1234 » Thu Jan 08, 2009 4:29 pm

I could't refuse coz we are going away for my grandparents 70th birthdays and it would really hurt them if I didn't go. I guess I'll just have to leave it until university and put up with everything until then.. Thanks for your reply x
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Re: Him again

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jan 08, 2009 5:01 pm

try to keep away from him as much as you can when your away
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Re: Him again

Postby Liquidius » Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:40 pm

Well, no offence intended, but so it might hurt them if you didn't go. It'll hurt you if you do go, and they wouldn't want that. You need to get this all out in the open, and keep telling your parents, and friends about it until something is done about it. It's not good enough that they turn a blind eye to it, and you need to make sure they know that. There is absolutely no way you should go on living like this. Being at uni, and moving out isn't going to solve the problem, because he will always be your brother.
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Re: Him again

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri Jan 09, 2009 3:30 pm

Sorry if I come across rude, I really don't mean to if I do so I apologise in advance. Are you an indian family?

In my experience indian culture is more involved in family pride than other factors (such as your abuse). There was a story in the news last year sometime that young indian girl's body was found in a river; her parents were convicted of her murder. They murdered their own daughter to save the family name, it was over something like she didn't want to marry the man they had arranged for her to marry. It is more a culture thing, than a family thing.

The only thing you can do is try and spend as little time with your brother as possible (as you do now). Talk to councillers as has been suggested.
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Re: Him again

Postby Jess1234 » Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:47 am

Hey

no we're not an Indian family! I'm English but I've been living in India for the past two and a half years. The problem is, is that my parents know what my brother is like but they almost refuse to acknowledge it. I do continue to tell my parents but that only gets me into trouble and nothing happens to him. I'm actually quite looking forward to this holiday because I won't have seen my cousins for a year and my grandparents for 6months, I'm just hoping that he won't try anything because other people will be around all the time.
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Re: Him again

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Jan 21, 2009 12:29 pm

Can you try and just stick close to your cousins or grandparents?

Do other family members know what is going on? Could they not help make a compromise.
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Re: Him again

Postby peecee » Thu Jan 22, 2009 9:33 pm

Jess - does he still hit you? :evil:

If he does, let's REALLY work on a solution this time.

If he doesn't, but you're afraid (and yes, some of us have been here with you all along, and know the background, hun :) ), we'll work on THAT.

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Re: Him again

Postby Jess1234 » Thu Jan 29, 2009 9:24 am

Yes he still hits me. But he's not living with me anymore so it's not as much of a problem as it was before. It's just when he visits like he did at Christmas that things get pretty bad.
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Re: Him again

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jan 29, 2009 3:24 pm

IF YOU CAME HOME WITH A BRUISE AND SHOWED YOUR PARENTS AND SAID YOU HAVE BEEN BEATEN UP HOW WOULD THEY REACT? Sorry on caps again :oops: .
Would want to know who did it and would they be caring and concerned?
I would try to approach them in this way and then when they ask who did say your brother. If they react with disgust at a stranger doing it to you maybe that will make them realise it isn't ok when it's your brother.

I know it's almost tricking them into seeing it as a problem but it is.
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