brother has cancer but we don't speak:very personal

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brother has cancer but we don't speak:very personal

Postby PH46 » Mon Jun 08, 2009 5:41 pm

My brother - who I havn't spoke to for 3 years has been diagnosed with skin cancer which has spread. The reason we don't talk is long - sorry, but my anger stems from the fact he abused me on more than one occassion when I was a child. Dispite telling my parents - it was swept under the carpet. I later brought this up as an adult and he basically tried to turn the story around, accussing him of abusing me. I am angry because all I wanted for him to admit it and say sorry. After my mother died - we did get close and I was really good to his children, who I miss seeing. After this time, he developed a really negative attitude and was sacked from his job. With no money, he ran up a high telephone bill which he denied and with permission used my dad's card to withdraw £100, but in fact took out £200 and denied it to my dad. He was asked to move out over Xmas for which he had no money and I lent him 50pound for which he never paid me back. I admit being hurt and called him an 'effing lying hat' hence our silence ever since.
Despite the fact, before my mother died, she asked me to always make contact with my brother - I have disobeyed her wishes because I needed to stand up for myself and rebuild my fragile degree of confidence that I was loosing.
Part of my brother's problem is because he refuses to see when his done wrong - his ex doesn't want anything to do with him and he doesn't see his kids.
I just feel uneasy because - ok he is my brother and I idolised him as a kid and they say you shouldn't worry what people think, well I do for those that matter like my deceased relatives. I feel like the black sheep when I shouldn't - even my mother admitted that my brother was a lyer and hated this part of him.
So, he's got cancer - i dont know the prognosis, but I know I don't want any part of his life when he has inflicted too much pain and humiliation on me. I am far from being a hard cow, but I can't tell my father, who after my mum dying of cancer and this, the stress would be too much. My brother is 35 and I am 32 .
For those reading this: what would you advice / do in my shoes?
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Re: brother has cancer but we don't speak:very personal

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Jun 09, 2009 8:58 am

I'm just trying to understand the problem (apologies if I have misunderstood), you don't want to tell your dad about your brother having cancer? Do you think your dad would rather know now rather than when it's too late? I think I would rather know now and deal with the pain now rather than if too late and if your brother does die, your dad will then have to deal with the secrecy that you both kept from him and the fact of cancer.

You could get in contact with your brother only via phone or something? That way you are still in contact, it will probably make you feel better being in contact, but you still have your privacy and you don't need to physically see him with everything thats happened in the past.
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Re: brother has cancer but we don't speak:very personal

Postby PH46 » Tue Jun 09, 2009 9:36 am

I would never hide the fact he has cancer - only the abuse he inflicted on me which no one in the family knows about.
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Re: brother has cancer but we don't speak:very personal

Postby mattmxl » Tue Jun 09, 2009 10:05 am

I'd stay stick to your guns and have nothing to do with him still. I don't get on with my brother for things that happened when we were younger but not for reasons as serious as yours are. I doubt very much that my feelings towards him might change because he became ill and if that makes me seem cold and heartless then I apologise, but I tell things like they are. If I'm honest I think your dad will want answers out of him if he believes what you tell him about the abuse, something he will not be able to get if your brother dies, so I personally would tell him about it. Make it known to the family that he did this to you.
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Re: brother has cancer but we don't speak:very personal

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Jun 09, 2009 10:41 am

Tell your dad, he has a right to know as well; he may protect you now, he can offer advice.
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Re: brother has cancer but we don't speak:very personal

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Jun 09, 2009 12:23 pm

it's up to your brother to tell your dad the situation
However i can understand you may not want to bring up the abuse and I think it may be best not to, it could be tken that you are trying to get sympathy when your brother is the ill one. If peopole want to attack you they will use alsorts of ways to do it
I think you just have to hold you head high and if pushed say I have my reasons for not talking and i don't wish to discuss them with anyone
As for your brother and his illness you do not have to make up with him becasue he got ill. If he is a horrible person this may change him but he has to do all the proving adn apologising if he wants you back in his life
His ex wants nothing to do with him and the kids don't see him so why should you feel bad, it's not like your the only one who has had troubles with him
I know you promised your mum but it was an unreasonable request knowing what he is capable of. She was just trying to make sure he would be ok and you gave her that reassurance but that doesn't mean you should be bound by it, things have changed and you are right to protect yourself. you cannot keep a promise that will have ill effects and cause decstuction in your own life and I am sure your mum would agree
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Re: brother has cancer but we don't speak:very personal

Postby Jess1234 » Wed Jun 10, 2009 12:46 am

I can completely understand you not wanting to see your brother. I was abused (I'm reluctant to use that word but I guess thats what it was/is) by my brother and when I have the choice I would prefer not to be in contact with him as seeing him or even speaking to him brings back very painful memories. I don't think that telling your dad would be a good idea, especially as your brother has cancer. I know my parents have watched my brother hurt me and not done anything about at, in fact they have completely turned a blind eye to his behaviour and blamed me on occasion. However my opinion is just based on my own experience and perhaps your dad would react differently.
I don't think your promise to your mother should be kept, you need to protect yourself from him and think of your own safety rather than worrying over a promise that you made. I agree with Bel bel, I don't think your mum would want you to do something that would be damaging for you.
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Re: brother has cancer but we don't speak:very personal

Postby morris mouse » Fri Jun 12, 2009 3:03 pm

"PH46" I respect the view that you have about your brother (because he abused you) BUT the main thing to remember
is that he is dying of cancer. :(

He is alive just now,& this is the way that you would like to feel,but please look to the future. Whenever your brother
dies,you CANNOT change anything (you know within yourself what you would like to change,in this situation!!!)

Please consider this while time allows.
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Re: brother has cancer but we don't speak:very personal

Postby ennis81 » Mon Jun 29, 2009 10:12 am

Hi hun,
I'm very sorry to hear that he has cancer and obviously that is awful for anyone, but I don't think it would do you any good to be involved with him, yes he is unwell but he hasn't treated you with any love or compassion has he, I understand you might feel bad for him thats only natural but I imagine it must have been very hard for you having bein abused by him and then having it shoved under the carpet as to not cause trouble for anyone else, he should have been made face up to the pain and suffering he caused you. I'm pretty sure this abuse must have had a very negative affect on you growing up and the fact that no one in the family knows must make you feel like he was protected and you weren't.

Take care of yourself hun :wink:
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