i compare my life to my sisters

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i compare my life to my sisters

Postby mel » Mon Feb 22, 2010 4:32 am

I always compare my life to my sisters who i have 5 of. when i hear if they have been on holiday or bought something new for the house or got a good job i start looking at my life and thinking that i wish mine was like theres or that they have a better life then me. they all have children like me except one who doesn't and out of the five two of them have good jobs and the other three do voluntary work , agency work and one is at college.
The one who does agency work only does two days aweek and as got a new car, been on holiday, and always seems to buy stuff for the house and her partner isn't working and i wonder how she does it when she as kids two kids to feed and clothed as well. my husband works and i work part time but we can never afford a holiday or stuff for the house etc and i get jealous when i hear of this sister who can do all that.
another one is a one parent with two kids and she works part time but manages to go abroad every year, have little breaks throughout the year, drives a car and dresses lovely and i dont know how she does it either. why do i compare myself when eveyone is different and have different lives? is it normal to feel jealous of your sisters like i am?
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Re: i compare my life to my sisters

Postby Liquidius » Mon Feb 22, 2010 8:44 pm

Hey,

Well, most people compare their lives to others all the time. The important thing to remember is that you only see what they want you to see. Most people dont air their dirty laundry in public so to speak. A case of grass is greener on the other side?

Try to focus on the good you have, and remember, others lives aren't always as good and clean cut as they look. Everyone has their problems!
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Re: i compare my life to my sisters

Postby snail » Mon Feb 22, 2010 10:16 pm

Have you thought about asking your sisters how they manage to do these things you're jealous of? They might have some useful tips about stretching a budget or ways of getting things cheap, and I'm sure they'd be pleased that you asked.
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Re: i compare my life to my sisters

Postby mel » Tue Feb 23, 2010 2:05 am

You are right liquidius about most people not always airing their dirty laundry in public and the grass is not always greener as i might think. i only bother with one of my sisters so i couldn't ask the rest how they do it and manage. it is hard not to compare thou but like you say most people do compare there lives to others.
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Re: i compare my life to my sisters

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Feb 24, 2010 12:53 pm

or they may be in debt which will catch up with them one day?
have you looked at your own spending habits to see if you are wasting money unessarily like buying lunch instead of making it at home etc
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Re: i compare my life to my sisters

Postby RagDoll » Thu Feb 25, 2010 10:04 am

Yeh, I was thinking the same as Bel Bel - perhaps your sisters spend money they don't actually have on holidays etc?! There are plenty of people that do that and end up in huge amounts of debt... which is certainly not something to be jealous of!
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Re: i compare my life to my sisters

Postby spacegirl » Sat Feb 27, 2010 1:31 pm

yep, ragdoll and bel bel, that was the thing that came into my head as well when i read about the holidays etc. does it ever occur to you that your sisters might look at you the same way? you don't know what actually goes on behind closed doors and it sounds to me your sister doing agency work is living way beyond her means.unless they're living solely off benefits, which is not an ideal way to live either. personally i'd be happier with the security you have of your husband working full time, you're working part time and stlgeting to be with your kids. maybe as the others say, if you do really want to get abroad, start putting money aside, revisit your budget and try and plan for a holiday. although you should do this for yourself and not to keep up with the joneses.
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Re: i compare my life to my sisters

Postby js1234 » Sat Aug 14, 2010 6:06 pm

Don't worry 'sibling envy' is a totally normal thing but it can be an extremely difficult feeling to live with. There’s always going to be a little bit of competitiveness between siblings, especially of the same gender and it can be good thing, spurring you on to better yourself but when it turns into real envy it can get ruin your relationships to the point where you can’t bear to hear of them being successful, or happy and they can be blissfully unaware that their successes are making you feel like a complete failure. A lot of time it stems from childhood, perhaps people in your family such as parents or teachers unwittingly made comparisons between you all, responded to you differently or imposed their ideas of success on you and every time you hear something good said about your sisters you feel that same awful pang of inadequacy. Maybe as a child in a large family you found yourself competing for affection and that competing has carried on into adulthood so that you're always looking for your "fair share" but this time it's turned to material things like cars and holidays. I used to feel the same as you about my brother; I was a very shy child and he was very outgoing and was doted on by my parents and grandparents and I used to feel completely invisible at times. He has since turned into a high achieving adult – he’s ridiculously good-looking, he’s got a first class degree with honours, has travelled the world, ran marathons for charity, works as a much respected teacher and lives in a gorgeous house with an equally fabulous wife. Consequently I used to dread family gatherings - I would feel the same inadequacy I felt as a child as he related his latest impressive bit of news to a crowd of doting relatives while I pottered about making the tea for everyone, cursing my dull telesales job, humungous overdraft and untidy leaky flat, none of which any of them felt the need to ask about.

But I got over it and so can you. Envy is due to low self-esteem and by trying to understand the root cause of your feelings and working to change yourself on the inside it can actually stop things on the outside, like your sisters’ inexplicable wealth from making you feel inadequate. You can’t control what your sisters do and what they have but you can control your reaction to it, and once you realise that, it’s half the battle. As people have quite rightly pointed out, you don’t know the ins and outs of your sisters’ situation and what can seem a better life may not be as rosy beneath the surface. The secret is to stop focusing on them and start focusing on you. I found a rather cheesy “life inventory” thing on the internet that actually helped me get a grip. The questions you had to answer were:

What activity have I always wanted to try?
What skill have I always wanted to learn?
What can I do to be healthier?
What can I do to make the world a better place?
Where would I really like to go?
How can I get the most out of my relationships and my work?

Just thinking about these questions can give you a bit of a lift and little by little I started getting a bit more daring and making little changes and things started to improve. I now grow my own vegetables, I am doing a degree with the open university, I go to zumba classes to keep fit, I volunteer to help make tea for the homeless at our local church, I’m saving up to go to Rome and after volunteering to help look after new recruits at work I eventually got promoted to supervisor. I’ve met so many new people who are positive and made me feel positive too and it’s been a welcome distraction from family life. I’ve got a new perspective - seeing homeless people on a regular basis does get things into perspective and I feel really proud when my parents praise my potatoes!! My life isn’t picture perfect and I’ll never be as fabulous as my brother but I actually don’t care nowadays, I’m doing things that I enjoy, setting my own goals and making my own life rather than working out how I can compete with his life. You can’t live your life the way someone else does you have to find yourself and what works for you if you want to be happy!

Hope things are better for you soon. Am sure you're a wonderful mum and have a lot to be proud of. All the best xxx
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