what have i done?

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what have i done?

Post by 55555 » Thu Aug 12, 2010 11:56 pm

I have 2 sisters and although we aren't the closest we do get on or atleast we did. Last week my gran passed away after being seriously ill. I was very close to my gran and although i was ready for the worst and when it came like the rest of my family i was devestated. My parents were on holiday when we got the news so basically me and my sisters had to hold together my grandad and uncle luckily i had my boyfriend to look after me and it meant the world. We all began to feel the strain the following day and i had a disagreement with one of my sisters i walked away n cooled down whilst she screamed and slated me. I later apologised but didnt get one in return and a day later she acted like nothing had happend. My parents came back and said how proud they were of us. My boyfriend whod been holding me together returned home so he could work and i found it hard grieving in front of my family so would disappear for a hour or two to sort myself out. The following day my other sister screame and shouted at me over the most stupidiest thing n made out it was all my fault. Again i apologised and didnt get one back so chose to distance myself as i was allowing my head to get even more messed up. I havent had a conversation with them past day or so cause they went to one of their houses to grab some stuff. But tonight all hell broke loose instead of staying and arguing i walked away and got called everything under sun. Im ashamed that i seem to be the cause of the arguments by hiding my grief away and finding it hard to just get on with life but i cant and wont let them mess my head up. I should tell you that both my sisters suffer from depression. I dont and wont allow that to be used as an excuse though cause they get away with being hurtful far to much and i feel that i deserve an apology and they should understand we are all going through same thing but people grieve differently. I just want to know if people think im out of order. I want to look after my mum not worry about upsetting them.

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Re: what have i done?

Post by ILoveChristmas » Fri Aug 13, 2010 8:27 am

I'm not sure I understand what the cause of them losing their temper was. Was it purely because you're not showing your grief in the same way they are?

In situations like these you really have to take a lot of what people say with a pinch of salt. You're seeing them at their most vulverable. When people grieve part of that process is anger at their loved one from being taken away from them. People direct that flood of emotion in all sorts of different ways. Some people get angry at the loved one themself for dying, those who believe get angry at God and some others get angry at whoever happens to be passing.

I realise why you don't want their depression to be used as an excuse for them, but it does add an extra layer of emotional complexity to the whole thing. Their either made worse because their low points are so much more intense, or because they're scared that the whole process will drive them to depression again. It seems to be causing them to live on an emotional knife-edge. We also don't know what medication they're on and whether that impacts their stability.

There is no sense in adding fuel to the fire, so you're doing the right thing by not retaliating, but nor do you have to be abused like this so continue to walk away to some private space and let them calm down.

I've no medical qualification, but to me the fact that they're completely normal again the next day suggests it is related to either their medication or their depression, and if that's the case as much as you don't want it to be an excuse you might need to start looking at it that way.
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Re: what have i done?

Post by Bel Bel » Fri Aug 13, 2010 12:27 pm

Agree with with ILC it is mostly grief but the depression won't help

I don't think you should be apologising when you haven't done anything.

Let your mum know you are grieving in private so she knows it's not that your heartless

Ignore your sisters, they will come round

You could also leave the number for Cruse laying around - 0844 477 9400. It's a conselling service that specialise in grief. Hopefully they will take the number and call even if they don;t wnat anyone to know that's what they are doing
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