About to explode - older sister problems

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About to explode - older sister problems

Postby stressball » Sun Sep 19, 2010 7:18 pm

Hi there, I'll try and keep this post as short as possible although I'm afraid it may not be!

Basically I am at my wits end with my older sister. She is 5 years older than me so there has always been an age gap. For as long as I can remember, we have never got on - before my teens I was quite happy go lucky, whereas when she hit her teens my attitude annoyed her. I remember when I was 11 I passed my 11+ exams to go into her secondary school and when I told her she said "oh fantastic..." in a sarcastic voice. She used to belittle me in front of her friends and other members of the family. When I hit 18 she said she would take me out clubbing with her friends....I am 25 now and its never been mentioned again. We went shopping recently for our parents joint anniversary gift - that was the first time we went shopping, ever. She said we should do this again, then when I tried to arrange another meeting, she refused.

I have always had trouble with my weight, whereas she is skinny and has no trouble keeping in shape, I do think I resent this, although I try and remember this is not her fault!! 2 years ago I said to her I would love to look like her, and she replied "you don't understand how hard I work to keep slim, if I was lazy I would end up like you, no offence". 5 months ago I announced my engagement and she didn't say congrats just said "oh....good for you". She never visits my house and when I ask her she always rejects offers of coming round, then complains I never make an effort to go round hers.

She gets my mum to bring round any birthday/xmas presents for myself or my fiance - she won't see me on my birthday - (although this is only recently.) My fiances car got broken into last month and she said "serves you right, that's what you have a garage for". She always tells me off for not seeing my parents as often as she does, even though I talk to them on the phone/via internet every day if not in person. She has told me she dislikes my fiance because he is "too quiet" and "needs a shave". She occasionally sends a text asking if I'm "alive" as I try to avoid talking about her as much as possible. She criticises my social life saying I need to get out more, when actually I'm quite shy so don't like/need to go out much, but I'm fine with this. Her boyfriend constantly takes awful photos of me when we are at family gatherings, knowing I hate my picture taken (this happens every time I see him) then tells me to grow up when I ask him to stop.

and FINALLY.. I didnt want any bridesmaids at my wedding as my fiance and I wanted to keep it low key...my mum practically emotionally blackmailed me into having my sister as a bridesmaid as my sister would "never forgive" me for leaving her out, (as she has been with her bf 9 years and no sign of getting married) so reluctantly I did. I have my dress, the venue booked, all the accessories, photographer etc sorted, but my sister cannot spend 1 HOUR of her time with me looking for a bridesmaids dress. I asked her 4 months ago and she said she'd sorted it, then admitted later she hadn't, then said she was busy and had "other things to think about" other than my wedding. When I talk to her she says I am only talking to her to talk about my wedding or I want something. She talks about other members of our family behind their back, including my mum, then is really nice to their face so think she's wonderful.

I am so sorry that was such a long post, I had to get it all out before I explode. My friends have suggested I see a counsellor about this as it is eating me up inside. I cant tell members of my family as she is the favourite and plays the innocent one, my mum cant understand why I wont talk to HER!! How can I passify my feelings about her without causing upset and tension in the family? Luckily my fiance is really good about it, and says I need to develop a thick skin with her like he has, but easier said than done.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I never felt such contempt and dislike for someone in my entire life. I'm sure I've left other things out but I'm sure I've put down more than enough.

Stressball x
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Re: About to explode - older sister problems

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Sep 28, 2010 4:52 pm

Sorry I haven't got time for a long reply but perhaps you should "out" her and tell people in front of her what she has been saying

Like oh thats funny you told me the other day ----" so she is shown not to be so innocnet

Hopwever I do think conseeling is a great idea so you learn how not to let her behaviiour effect you. this sounds very much like her problem

Tell your mum about the problems with the bridesmaid thing and tell her you had an idea it was going to b like this which is why you were hesistant before

And if she is still messing you about on wedding tell her to bother being brdiesmaid anymore and tell your mum why your doing before your sister puts a twist on it
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Re: About to explode - older sister problems

Postby stressball » Tue Sep 28, 2010 8:44 pm

Hi Belbel, thanks for taking the time to reply, I'm sorry my post was so long!!

I have tried outing her in public in the past - but then I'm made out to be the "paranoid" one and "always take things the wrong way" (she makes out she is joking when she isn't) and then says I'M the one with the problem as she doesn't talk about me to other people (yeah, right)

I think I'm seriously going to need some form of counselling, I looked into the prices and I found its about £40 a session, and apparantly a minimum of 8 sessions is required - and there is no way i can afford that what with the wedding coming up :(

My mum seriously thinks the sun shines out of my sister's *ahem* and regardless of what I say about my sister, I guarantee 9 times out of 10 my mum will take her side, when my mum wanted me to have my sister as bridesmaid and I said I didnt want any, my mum basically emotionally blackmailed me saying my sister is upset enough already because I'm getting married before her!!!

Since my post I have actually asked one of my friends to be bridesmaid - she knows me really well and has listened to all my woes so she knows what my sister is like and has offered to help me through the stuff I'll be probably be going through, so thankfully I'll have someone to lean on if it all gets too much!!

Thanks again for all the advice x
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Re: About to explode - older sister problems

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Sep 29, 2010 11:10 am

Some consellors will offer concessions on their prices if you tell them you can't afford the full amount. Also anyone telling you that you will need a minimum of 8 sessions should be avoided. They can't possibly know how many sessions unless they have seen you and know the depth of your problem.
I wonder if perhaps a self help book for now.

Here are a few suggestions which may help

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/ ... detosel-20
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sibling-Rivalry ... 980&sr=8-7
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Cant-Get-Al ... 980&sr=8-8
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