Brother and mother issues

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Brother and mother issues

Post by Tarantula » Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:05 pm

I have a huge amount of resentment towards my mother due to her never being there for me in any way other than financially. For example, in her absence, I was sexually abused by my father and I hold her partially responsible. General gripes to do with negligence, abandonment etc etc poor me etc.

Now, lately I've decided to just stop talking to her indefinitely. I'm sick of pretending that everything's okay when it's not. We've never lived together, and usually talk on the phone once every couple of weeks/when I can be bothered with a vague and superficial conversation. She knows barely anything about me. Certainly couldn't tell you who my friends are or what music I like, and she hasn't visited me at uni once.

So I haven't spoken to her for nearly two months.

I'm very close to my brother as he's really the only family I've got. Now, my mum has offered to by my brother a flat outright. He's 27 and self employed and this would help him out immensely.

My mum is crazy, as well as crazily malicious. She's withdrawn and then re-instigated that offer a few times since introducing it at around the same time as I stopped talking to her.

Christmas is coming up. Flipping Christmas i.e. the time of year where there's so very much pressure to be all family and lovey dovey and sugarcoat it all because it's flaming Kwismas time again. The pressure is on for me to fulfil my apparent obligation to go up and see my mum, with my brother, who's got a lot (i.e. a whole property) riding on it. He'll be there with his mouth firmly attached to my mum's behind, which I totally understand.

The thing is, I don't want to see her. I don't want to be superficial and cowardly and go to see her just because it happens to be that time of year again. At first my brother accepted this. Now he won't. He's worried that if I don't go, my mum - in her insanity and malice - will not buy him a flat as she promised. Any rational person would see the two things as separate and treat my brother independently of my behaviour. But there is a chance that my mum will just take the route of, oh poor me, all my children are horrible, there you go no flat for you now.

My brother's gonna blame me if that happens, as well as my mum. He's twisting my arm to see her for Xmas which I really don't want to do. It's guilt galore. If I don't go, and mum doesn't get him a flat because of me, then it's my fault.

The way I see it, it's not my responsibility. I've been saying for weeks that I'm not going, and my brother was fine with that up until today, when he changed his tune entirely to a case of 'if you don't go, I'm not going to forgive you'.

Sticky wicket. I don't want my brother to get screwed over but I don't see it as my fault if mum decides to rescind her offer to HIM because of ME. That's not fair at all! It'll be against everything I stand for if I go, it'll sicken me to my stomach if I compromise on my principles. I'm annoyed at my brother for putting all this on me.

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Re: Brother and mother issues

Post by Bel Bel » Tue Dec 06, 2011 4:14 pm

What if your brother said you wouldn't go because you found out about the flat.
Would that make her more or less likely to give him the flat.
I am trying to think of how you can play her on this one so your brother gets his flat
You should also tell your brother he should not use you to manipulate your mum or he is a bad as her
I would stick to your gun s and remind him she has already changed her mind and will hold him to ranosm because of it once she gets the flat, demanding he sees her when it suits. Nothing is for free
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Re: Brother and mother issues

Post by highlandcow » Tue Dec 06, 2011 4:58 pm

Broken_Chord wrote: That's not fair at all! It'll be against everything I stand for if I go, it'll sicken me to my stomach if I compromise on my principles. I'm annoyed at my brother for putting all this on me.
Damn straight! If you've got principals, stick to them! If you ask me you've got very good reasons behind these principals and if seeing your mum is going to cause you grief then don't do it. Season of good will my rump steak! It doesn't sound like shes shown you much of that so don't give in just because it's Christmas.

With regard to your brother, it's unfair of him to expect you to compromise yourself like that. I understand you and your brother are close, if that's the case then he should be more understanding, even if his flat is at stake. If your mum has an issue with you not being there then it should affect your brother getting the flat.

In terms of the flat, have documents etc been signed yet? If they have then she can't reverse the situation surely....
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
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