Aggressive Brother

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Aggressive Brother

Postby Cactus » Wed Jul 30, 2014 5:12 am

My brother is mid thirties, as am I. He has two beautiful children age 2 and 4. I'm really worried about his level of aggression and lack of maturity when he's around the children. As an example, he recently applied for a new job and found out he had been given a bad reference from his current employer (I believe this could be well justified) he collected the kids that day from my house and proceeded to aggressively rant about this bad reference and how he was going to find out where this person lives and slash they're car tyres, and if it had not been a woman who did this he would have smashed them up..etc. all the time my 4 year old niece is listening to this. I am so worried as I was brought up with an aggressive father, and it has affected me, and I think I see history repeating itself. What can I do other than watch and be there for my niece and nephew as they grow older? If I thought I could talk to my brother I would, but he i really don't think he is able to have this kind of conversation. Also his wife is lovely but completely controlled by him so that is not an option either.
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Re: Aggressive Brother

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jul 30, 2014 12:15 pm

If you don't feel you can speak to either you brother or wife and you are concerned you could report him to child services. They are very unlikely to take any major action but your brother knowing he is being watched by someone may make him realise he needs help or at least make him contain his behaviour.
He is bound to tell you that someone has grassed on him and he feels it's unjustified and at this point you could perhaps suggest he gets some anger management just to prove he has taken social services seriously and have that as evidence to help his case if they come back, actually what you are doing is getting him to go for the help he actually needs.
Seems a bit of a weird way to approach the situation but if you are afraid to mention it or confront him I am not sure what else to suggest
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Re: Aggressive Brother

Postby ILoveChristmas » Wed Jul 30, 2014 2:03 pm

Given your past it would be understandable if you didn't want to confront him yourself, but if you feel like you can then I'd suggest doing so as a first course of action.

I guess there are two approaches you could take, the first would be to wait until you're in his company when something like this happens again, then tell him there and then that you're not comfortable with the level of aggression he's displaying, plus you don't think the children need or want to hear their father speaking like that. The second approach you could consider is talking to him about it when he's not all fired up, in other words slide it into a conversation you're having. Possibly you could use the history with your father as a means of bringing up the subject. That would be especially effective if you know your brother was also affected - and continues to be affected - by your father's actions. Perhaps your brother simply doesn't realise what he's doing, in effect he's acting exactly like his own father did and therefore 'normally'.

If you don't feel that approach is for you and you're quite confident speaking to his wife will have no effect, or just cause unnecessary trouble for her, yet you're still concerned and want to do something then I agree with Bel Bel, you should speak to someone who's used to dealing with this kind of thing. I probably wouldn't suggest you get them involved directly at this stage, but you might be able to get some advice from them on how to talk constructively with your brother.

The danger with social services is of course that your brother will get even more fired up than normal. In the end I agree, it probably would make him focus on why someone reported him, but life in that house might be hellish until that point, hence my suggestion to deal with it yourself, at least initially, if you can.
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Re: Aggressive Brother

Postby Cactus » Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:51 pm

Thanks. I will take your advice on contacting child services to ask how best to approach the talk with my brother, though finding time alone with him would be very difficult as I work away a lot. I wouldn't want to report him to social services as the children are not in any immediate danger, and they are cared for and loved by both parents and extended family. My main concern is the long term affect this environment may have. I think that my brother is also-a victim of our upbringing because of the way he behaves and as you mentioned, he knows no other way, so I also have to keep this in mind.
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Re: Aggressive Brother

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jul 31, 2014 1:08 pm

You could also anonymously post some leaflets about local anger management classes, controlling your anger etc. If you do it a few times he might realise someone is trying to tell him something or may realise it's something he needs to do and consider it divine intervention
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