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Brother read text messages, now he knows everything

PostPosted: Wed Apr 14, 2004 8:41 pm
by Figgie
One of my friends is gay and has a major crush on his driving instructor.
As we have the same driving instructor, we talk about him a lot via text messages.
His younger brother read all of the text messages on his phone, and most were about his driving instructor (and his feelings towards him).
None of his family know he is gay, and his brother has threatened to tell them. He doesn't really get on with his family anyway, and this will make living at home worse. :(
I advised him to tell them before his brother gets the chance, but he is afraid they will stop him driving.
Can you help???

PostPosted: Wed Apr 14, 2004 8:46 pm
by daveshow
well i suppose he has to tell them one day but its his wee brother his family may not believe him if he doesnt want to tell them tell him to delete his mesages and say his brother is kidding on

PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2004 12:16 am
by Enigma
The brother likely doesn't appreciate the possible implications of parents finding out about their childs "non-heterosexuality" without the child wanting them to. While it is a common and justified fear, it is actually a minority of instances where the family reject the child as opposed to embracing the revelation and so forth.

A lot of gay and bisexual people leave coming out to parents until the apron strings have been cut and they have moved out, because the child fears they will be thrown out due to non-acceptance on the part of the parent. A lot of gay and bisexual people keep their sexual orientation a secret from their parents even when they are secure in their own property and can fend for themselves, because the fear of rejection is so great.

This is a big deal. It is so saddening to go through the thought processes involved in reasoning about coming out to parents, and then of course there's friends and then people at work and then everytime you form a close bond with someone new.

Coming out doesn't just happen once, but the fears and stress involved in doing so continue forever through life as we meet new people. Imagine the threat posed by the possibility of any comfortable scenario suddenly turning inside-out just because of non-acceptance of the gender or genders you form emotional and/or physical relationships with?

Your friend should not be rushed into coming out to his parents. He doesn't have to come out to them at all. He owes them nothing, it is his own life and he has his own choices. His current circumstances restrict not only freedom of lifestyle but moreover freedom of living. It is not nice hiding from the reality of self, but sometimes it is the most profitable thing to do in order to progress further. For example, someone I know plans not to tell his parents about him being gay until he's finish his university course.

I told my mum about my sexual orientation when I was still living at home. Even though I know my mum is a very accepting person and that communication is open, the fear of rejection and the implications of it was still with me. So, I can imagine that when you don't get along with family anyway, maybe they are homophobic or they are close-minded, it must be even scarier to come out to them.

Due to this, the fear of someone else pushing you out without your consent is going to be even greater. The younger brother needs to understand this situation. There will be nothing wrong with the younger brother knowing and the parents not knowing. A lot of people grow up with siblings knowing things about each other that their parents don't. It's possible the younger brother can keep a secret until the older brother doesn't want it to be a secret anymore.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 23, 2004 2:01 pm
by Figgie
Well his brother told all, and he was v upset yesterday because of it.
His parents have accepted him (and feel guilty for `not being there`). Having realised that everything is fine and his brother `lost` (he wanted him to get into trouble/ thrown out etc). He is now happy :D

p.s. thanks for the advice [-o<

PostPosted: Fri Apr 23, 2004 3:16 pm
by Enigma
Thanks for updating us on the developments, it's good to read that the situation worked out okay and that the person you refer to is out and safe.