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My sister is hurting my feelings

PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:56 pm
by saz
My sister is getting married later this year. The family are quite well off, and since getting involved with them she sees them all the time, doesn't see her own family very often at all, in fact we often try to call her and she never answers, and when she does ring it is very quick. She doesn't come and see the children very much either but she always used to. I dont mind her doing this that much, i accept that she is busy and has her own life but something else is annoying me.

I had PND after having my baby last year, and part of the problem was that I dont go out and socialise very much, the only friends I see are other mums and it does me good to have a break. We are in our 20's there is a 3 year age gap - but we have never been out together for an evening although other than this we get on well.

She has been having regular nights out with her future sister in law - who I know quite well too, and this sister in law has said on more than one occasion of meeting up that I should come along on these nights out too. But my sister never asks me, and the dilemma i have is on the weekend the sister in law asked me to come out this weekend, I accepted but my sister hasn't said a word to me about coming, and hasn't even mentioned the night out. This night out is for both their birthdays - and my own sister hasn't invited me out to celebrate her birthday? I dont understand and I dont know how to approach it. I would love to go out, they are all nice people but I feel she doesn't want me to go. I would normally just ask but she gets a bit humpy about this sort of thing, i think she is worried i would embarrass her, but I would love to go and can't understand why she has never not once asked me - knowing it would help me. What do you think?

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 11:15 am
by arwen
How about just mentioning in passing that "oh, by the way, so-and-so has invited me out with you guys this weekend, do u want a lift?" and see what her reaction is.

If she's funny about it, ask her if there's a problem. It does sound very strange, but maybe she is genuinely just busy and it's slipped her mind?

It's always my family that ring me, I hardly ever call them and the fact is I'm just forgetful and the time goes so fast I don't realise when I haven't spoken to them in 3 weeks! I know it sounds awful but sometimes things get so hectic we can neglect people without actually meaning to.

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 5:42 pm
by Liquidius
I'd just sneakily slip it into conversation and see her reaction. She might know that her sister in law has already invited you - and has no need to say anything.

She also could have completely forgotten about it, if she is busy :)

ur sister

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 6:36 pm
by Krazycow
jus ask her in passin "oh, where we goin out this weekend then?". if she gets funni ask if she's got a problem. :D

Life's like a foreign language, all men mispronounce it!!

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:01 pm
by saz
I just said something about this weekend. I called her, and asked what she was doing tonight. She said that something had been arranged about going out for dinner (not what i was told), and that she didn't have a lot of money, so probably wasn't going. Now what?? Arrrrg

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 2:10 pm
by arwen
Weird. Do you live far away from her? What I'd do is call her back and ask if you can pop round. Then sit down with her and just say look, so-and-so asked me to come out with you guys this weekend and I get the impression you know about it but you don't want me there. Have I done something to upset you?
I think it's best to just come out and ask her - at least if there is something going on you'll know, and if there's not you can put your mind at rest and stop worrying about it. xxx

PostPosted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 10:37 pm
by saz
Ok, i was going to do that but something else came up. She spoke to my mum, who casually dropped into the conversation about the night out 'why dont you ever ask your sister?'.

The reply was horrible.

She said, i get drunk and am embarrasing, this is a family thing (still adamant that it isn't going for a drink it is dinner not what i was told), I always talk about people she doesn't know etc etc. Basically that i am boring and she doesn't want me to get to know people in her life. Then she started backtracking saying that i had to work/had kids/partner might not let me out.....

My mum got a bit defensive, saying that ok yes a few times i have got too drunk but that was about 4 years ago, I would probably drive so not drink and i already know these people, and doesn't she think it would be nice to invite me out, seen as i dont go out ever and it seems a bit rude. Dont know what was said after that, this is what was repeated to me.

So now i know and i am in a worse situation because i dont know what she has told these people, i am feeling really embarrased that she sees me like that and dont want her to ask me now out of pity. I think i am just going to have to draw a line under this and make a mental note never to invite her anywhere!

new situation is, future mother in law is taking all the 'girls' away for a hen weekend - my sister is getting married this year, but i am not invited! And she asked me to sort out some stuff for her a few months ago, so i did and then was told that mother in law is much better at that sort of thing, so i wasted all my time!

Just moaning about this i think! Sorry!

PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 11:45 am
by kitten
Don't apologise, I think that it is very unfair for your sister to treat you like that. Espcially when you are family and she should want you invovled in her wedding.

I am not sure what to suggest, but don't let her get you down too much.

PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 12:17 pm
by all_apologies
If she doesn't invite you to her hen weekend she should be ashamed. Don't push it or even make it look like you're seeking an invite - in the end she'll see how selfish and thoughtless she's been for not inviting you.

It's horrible to think that you're being invited to things out of pity, but if she does invite you all you can do is go and prove to her that you're not the embarassing drunk she thinks you are.

All I can say is be the bigger person - try not to dwell on it. The seed has been planted in her head now that she doesn't inculde you, and hopefully she'll come to realise that her new family isn't everything. From your post it sounds as if she's quite immature for her age, perhaps she just needs to grow up a bit. Excluding one person is what school kids do.

Has she ever been jealous of you? Maybe she's just enjoying the fact that good things are happening to her, and she wants to show off by making you feel left out? Just a thought.