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Sister Problems

PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 7:38 pm
by Danni87
Hey! I've posted on here before about my if you have read it you will kinda know the back story. I have come back home now and my sister has totally changed.

OK, i know she is a teenager and there is that whole teenager stereotype that may explain her behaviour and attitude, but i'm finding it really hard to be around her.

Before uni i working in a pub by where i live. About a month before i left my sister started working there and while i was gone new management and staff started. After 3 months away i have started working there and after my first shift there the other night my sister started shouting and swearing at me and ran up to her room crying.

Basically i got on really well with the new manager and my sister doesnt. Our personalities are different. I am more confident than her and tend to mix with people better whereas my sister gets on with people when she knows them well and at first glance would be seen as "moody."

I suppose it is jealously but i have been trying with her the past couple of days for example i took her to the cinema yesterday and no matter what i do she always ends up getting angry at me and totally switching things around to make herself the "victim" of the situation. I just dont know what to do.

My parents do take her side as they arent with us when my sister goes off on one at me , and becuase she is crying they want to comfort her.

Can anyone suggest anything that i can do just to keep the peace over christmas (its gonna be hard as we'll be spending solid days with each other.)

Any suggestions will be gratefully appreciated

Danni x

PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 10:41 am
by wordsofwisdom
well she sounds like a bit of a brat, but fundamentally she is just a mixed up teenager....

lots of those hormone things running round her body and all that kinda stuff.....

with specific reference to the pub manager thing, perhaps she fancied him? perhaps she is jealous and angry cause you are prettier, more confident, more intelligent ... whatever it might be!

from what you posted, there is not enough detail about other situations to understand why she is acting the way she is (Sorry i havent read your other posts!), but i think the best thing you can do based on what you've said is just give your sister space over xmas if you want to keep peace.....

your trying your best to be friends with her, but its not getting you anywhere, so just hang back from her and do your own thing - maybe she feels stifled by parents with growing up and all that stuff, so your attempts to help and get close might be having the same affect also!???

This is probably bad advice, its girl stuff, and i'm a guy you see - Women!????? #-o

PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:03 pm
Hi Danni

I was sad to read your post as I hoped that you and your sister would make it up for xmas.

It seems to me that she may still be feeling depressed and is not very confident in herself. The reason she is taking it out on you is jealousy. Your parents siding with her is not helping either as she feels the only way she is getting attention is behave like a spoilt brat (If you think of how a 5 year old acts when they don't get their own way - that is how she is acting).

Do your parents show her a lot of love?

I think the real problem is that she is trying to go out and be independant (like you) and she isn't getting very far as you are there and she feels a bit stifled.

Could you work opposite shifts at the pub you work at? She may get off your case a bit?

Try and give her some space and get out and 'do your own thing', see your friends and have a good time.

Don't spend your time worrying about your sister - you can keep an eye on her but don't let her know that you are (if you get me).

PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 1:34 pm
by Seaside Belle
Hi Danni

Ah sisters! Myself and my sister are very different personalities and pretty competitive (in fact my mum banned competitive sports between the two of us when we were little as it was so horrendous!) My sister and I never really got on at all until I left home and although we love each other lots we can't spend that much time together. In all honesty, if we weren't related we wouldn't be friends - I love her to bits but we frustrate it other all the time!

I think your sister's a little jealous of you - perhaps it looks like you have everything working smoothly for you at the moment and that makes her spiteful but then you are nice to her and that makes it worse as she over-reacts through love and jealousy and frustration!

Being the hot-headed one myself - my sister tried this tactic on me with great success over the summer. When I baited and teased her (to provoke a hissy fit reaction when bored!) she just smiled and said, 'oh SB you're so funny and sweet (the opposite of what I was being) no wonder everyone likes you'. Which stopped me dead in my tracks as I lapped up the compliments.

So maybe if you love-bomb your sister with positive things about her that are maybe opposite to your attributes (I'm so jealous everyone takes you seriously / values your opinion / trusts you / wants to be your best friend etc etc) she'll want to hear more about herself and will therefore stop the stropping. If you say how much you've been looking forward to seeing her as she's one of those people you can just be yourself around she will feel better about herself.

It did work on me but then i am vain, selfish and self-obsessed (but then isn't that how everyone see's their sister!) Maybe worth a try!

PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 2:10 pm
by Danni87
Thanks guys for your help. I can see why my sister would be upset with me. Being as i'm the eldest i suppose she feels that she has alot of pressure to do things when i did them. For example having a boyfriend etc.
I do know why she is upset and i think i would be the same in her situation. But none of these things are my direct fault. For example the mangeress at the pub we work at is trying to set me up with her son (which i have an inkling that my sister has a crush on.)

Oh well as Seaside Belle said, you love your sister if you weren't related you wouldn't be friends. that is how i feel

My parents side with my sister more because they get worried about her. She isnt suicidal or anything but there worried that she may do something stupid like leave home, or lock herself in her room.
What makes things worse it that no matter how upset my sister gets with anyone she always takes it out on my mum and blames her, even though my mum has nothing to do with it. My mum is just an easy target for my sister.

It is difficult. My mum and dad have no way of controlling her. She doesnt really go out, and she is bigger than my mum. It is hard for my parents because what do you do to control her behaviour?

Me and my sister used to get on. We played together when we were younger and as we grew up we kinda grew up together and tried things (there is only 18 months difference between us)

However over the last year it changed. I just dont wanna end up not seeing each other when were older. I wanna spend every christmas with her and our families.

Thanks anyway guys

Danni x

PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:23 pm
by Pwif

I know that this response is too late for you getting peace with your sister at Christmas, but your post hit quite a nerve with me, as your relationship with your sister sounded very similar to mine at your age.

From what you have said here, your sister is jealous of you. You are the elder of the two sisters, confident, at university, getting on well with the boss at work, and you're being set up with someone your sister has a crush on. Your sister is trying to keep up with you, but she doesn't have your confidence, is perceived at first glance as being moody; she's still living at home, and worse than that, she's interested in 'your' lad. It sounds as if your parents are doing as much as they can to resolve your normal sibling rivalry. Your mum is mopping up a lot of your sister's teenage angst. Even though it appears your parents are taking your sister's side, it seems as if they consider you to be the more mature; therefore they are relying on you to keep the peace.

Hang in there with your sister. It sounds as if you both do care for each other very much. You're probably back at uni now. Why not keep her in the loop of your life as much as you can; make her feel like an adult. Text her with what's going on in your life; invite her to visit you; take her out with your friends; talk to her as an adult. In one of her calmer moments, sit her down and chat to her about what's going on in her life: what she enjoys and what worries she has. Don't take any of her criticism personally. I think it's great that you 'wanna spend every christmas with her and our families'. You'll both get through this period.

Btw, my sister and I are now best friends after going through our own very rocky teen years!!!