Dad is going to open a can of worms.........

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Dad is going to open a can of worms.........

Postby annalou24 » Wed Jan 30, 2008 6:41 pm

I'll try and keep this short and simple.

10 years ago (I was just 17 at the time), I did a stupid thing, I slept with one of my dad's mates, he was a lot older than me, infact I was yonger than his eldest daughter, we slept together a few times, but then it ended.
No biggie, it wasn't going to go anywhere. Then a few months later he got together with my mum whilst she was still with my dad, which then in turn led to the breakdown of my parents marriage.

Fast forward a few years, they are still together, they now have a child together, obviously she is my little half sister, they have had loads of ups and downs, they've been on again, off again, etc, mainly due to rumours of what a cheating, lying scumbag he was and it is true, when him and my mom are having a rough patch he is usually found hanging out at the local cattle market looking for girls to pull, I know he has cheated on my mom in the past, but he seems to have stopped that behaviour of late, he's getting on a bit now I suppose and he can't keep up with those young un's.

Now, this whole thing really riles my dad, who deny's he still loves my mom but its totally obvious, he's not had another relationship in all this time, he would do anything to make his ex best mate look bad, just so he can say I told you so to my mom, its really petty and annoying, he just can't seem to move on.

About a year ago, my now ex best friend, who my dad would bump into occasionally in the pub, told my dad my biggest darkest secret (great friends I've got hey?), yes you guessed it, she told him about me and this guy. My dad was ecstatic, he now has some ammunition against the guy.
My mom and dad's divorce still isn't finalised, they are still wrangling over the finances, even after 10 years. My dad's plan is to tell my mom about me and her boyfriend, he seems to think she will be disgusted with him and want nothing more to do with him.

I know otherwise - he is the father of her youngest child, she is not going to deprive her child of her father and his family, no matter what he has done (well bar anything illegal), I personally don't really see that it is going to be an issue between him and my mom - he slept with me many years ago, its dead and buried.
I'm more worried about how my relationship with my mom will be affected, she is going to be upset that this has been kept secret for so long, I think my mom is going to blame me and our relationship will be destroyed forever - unless I can get my dad to keep his mouth shut!!!

He is insisting that once the divorce is finalised he will tell my mom and then he is off to China for 6 months, leaving me to deal with the fall out, he is being totally selfish, I've asked him not to tell her and to please respect my wishes, but he's having none of it.

What should I do?
Any good suggestions?
Help please!!!!! ](*,)
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Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:06 am

God this is a hard one
If your sure your dad will tell and it appears he will from what you say and has no regard for your feelings there is only one solution and that's you tell your mum before he does
I think she will be hurt because your her daughter and she may worry if he still has feelings for you. Also you are a younger version of her and that may make her feel old and have a lose of self esteem
Have you actually said to your dad he is selfish and will leave you to deal with the fall out? Are you and your dad close? If yes can you tell him he will probably lose you as a daughter if he goes through with this.
Also another innocent child will ge hurt by this too.
Your mum won't thank your dad for telling her and she will probably be mad she is the last to find out.
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Postby annalou24 » Thu Jan 31, 2008 12:24 pm

Hi Bel Bel,

I kinda realise that is my only option, me and my mom used to be close, but obviously, since I got married I had my own family to take care of and we drifted apart. I go to my mom's every week, she babysits my daughter whenever I ask, she is a great mom. The guy she is with has questionable morals, but at the end of the day she chooses to be with him, even knowing about his chequered past; thats why I know if she knew the history, she will still choose to stay with him.

I don't think she'd think he has feelings for me, it was such a long time ago, ancient history to us, but if I do come out and tell her, I will have to make him aware first, I can't have him totally unprepared for the consequences, it wasn't just me who done this.

My Dad is selfish, I haven't said it to his face, maybe I should, what you suggested about telling him he'd lose me if he takes that course of action, well he would I suppose. I used to be close to my dad, he has been good to me in the past, but he is so close minded when it comes to my mom and the boyfriend, he takes pleasure in seeing the guy sweat, he's always making snide comments to him and my mom.

They mostly ignore it as they know what he is like, his bitterness about the way his 'mate stole his wife' is clouding things, he seems to think my mom will 'wake up' to what a low life he is, that he took advantage of me. He didn't, I knew exactly what I was doing and my mom will know this, she knows what I was like as a teenager, she is going to be hurt, especially as she will be the last to know - everyone else knows about this and has kept it secret from my mom - everyone else being my siblings & husband.

I don't know, maybe she already knows or at least has an inkling about it, she is the type of person who avoids confrontation, she preffers to bury her head in the sand, especially regarding things to do with her boyfriend.

I'm going to have to bite the bullet and tell her unless I can talk my dad round, it's not fair, he going off to start a new life in China, eventually he's going to be out there for good and he is perfectly willing to destroy what little relationship I have left with my mom. I just don't get it, I think he is out for revenge against his mate, pure and simple, all his christmases came at once when he found out about this, he is being very cold and calculating about the whole thing, he didn't go running off to my mom straight away, he is biding his time for devestating effect.

Why he has to dredge up ancient history is beyond me. He comes back from China at the weekend, he's been out there for a few weeks, preparing his new life, I'm going to arrange to see him and discuss it.

I hope I can make him see that this is going to cause nothing but distress to me and my mom. :bomb:
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Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jan 31, 2008 12:52 pm

Actually there is another option if you and her husband agree to point blank deny it
It isn't a nice option to lie (and isn't something I would normally condone) but if you think it will spare her feelings then maybe it is an option to consider, after all why would they beleive your dad or your EX best friend as both would have a reason to make something like this up.
It certainly isn't an option if your not a good liar either.
You will have to consider the guilt of lying too.
I think you need to be more clear with your dad on what he has to lose, there must be a part of him that has held back for a reason up to now and if it is fear of losing you make that a reality. He is far less likely to do it then.
Whatever you decide you should put your mums husband in the picture just so he doesn't get any nasty surprise and ca be prepared in case your dad just blurts it out
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Postby annalou24 » Thu Jan 31, 2008 6:00 pm

I can't come out and lie to my mom, my brothers, my sister, my hubby and a couple of my friends know the truth, so even if we did deny it, my dad would look to my siblings for back up and I can't ask them to lie, they don't like my moms boyfriend much, so they wouldn't do him any favours.

There really is nothing to be gained from this, I talked to my sister earlier and she is of the same opinion, that this won't cause my mom and him to split, not after 10 years.

My dad just can't see beyond having his revenge.

I'll talk to my dad again, it's not going to come out yet, the divorce is still going through so I'm not in any danger until then! [-o<
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Postby Bel Bel » Fri Feb 01, 2008 12:09 pm

Sounds like your going to do the best with a bad situation
I hope it doesn't come to it but if you do need to tell your mum I hope it goes ok
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