How often is too often?!

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How often is too often?!

Postby RagDoll » Fri Mar 13, 2009 11:02 am

Hello everyone,

This isn't a huge problem, I'm just curious to get your views.

I moved out of my parents house about 6-7 months ago to live with my boyfriend, I'm 24. I am an only child and although I would consider myself close to my parents in many ways, I have a strained relationship with my Mum. We just don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of issues hence we often argue, these days they don't tend to get that heated, but it was terrible when I was a teenager! Anyway, this isn't the first time I have moved out as I was away when I was at uni. I didn't actually move that far away and at the time I had a boyfriend in my hometown, so I'd come back a lot at weekends etc. - my parents would sometimes seem annoyed/aggravated by my return.

Having considered the above I assumed when I moved out my parents would be kinda glad to see me go, not in a nasty sense, I know they love and care for me, but I thought it'd be good for them to reclaim a bit of their lives back. Things are not how I imagined at all! My parents (really my Mum) seem to insist on seeing me at least once a week. They always expect me to go to their house and usually after work, so I end up in traffic jams I didn't need to be in. I don't mind seeing them, but I don't like the way it has to be religiously once a week, sometimes I feel it wouldn't matter if we left it a while longer and it'd be good if they came to us too (they won't seem to just pop over for a while, a meal etc. always has to be involved). Am I just being incredibly selfish here? I feel like I am, so I rarely say no when they suggest we visit them, but I never look forward to going, whereas I think I would if a little more time was left between each visit! What do you think?!
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Re: How often is too often?!

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri Mar 13, 2009 12:54 pm

It differs for everyone. It also depends how far away you live and how accessible you/they are.

I'm also an only child (I still live at home) but I can imagine when I move out my mam would be over all the time if she could. My dad would want to but he does respect the whole privacy thing; my mam however wouldn't. I would also like to move out close to home or somewhere on the bus route so my mam could get back and forth without needing lifts (she doesn't drive). I'd also like to stay "close-ish" to my parents as we have a really small family and I want to keep the small family I have.

My familiy have all fallen out in the past so we only really see my aunty and uncle on a regular basis - my cousins all moved south but being over 10 years younger than them (3 boys) they were never interested in me; my other aunty and uncle live in Canada and had a falling out with the uncle we see regularly years ago and then a falling out with my dad a few years ago - so when they come over we only see them for a few hours - long story short they invited me along with my parents to a family meal they then UN-INVITED me because there were no young people going to be at the family meal - bearing in mind I said I was over 10 years younger than my cousins - Of course there would be no one else young because no one else young exists! He basically scrapped me out of his life - I was also forgotten on the Christmas Card.

It's quite hard seeing everyone else with their super close families (especially my bf) and then looking upon my shambles. So in answer to your question via too much mumbling - it depends on the individual people involved.
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Re: How often is too often?!

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Mar 13, 2009 5:27 pm

tell them the arrangements don't suit you and you want to try things your way for a bit

and also tell them you want to see them becasue you wnat to see them not becasue it's a forced arrangement
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Re: How often is too often?!

Postby Moose » Sun Mar 15, 2009 11:35 am

I was in a very similar position for about 2 years after I moved out of home, and I was in the Sunday Lunch Routine. Well I didn't want to be in the Sunday Lunch Routine because sometimes I wanted Sunday lunch by myself, or (and I know this is a bit out-there) maybe not even have a Sunday lunch at all!! I actually think it was Peecee who said to me "Why don't you just not go?" and it seemed too simple to actually work.

First of all, I told them one Sunday that I was busy or that I had to see a friend that couldn't see me any other day, and they were sort of okay with this. Then I began using this excuse every other weekend, so I was actually only seeing them every other Sunday. Then I started changing the day, which I never thought I would be able to do. I'd see them maybe on a Wednesday, then the Sunday after the following Sunday, so it would be two and a half weeks between visits. You sound a lot more family focussed than me, and it's great that you do want to see your parents, so your reduction in visits should be easier than mine because your family will be able to tell that you still want to see them. Now I only go over around once a month - sometimes even less often - and now my mother has my email address she is able to remind me of this even more frequently! But they are a lot more accepting when I phone them and email in between so they don't think I've just forgotten them.

I would recommend that you reduce your visits slowly, but keep in touch in other ways. That way you get the balance you need without making them feel neglected.
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Re: How often is too often?!

Postby RagDoll » Mon Mar 16, 2009 10:13 am

Thanks for the responses.

My friends have said similar to what you said Moose e.g. just make excuses etc. so I have started to say when I don't want to go over and have a legitimate reason, but I still wind up there once a week! The problem is my Mum is so over-sensitive, I know if I don't go there at least once a week she'll be thinking I'm an ungrateful, selfish so-and-so. In fairness my parents do a lot for us e.g. when we've needed plumbers to come out, my Dad's waited around for them so we don't have to take time off work, so sometimes I think the least I can do is go there once a week, but in all honesty I don't enjoy going over that often, it feels like a chore! I guess I'm going to have to start making excuses etc. or it'll go on like this forever.
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Re: How often is too often?!

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Mar 16, 2009 5:17 pm

you can also tell your mum you would really like her to make the effort to come and see you sometimes without there needing to be a reason for it, explain as you work time can be precsious and you do want to see her but sometimes the effort will need to come from her if it's to be every week
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