I can't cope anymore

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I can't cope anymore

Postby thisgirlsammy » Sun Mar 15, 2009 3:57 pm

:cry: I'm at my wits end now. ](*,) I'm 16 and for as long as I can remember my mum has been an alcoholic. She has tried multiple times to stop drinking, it's in double figures now.
She was diognosed with starting signes of liver failure in January 2008. At that period of time she was drinking 1 bottle of gin in 2 days, since then she has rapidly gone down hill,
1 bottle of gin every 2 days
1 bottle of gin day
1 or more bottles of gin a day
1 bottle of ouzo or vodka a day

It doesn't matter how much my mum puts me through I still love hr and it still tears me apart to see her do this.
It's gotten so bad that she has stolen my christmas money off me which my father gave me and then occused me of stealing £250 off her when she had hidden it under the sofa in the living room. When she's drunk she can be fairly violent and i find myself dreading school holidays and weekends. I also act very paranoid at school when anone mensions alcohol at school, i know they probably don't, but at the time i think they know about my mum. Another thing i have found myself wanting attention off teachers at school... i'm becoming clingy!!
All the money my mum gets goes on alcohol, so new clothes and decent food are out of the equation... because it's cheap she fills the freezer with isand ready meals and i hate them, they are making me fat! My main worry is i will return home from school and she will be dead.

My father wants me to move in with him, howeverI don't want to leave my mum because if she does die I don't want her to be on her own! Whenever I talk to friends they never know what to say and that makes me feel awkward... I don't want them to pitty me I want their advice and help to get me through, sympathy makes things worse. I just want there to be an answer that isn't complex, I want it to be straight forward. I want it to end!
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby Skarlet » Sun Mar 15, 2009 5:54 pm

Hi Sammy,

I know you don't want to leave your mum, but I think for your own safety you should really think about your dads offer. A good place to contact for help would be Al Anon, http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ who offer support to people affected by someone else's drinking.

Alice
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby thisgirlsammy » Sun Mar 15, 2009 11:34 pm

the thing is if i leave my mum and then she dies i will have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life... wont it be better to prevent it. i forgot to mension that if i went to live with my dad it would be in another country. thats whats annoying me there is no right or wrong answer i could be making a mistake either way.

thankyou for the website, does it offer me help or my mum... my mum likes the attention of drinking too much to get help, but if its for me thankyou so much.

sammy xx
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby Skarlet » Mon Mar 16, 2009 9:09 am

The unfortunate thing is Sammy, nothing you will do will prevent her dying. And if she is putting you in danger by her drinking, then I think you have to think about yourself. She is your mum and you love her, but she isn't your responsibility.

Al Anon, is for you, it offers support for people affected by their Husbands, Parents, siblings addiction to alcohol.
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Mar 16, 2009 11:06 am

Go on the site alicat gave you and have a good look around it. My friends mam was an alcoholic and my friend moved out when she wsa 16. I honestly think if my friend had stayed then she would have also eneded up with problems. You need to remember your mam is a big girl and she is doing it to herself, it's not like she is being forced into the situation.

You have a supportive dad who wants you in a better environment. I'd say take him up on his offer - maybe you could mention it to your mam and say he's offered you somewhere to live but you'd rather stay with her and if she starts to and sticks with giving up alcohol you will be more than happy living with her. For her own health she needs to give up the alcohol for her liver damage; ask her if she want's to give alcohol up or not because if she doesn't then you are fighting a loosing battle I'm afraid.

Do you have any other relatives close to your mam that you could maybe stay with for a while?
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby thisgirlsammy » Mon Mar 16, 2009 5:34 pm

:cry: no the rest of my family have all given up on her. this will sound awful but i dont know my dad as my mum denied access for almost 10 years. if i leave my home and move with my dad it is 12 hours drive from here in scotland and its technically a different country, there are so many things i need to consider before moving in with him such as my education as i would have to travel 2 hours to get to a college and 2 hours back and it would be more drianing then living here

WHY CAN'T SHE JUST STOP THE DRINKING!!! :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: SHE KNOWS WHAT ITS DOING TO ME BUT SHE WONT STOP... WHY CANT THINGS BE SIMPLE! :(
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:53 am

thisgirlsammy wrote:WHY CAN'T SHE JUST STOP THE DRINKING!!! :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: SHE KNOWS WHAT ITS DOING TO ME BUT SHE WONT STOP... WHY CANT THINGS BE SIMPLE! :(


Because it's an illness. Alcoholismn is also a selfish illness; they purely think of themselves and no one else. As I said in my last post with my friends mam being an alcoholic - at 24 she still cried about the hurt from her mam even though they didn't live together. Sadly my friends mam died in November last year.

If you do move with your dad it is ONLY 12 hours drive away. 12 hours drive can be done - a 12 hour flight wouldn't be so easy because you have the time to wait at the airport and the money for the flight, with a 12 hour drive if you hear something is wrong then you can get there easily. Ultimately the choice is up to you, at least look at the site and get some advice on there.

Also you say the rest of your family have given up on your mam - my friends mam told the rest of their family that my friend was an alcholic to try and hide how bad she (her mam) was getting - understandably this upset my friend a lot. As I said it's a selfish illness!
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby thisgirlsammy » Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:21 am

i know, but you'd think is she loved me then she would atleast try and give it up!however she doesnt seem too bothered about causing me hell... its starting to affect my school work as atm im at school but cannot concentrate on what i am doing!! i cannot concentrate because im constantly worrying im going to get a phone call at school telling me my mum has been taken into hospital or she died... and even if i dont get the call i dont know what im going to go home to...

will she be sober,
will she be druink
or wiill she be dead?
i understand your point that its only a 12 hour drive but i dont drive yet and my fathers self employed so getting down would mean he would loose money. can someone please tell me what to do ... i dont want to make the decision!! i want someone else to make it for me . is that selfish?
o dear im just rambling now!
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby rufio89 » Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:36 am

you're not rambling at all hun, you're only 16 and you're in a situation no-one should EVER be in, with incredibly difficult decisions to make.

The problem with addiction is that it really does take over, until that's the most important thing in their lives. My sisters dad is an alcoholic and he's been in and out of rehab their whole lives (they're about 30 now). He gets better for a while, then he gets worse again.

I would strongly recommend you go and stay with your dad, you shouldn't be living in that kind of environment and unless you move out on your own (which I dont think you should do), then you're going to be stuck in a toxic environment, that's damaging to your mental health, and to your education.

As other posters have said, the sad fact is, that unless she wants help, there's nothing you can do for her. You can try and push her to get help, but unless she's prepared to accept that you're trying to help her, you might end up pushing her further away.

I would have a serious think about living with your Dad unless you can think you can carry on like that for another 2 years minimum, then you'll be in a better position to move out nearby or go off to university or something.

We're all here for you, but she's ruining her life - don't let her ruin yours too.
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby m_m » Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:36 am

i understand your point that its only a 12 hour drive but i dont drive yet and my fathers self employed so getting down would mean he would loose money.


I don't mean to sound harsh but it seems to me that you are just making excuses. I understand completely why you would want to stay with your mum but I think the best option is to go and live with your Dad, after all if you haven't seen him almost 10 years then it will be good for you to get to know him. Perhaps if you move away it will give your mum the kickstart she needs to do something about her life, granted she doesn't look after you but maybe if she only has herself to look after she'll get it together. However if this is not the case and she carries on then do you really want to be around her if nothing you do makes a difference? Start being selfish, as you have said it is affecting your school work and to be constantly worried isn't good for anyone, especially someone your age. Alcohol addiction is very, very destructive (as is any other addiction for that matter!) and I think you need to be away from that. Remember, your mum is not solely your responsibility, she is your parent not the other way around and the rest of your family shouldn't be 'giving up' on her. Maybe if you move away they will also have to take on more responsbility and try and help as best they can though in the end, the only person who can do anything about it is your mum. If she does not want to give up the alcohol she won't, and that doesn't mean she doesn't love you, as dipsy said it is a disease and hopefully one day she will come around. You can still visit and see her but being around her 24/7, in my opinion, isn't healthy for you. Give yourself some time to really think this through and I am sure you will know what is right.

Good luck x x
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby thisgirlsammy » Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:50 am

i dont mean this to sound defensive but im not making excuses, im scared of making the wrong decision and having to live with it for the rest of my life
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby Skarlet » Tue Mar 17, 2009 12:03 pm

Hi Sammy,

I think that your decision should be to look after yourself, I know you don't want your Mum to die alone, but she is making that choice for you. You are not responsible for her. Of course you are scared of making the wrong decision, thats normal. I am of the opinion that you should move to live with your dad, to safeguard your future because your mum isn't.

Is there no one you are close to, that you can talk to outside of your mum and dad?

Alice
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby m_m » Tue Mar 17, 2009 12:35 pm

i dont mean this to sound defensive but im not making excuses, im scared of making the wrong decision and having to live with it for the rest of my life


I understand, but there is no wrong or right decision because in the end it is what you want to do. Ok so perhaps going to live with your dad is probably a good idea but not the 'right' option if you don't want to do that. In the end it is whatever you personally think is best for you, we can only give you our opinions so that you can make an informed choice.
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Mar 17, 2009 2:47 pm

thisgirlsammy wrote:i know, but you'd think is she loved me then she would atleast try and give it up!


Easier said than done. I'm sure my friends mam loved my friend; however she had an addiction that she couldn't win.
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Re: I can't cope anymore

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Mar 18, 2009 3:34 pm

addicts have to hit rock bottom before they will usually seek help
you leaving could make her realise it's what she needs to do
I agree that you need to be thinking about yourself more
Alcoholism is a selfish diease and whilst your mum is in the grip of it she will not be considering your feelings at all
of course you will feel guilty if something happens to her but whether you are with her when it happens or not i think there will still be a degree of guilt that you didn't get hert help but the truth is, as i said before, she is the only one who can take that step
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