Alchoholic, Abusive parent!

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Alchoholic, Abusive parent!

Postby lovesforlife » Fri Mar 20, 2009 10:23 pm

My Mum drinks so much every night and in order to pay for her drinking she takes money from us and says she will pay us back but never does!
She drinks 4 litres of cider and 2 bottles of wine every night when my step dad isnt here!
When she drinks she shouts at us and calls us really nasty names!
I want her to die and get out of my life so I can get on with it.
I dont know what to do because every time I talk to her she calls me a slut and a whore!
I dont know who to tell because then Ill be singled out as abused!
Its gotten to much for me and Im on the edge of somthing I dont want to do! :'(
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Re: Alchoholic, Abusive parent!

Postby brfc » Fri Mar 20, 2009 10:59 pm

hi there.

it sounds like your mum has a big problem with alcohol and its not fair taking it out on you. theres no easy soloution to this as you cant help your mum until she wants to help herself. she needs too want too quit before anything can happen with her. is there anyone u can stop with for a while or a close reletive u can confide in? you cant live like this as it sounds like it dragging u down . try a site called al-annon which sounds usefull for advice on alcohol problems. hope things get sorted take care brfc x
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Re: Alchoholic, Abusive parent!

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Mar 23, 2009 1:35 pm

Can you talk to your step dad about it
If getting evidence is a probelm put your phone on record next time she is screaming at you so he can hear what she is like (don't let her know you are doing it)
Also hide your money and tell her you don't have any
Call AA for help too
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Re: Alchoholic, Abusive parent!

Postby lovesforlife » Fri Mar 27, 2009 5:42 pm

If I tell anyone then she'll hate me for ever!
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Re: Alchoholic, Abusive parent!

Postby LME79 » Sat Mar 28, 2009 10:21 am

I completely empathise with your situation. My dad used to drink stupid amounts 7 days a week. Sunday was the worst day, he'd start with a beer around noon and then move onto the wine from 2pm for the rest of the day. Even when he got food poisoning he didn't drink water, apart from a cup of tea in the morning - he'd drink beer, claiming it was 50% water and therefore hydrating, despite the fact alcohol does the complete opposite.
There was no telling him and the reason there was no telling him is because he didn't want to accept what he was/is. The same goes for any addict. They will think and claim that they "can stop any time they want", which is nonsense but unfortunately they won't see that it's nonsense until they want help. When I was very young my dad was also verbally and physically abusive which was very hard - it affected me for years, especially through my adolescence.

I was very much an antagonist in the situation, whereas my mum would moan about it at the time but when he was sober it was all forgotten and brushed under the carpet; my sister would laugh at his drunken antics, but I think it was nervous laughter, looking back. I, on the other hand, used to get very obviously upset; I would cry, I would shout, I would hide alcohol or throw it out but it resulted in me just hitting a metaphorical brick wall as it wouldn't work, due to the reasoning in my first paragraph regarding addicts.

When I was 16 he hit me so badly that a crackle went down my spine and the white in my left eye was partially bloodshot for a week. I told a teacher at school that I trusted implicitly. Like you, I didn't want the authorities to know as I didn't want to be singled out as "the one that gets abused" and I was very lucky in the sense that I knew this teacher wouldn't tell them if I didn't want him to, and he kept his promise. You don't say how old you are but if you are at school or college, is there a teacher/tutor that you really trust that you could talk to?

When I was older I went to Al-Anon meetings. This wonderful organisation is for the family and friends of alcoholics and is the sister organisation of Alcoholics Anonymous. The website is here - http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ - you can find the nearest meeting to you. Like the website says, the group doesn't offer counselling but it offers you support and, for me, comfort in the sense that I wasn't the only person out there with that problem, as it so often seemed. It teaches you how to cope with living with an alcoholic, rather than how to cure them as, ultimately, the only person that can do that is themself. I also visited a counsellor to help me sort my mind out and to talk about the physical abuse that happened when I was younger.

It's completely up to you whether you talk to your step dad. I gave up talking to my mum about it as she buried her head in the sand whenever I tried to bring it up which is why Al-Anon and counselling were really good for me. I don't know how your step dad would react to it ... personally, I think it's worth a go. What is your mum like when she is sober? My dad only drank in the evenings, apart from weekends where he'd start in the afternoons.

My dad still drinks but it is a lot less, though I've now been living away for three or four years, though he was a lot better towards the end of me living there. I do wish that he'd give up completely but I can't force him to. I have a really good relationship with my dad now and I've forgiven him for everything that happened in the past - I didn't ever think that would be possible but it was for me.

Do visit the Al-Anon website; sharing my experiences and situations, knowing they'd never leave those four walls, really helped me and I hope it will help you in the same way.

I wish you the very best with this because I know only too well how you will be feeling.

xxxxxxx
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Re: Alchoholic, Abusive parent!

Postby lovesforlife » Thu Apr 02, 2009 4:18 pm

Thank you so much for the post. Im 14 and well I have a long time to wait before I can leave. Ive recently moved school and left all the teachers behind that I trusted. This is a major issue for me as you can tell and frankly trying to talk to one of the new teachers and being "the new girl" will not land me any favours.
I mean I was bullied at my last school over this soo much it made all my hair fall out! HOW EMBARRESING! All because my mum can't controll her self.
She tried to get me to smuggle 4 litres of cider in my school bag to get in the house. I refused, so she went to my brother in the car and told him to do it and because he is only young he did it. She already had 2 litres on the side, BUT she drank them ALL!! Every single one!
SShe was soooo drunk and so abusive! She was telling this complete stranger on the internet how she wanted him in bed!
And she told him about MY personal life! I just want her to die sometimes and then my misery will be over!
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Re: Alchoholic, Abusive parent!

Postby LME79 » Fri Apr 03, 2009 8:41 am

Hi again,

That's a classic sign of alcoholism, in my book - if I ever hid or threw out alcohol that was in the house, my dad would simply go to the shops and buy more. So, in your situation, if your brother hadn't have got the cider for her, she would have found another way - it's unfortunately just the way the mind of an alcoholic works.

I can totally TOTALLY understand your anger and it is healthy to vent however I really do recommend that you look into visting the teen version of Al-Anon, Alateen - the info is on the link in my last post). What also helped me was ringing Alcoholics Anonymous myself and the number is 0845 769 7555. AA is run by recovering alcoholics so they will be able to give you some insight. It was a hard call for me to make as it did feel like I was betraying my father and on my first Al-Anon meeting I burst into tears. I was embarrassed but everyone there was so supportive as they'd all been there before.

I wish I could say to you that you could make it all go away but you can't - the only person in this that can stop this is your mum. The only thing you and the rest of your family can do is learn how to cope with it and, when she's sober, speak to her about getting help. Maybe try writing her a letter from your heart about how it's making you feel, how you worry about her, and also how much you love her and want her to get help.

I know it may feel like you want your mother to die to get rid of the problem but you need to refocus that on you want your mother to get help. As hard as it may be to feel that way (and it may take time), it is true. I felt like you on so many occasions but my dad did get through it and now I don't know what I'd do without him. If you told me that 15 years ago I wouldn't have believed you. It was hard, but I learnt how to cope with it, thanks to Al-Anon, and luckily for me it's a distant memory. Took a long time, plus a lot of counselling, to forgive but it was possible.

Please take care and please do ring the organisations I've listed.

xxx
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Re: Alchoholic, Abusive parent!

Postby lovesforlife » Sat Apr 04, 2009 7:41 pm

THANK THANK THANK YOU! this post has really lifted me. Ive looked at their websites and Im looking for the nearest meeting to me!
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Re: Alchoholic, Abusive parent!

Postby lovesforlife » Mon Apr 06, 2009 3:53 pm

OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!! I looked up for there nearest meeting and the only one near me was in the evening really late and I wont be able to get away! AHhhhhhh!!
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Re: Alchoholic, Abusive parent!

Postby LME79 » Tue Apr 07, 2009 7:22 pm

Oh, what a shame!

In that case, I advise you to ring the number for Al-Anon (it's on the website), explain your situation and see if they'd be able to help you in any other way. I'm sure they'll be able to send some literature to you or even just give you a friendly ear.

Let us know how you get on.

xxx
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Re: Alchoholic, Abusive parent!

Postby lovesforlife » Thu Apr 09, 2009 5:41 pm

Well I would but Im scared to. Im scared the number will come up on the phone bill or my mum will find out.
And im too scared to even go to a meeting now?
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Re: Alchoholic, Abusive parent!

Postby shahin100 » Thu May 28, 2009 12:32 pm

Residential drug treatment can be broadly divided into two camps: 12 step programs or Therapeutic Communities. 12 step programs have the advantage of coming with an instant social support network though some find the spiritual context not to their taste. In the UKdrug treatment is generally moving towards a more integrated approach with rehabs offering a variety of approaches. These other programs may use Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy an approach that looks at the relationship between thoughts feelings and behaviors, recognizing that a change in any of these areas can affect the whole. CBT sees addiction as a behavior rather than a disease and subsequently curable, or rather, unlearnable. CBT programs recognize that for some individuals controlled use is a more realistic possibility.

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