My in laws "buy" their way into our relationship

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My in laws "buy" their way into our relationship

Postby u_l_g » Sun Feb 07, 2010 9:38 pm

At first I thought my boyfriends family were great. They all get on and do lots of things together and help eachother out, and i do think that is admirable, myself coming from a family that is not quite as sociable together. We all even lived together for 6 months and it was fine (although we all quietly wanted out by the end!)

But since my boyfriend and I actually moved out on our own I don't really feel they know the boundaries. They have a lot of money and we don't so that is the usual cause of conflict. For instance my b/f and i were arguing over whether he should go for a weekend away with his friends as i didn't want him to spend the money (we are trying to save for a mortgage), but he did. His parents partially overheard this and he next day offered to give him the money to go. I just thought this was a really rude and interfering thing to do. Surely they should have respected that we should make our own decision together?

Now i feel like they've just stepped in and bought their son his own way. It's only confirmed to him that he can have his cake and eat it and it's made me look like the big bad witch. I don't think any of them really realise how they've made me feel and i feel like the whole family, including my b/f is ganging up on me.

My boyfriend is not supportive of my feelings about it, he says he's happy his parents are able to give him things when he needs. I feel that not only should we be left alone to fight our own battles no matter what, but we should be able to make our own money decisions.

I feel like they are trying to control him and us with their money because they don't want to let go of him and let him live his own life, so they are using whatever they can to keep control - and for them that is money. And it is working because he is letting it work.

To be honest i can accept that his parents may be like that (although i would have hoped it would have improved after a year but i think it is getting worse!) but I can't accept that my boyfriend won't unite with me and set some boundries, he's too busy reaping the benefits getting his own way all the time to think about what it actually means for me and him. How can i make him see how i feel???
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Re: My in laws "buy" their way into our relationship

Postby ILoveChristmas » Mon Feb 08, 2010 4:37 pm

I can see both sides to it if i'm honest.

I understand absolutely that you don't have the same financial backup as him and therefore you're careful and trying to save. At the same time though, it must be extremely hard for him (right or wrong, i'm not judging) to know that the financial backing is there and yet turn his back on it. He probably saw that as a 'free' trip that didn't impact your saving plan, while you see it as an intrusion.

I also understand that it must be hard for his parents to see their son want something and have to 'suffer' without it, especially if during his upbringing he and they were used to dishing the cash, again, right or wrong.

The thing is, i'm not sure how you can possibly convince someone that they shouldn't want that monetary backup. Aside from explaining to him that you feel that the two of you should be self sufficient and only do things that you can afford alone, as I see it the only other option is for you to embrace it. Don't take advantage of them per se, but don't reject help just because it's 'them' offering it.
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Re: My in laws "buy" their way into our relationship

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Feb 09, 2010 5:10 pm

I agree with Ilovechristmas and I also think that his parents probably thought they were helping and saving you both from an agruement

Please don't take this so personally as i don't think they did it as a slight to you or your good intentions to do it on your own. They saw it as a solution to the problem, you still get to save and have the weekend away

By the way I totally respect why you want to manage on your own and fair play but let them treat you occasionally. My mumalways said never look a gift horse in the mouth. As long as it doesn't come with strings then it can't do any harm
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Re: My in laws "buy" their way into our relationship

Postby peecee » Tue Feb 09, 2010 9:01 pm

I agree with ILC and Bel Bel, hun, and like them, I understand completely your wish to be independent.

But! You're forgetting the older generation, who will do anything they can to make their loved young ones happy - whether they want it or not... :D

My mum had five of us, and long after we were grown up, she still spent her hard-earned money on us, however much we begged her not to. It upset my sister and me in the main - not our brothers, they just drifted like a leaf on a stream, like your partner? - because we wanted our mum to do something nice for herself, NOT because we thought she was rude and interfering. I'm a bit surprised you should see their help as such an insult, petal. My mum loved us, and always wanted to do things for us - I think your potential parents-in-law are the same. It may be annoying, but it's not worth getting so narky about it. Just accept that they want what's best for both of you; I think that's pretty wonderful.

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