Dad has new family

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Dad has new family

Postby mich1234 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 12:35 am

Hope you can help me.

I don’t really know how to get past this one. The problem is with my dad. I don't talk about things easily, especially when I'm upset about them.

My mum and dad got divorced when I was little. Throughout my life I feel he has let me down in various ways and of various levels of hurt. I am unsure as to whether to carry on a relationship with him. He has been with his partner for quite a long time. She has a daughter and over the years I feel I have been more and more pushed out of his life. I am an adult and suppose I should not worry too much about this but it does hurt and every christmas it hurts especially more. I used to spend christmas with them but then something changed and I wasn't invited any more. I was never given a reason and they didn't tell me, leaving me high and dry one year without anywhere to go at christmas. As it happens I was invited to friends last minute so I wasn't alone but that they could do that really hurt.

I guess I should not be too surprised because when I was growing up and my dad was on his second marriage I never heard anything from him. This was for about 10 years. Then when I was in my twenties I ran into him in a pub and he didn't recognise me at first. He joked about this with his friend. He said he had thought 'she was a bit of allright' but then realised it was his daughter. This feels so shabby.

He wasn't that great when he and my mum were together either. I remember one time when I was young being really hungry at home and he made himself beans on toast and did not make me anything.

I went on my dad's partner's daughter's hen night a little while ago and was astounded when she announced to the table that he was a 'marvellous father to her'. By the way he has two children from his second marriage who do not speak to him. I wondered how he was being so 'marvellous' to her when that was not the way he has been with me.

My father never remembers my birthday, not even to send a card. At the last birthday his partner rang a few days later and laughingly apologised.

This christmas I rang about dropping presents off but his partner said they were going out for the day. They have said to me they are housebound and cannot get out. Christmas day came and went without a phone call from him. He phoned me today (28th) about 8pm to wish me a 'happy christmas'. They like me to go and see them but don't come to see me because they are housebound, however, they managed to be out shopping all day.

When I do visit my father says very little but his partner talks all the time about her family. I cannot get a word in and they don't ask how I am.

I have thought about talking to him about this but I don't think I would get anywhere because I have not seen him for years without his partner being there. I once started to talk to him about a problem I was having with my mum and he said he did not want to hear it, so I wouldn't hold out much help there.

I think what really upsets me is the fact that he, and his new family, act as if he is the big family man. However, he has four other children; two of whom do not see him and will not speak to him, my brother who does not really care either way, and me who is getting so upset I am thinking of ending my relationship with him, He does not seem to notice this. In the past I have always made excuses for him but I’m getting fed up with this ‘happy family father christmas’ charade of someone who puts all his efforts into his partner's daughter and doesn’t put any effort into his own children.

All this makes me feel really upset. I don't know what you will make of it. Am I being too sensitive?

Signed

Confused and upset.
mich1234
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Re: Dad has new family

Postby retrochav » Sun Jan 02, 2011 4:23 pm

I would feel exactly the same as you about this. If he treated all his children with the same devil may care attitude it wouldnt be so bad, but as he appears to favour one family above others it is bound to hurt. The likely reason is that he shows loyalty to whoever he is with at the time.

The reality is that your dad is a childish coward. Too childish to be a responsible father, too cowardly to address the issues and resolve things. You could write a letter about how you feel, but be aware that it would quite likely be the last you would see of him. It is a decision you have to make for yourself. He appears unlikely to change i am sad to say.

We dont always get the parrents and family we wish we could have, but rather than waste energy on such people, lay your love and care on those who do deserve it. Maybe one day your father will come looking for you, but for the momment there is little point in hurting yourself like this.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: Dad has new family

Postby mich1234 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 7:21 pm

Hi

Many thanks for this response. It has really hurt but I am doing as you suggested. I've talked to family and friends about this also. I've also made a decision to stop contact with him. I think it is the only way I'll stop being disappointed at special times. I guess doing it this way means that it will hurt for a while but then I'll get over it. Whilst carrying on maintaining contact leaves me open for a lifetime of upset.

The old saying is true, you cannot choose your family. I'll concentrate my efforts on those who care for me.
mich1234
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