My mother!

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My mother!

Postby highlandcow » Tue Apr 05, 2011 1:15 pm

Hello all,

Where to start on this. Just a warning, I'm feeling pretty hacked off at the moment so there may be a vibe on this post!
Some background first, my folks are divorced, my dad left my mum. This was about 17 years ago. Both my parents have remarried other people. I'm 25 and my brother is 23.

Anyway, my mother has also been "difficult" (this is me being diplomatic).
She gives me a lot of grief over little things, where I live (she wouldn't come and visit me for months after I moved as she said it was "too inconvenient". I live about a 20-30 min drive from her....), the way I look ("you look more like your father every day...I really can't stand it").
I see her about once a fortnight, it used to be more but she became so overbearing that I just couldn't see her more than that, she was bringing me down. I couldn't deal with the pressure to be perfect. She also married an Englishman, who doesn't like Scottish people. (My mother somehow excepted...I think this just extends to me and my brother for some reason). My charming step-father actually threw my brother out of their house, all because he didn't text my mum before 12 on her birthday. Something mum seemed to support her husband in.

Over Christmas, she went away on holiday with her husband. I called to wish her merry christmas but both their phones were off. I went into a blind panic, thinking something had happened. It was just SO out of character for her to not call/text make SOME kind of contact with at least one person, over Christmas. So I called my aunt (her sister) who then wrote her a long email basically telling her off for being so thoughtless. My mums excuse was that she "forgot" to contact us. On Christmas Day?! Come on...

Anyway, Mother's Day has come and gone, my and my brother (who is notoriously forgetful and lives 500 miles away) both sent cards/texts and made phone calls. But because we didn't send flowers our wishes for mothers day didn't count. I didn't go round and see her because I was at the theatre with my boyfriends mum on the Saturday night, which we had booked for ages. I called her in the evening and she was colder than ice. I didn't get into a long argument as it just wasn't worth it. She was also cross because I didn't write Happy Morhers Day on her Facebook wall....
I logged onto her page yesterday and saw one if her friends write to her asking how she was feeling. She wrote "same old jelly, just a couple of cards and phone calls...they don't disappoint!!". Her friend said that she felt so sorry for her. Then they went on to say that they hope me and my brother have kids so they can be as badly treated as we've treated her. :(

I don't understand. I was so upset. My brother was confused and disappointed in her. My aunt (the one she fell out with) was incensed. My dad is speechless, and said this is the reason they got divorced.

Was I out of line? Am I a terrible daughter? I've never treated her badly, I try to make things right so she'll be happy but Im scared that we'll lose eachother. I love my mum, I just don't know how to make her happy. :(
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

- Billy Connolly
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Re: My mother!

Postby jen » Tue Apr 05, 2011 1:41 pm

Hiya

I'm sorry if i'm not much use because i don't really have much advice i can offer, I just wanted to post to say that i definitely don't think you're a bad daughter and you don't seem to have done anything wrong.

By the sounds of it, it does sound as though your mum, like you said at the beginning of your post is just a bit difficult.

As i said, i don't really know what to suggest because i'm sure that you've made plently of effort already.

Maybe some of the other posters will be able to offer something more constructive but i just wanted to let you know that you should in no way blame yourself for any of this.

Jen
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Re: My mother!

Postby highlandcow » Tue Apr 05, 2011 3:09 pm

Hi Jen,

Thanks for that reply. Its just gulping to know that I'm not a complete "you know what".
I know there probably isn't a simple answer for this, but it really helps to know I'm not doing anything awfull.

Also, sorry to the mods for swearing! Although I have to say I like the sound of "same old jelly"
:)
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

- Billy Connolly
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Re: My mother!

Postby brendo » Thu Apr 07, 2011 5:43 pm

Hey,

I just wanted to say that first of all, this is not your fault. You sound like a caring, loving daughter and that's because you are. Remember that.

It sounds to me like your Mum is a little bit passive-aggressive in her behaviour and likes to play the victim in all these situations.

In a nut shell, she seems to cut herself off from the world in the expectation that everyone will come running to her door to see where she's gone. When that doesn't happen, she lashes out in different ways and blames others for not paying her enough attention; forgetting of course that you all have your own lives to live. Her friends and her husband seem to reinforce this by pitying her situation instead of telling her to cope the hell on and be grateful for what she's got.

And she has got a lot. A husband, friends and loving children. Let's get real here - you and your brother (despite being kicked out of the house) are still in regular contact with her and celebrate her birthdays and other occasions as much as you can, despite the fact that she often throws these efforts back in your faces. Other parents are not so lucky to have such considerate children.

You do love your Mum and you just want to make it right but the harsh reality is that you cannot do this. These are your Mum's issues, not yours. It is up to her to change her outlook on life and it is only her who can decide to do this. I know this isn't what you want to hear but it is the truth. You ARE doing everything a caring child can and you shouldn't expect any more of yourself. Keep up the contact at all times, but try to learn to live with her behaviour and focus on your own life. Maybe one day you will have kids, and then this caring daughter will become a caring Mum :)
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” -Albert Einstein
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Re: My mother!

Postby captainf » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:28 pm

You're a fine daughter, dont worry about it.
I think that she is just a difficult person to be around. Sometimes people like to complain (theres one in every family) and I guess that theres only 2 options you have. You can either talk to your mum and basically tell her that you are not happy with how shes treating you and your brother or you could basically distance yourself from her because you dont have to put up with that sort of treatment when you dont deserve it.
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?
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Re: My mother!

Postby highlandcow » Fri Apr 08, 2011 9:26 pm

Wow, thank you all so much for your replies on this! They actually brought a tear to my eye (been a bit emotional lately...). It's lovely to know I'm not the awful person she makes me out to be. The sad thing is that she's not always like this, sometimes she can be lovely, just this sort of stuff is always round the corner.

I guess I just need to remember they are her issues. Also that she's changed a lot after getting married to her husband, which is a shame as I do have moments where I think "I want my mum back". :(

Anyway, thanks for all the replies, it's good to know that people outside the situation don't think I've been a bad daughter. :) :)
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

- Billy Connolly
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Re: My mother!

Postby captainf » Sat Apr 09, 2011 8:46 pm

Hm I guess all you can try and do is sit back abit. Still talk to your mum, and give her what you see as appropriate for mothers day, birthdays, xmas etc but maybe try not to take what she says to heart. My nan can be abit similar to your mum with the things she says and me and mum just try not to take what she says too seriously and try to take it with a pinch of salt.
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?
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