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Am I being unreasonable?

Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:32 pm
by alibargain
I got divorced in 1999 and my two children (my son and daughter) stayed with me. They saw their dad regularly. They were 12yrs and 9yrs old at the time. My son went to live with his dad (who lives in the same street as me) when he was 17. My daughter who is now 21 is still living with me. I met a wonderful lady and fell in love 2 yrs ago. I told both my children at the time and they said they were both very happy for me. I married my wife in July 2010.
The problem I have is my daughter. She left school at 16, went onto college and worked part time at various jobs. (She either left or got sack)
While she was still in education I never charged her anything for her keep. The chores I expected her to do was to tidy up after herself, her friends and her boyfriend who stayed over most nights. She also has a dog, which she is supposed to look after. When she left college at 19 she went onto job seekers allowance. I knew I couldn’t afford to feed her and her boyfriend so I said she didn’t have to pay any board but had to feed her self. This she did with no problems. Although they did still eat some of my food, bread milk, etc. She managed to get a temporary job for 4 months earning the same as me. During that time I charged her £100 a month board but asked her to carry on feeding and looking after her self. By this time her boyfriend practically lived here too. She did her own and boyfriends washing and ironing. They didn’t pay anything towards electric or washing powder. They would both come in at all hours of the night making a noise and waking us up. (My wife is a very light sleeper.) They got very lazy at tiding up after their selves and I felt I was always nagging. My wife has to be up early for work, has a long working day and doesn’t get home till 7pm.
My daughter split up with her boyfriend but started going out with another the next day. She stayed at his house most days. She was back on job seekers so didn’t have to pay anything to us. She would just come home to get changed, showered and wash her clothes. After a while she and her new boyfriend started to stay at home again. I asked her not to come home late at night as it woke my wife up and found it difficult to get back to sleep. My daughter would stay away for a night but would then come home in the early hours the next. They were both trying to be quite but everything seems to be louder at night. My wife went to the doctors to see if she could get some sleeping tablets. The doctor wouldn’t give her any (saying she was too young and would become addicted) He suggested some relaxing techniques and such. These we tried to no avail. I asked my daughter again if she could stay at her boyfriends if they were going to come in late. Sometimes they did other times they didn’t. My daughter has now just started a job in a nightclub and finishes at 3am. I asked her if she would stay at her dads (who she sees regularly and has a good relationship with) on those nights if it were on a weekday. She has done this only once. She didn’t work last night but came home at 3.15am waking us both up. My wife didn’t manage to fall back to sleep. I spoke to my daughter this morning saying she was being very disrespectful to us, she said she wasn’t and that she lives here too and does not like the fact that I am kicking her out of her home. I explained that I am not kicking her out, just that It would be better if she would stay at her dads on a weekday if she knows she is going to come home late. Am I being unreasonable? I am now at my wits end and don’t know what to do. Please Help.

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 2:17 pm
by snail
Hi Ali :)

I don't know if it's relevant but can I just check; you were previously married to a man and had children with him, but you then married a woman?

EDIT: Don't worry, you just answered my question on another thread. You are now married to a woman.

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 2:20 pm
by alibargain
Yeah that is correct.

Re: Am I being unreasonable?

Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2010 4:15 pm
by Bel Bel
No you are not being unreasonable but yolu have to accept you are allowing this bahviour

From now on tell her at 11pm (or whatever) the door gets bolted, put one on if you don't have one
Don't allow her to live rent free. Tell her you expect x amount a week and if she can't pay you will chuck her out, and mean it. You can't threaten and not follow through
It's your house she has to live by your rules. She can go live with her dad or go to the council, either way she is old enough to stand on her own to feet but she will never do it whilst she doesn't have to.

As for b/f make it a rule, they don't stay. She wants to live with a b/f then get her own place

Making it easy for her is not teaching her to stand on her own too feet. It may sem harsh but it will be a great lessson in life for her

Good luck and have a good Christmas