adult son still depends on me

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adult son still depends on me

Postby miriam » Wed Aug 07, 2013 10:55 pm

hi, my problem is i have 5 grown children; 4 daughters and 1 son. all my daughters are doing well, working, kids, married, engaged or in relationships. my son 25 is the youngest. i have been divorced for many years now, and i am in a very good relationship with a lovely man for 13 years. the problem is i have been on disability for 3 years now and cannot work anymore cos i have rheumatoid arthritis which has affected my hands really bad. my son is the only one at home in the family home, i live with my partner nearby. i'm constantly bailing him out with food and paying the rent, electricity gas etc. cos there still in my name. he seems stuck in his own life. he did work for 6 months of this year and he had the money to pay the bills but it was due to me ringing up constantly to make sure he does it. i recently came into a sum of money, not too big, not too small. i don t really want to spend or waste it but basically to try alternative treatments instead of drugs etc. basically i want to just to worry about my own health instead of constantly trying to motivate my son to get a job etc. besides i want my home back but not with him in it. i love him dearly and have a good relationship with him. he s basically a nice guy but he drives me to distraction. by the way he was diagnosed with a mild learning disability while in school and left it at 16.he does not seem to know what to do with his life, he has no ambition and no inclination to get a job. he never asks me for money and at times he has gone hungry, but i would go and buy food for him. he does not drink or do drugs, he's pleasant but shy. his sisters thinks he takes advantage of me and that i'm too soft with him. he s lazy and does not keep the house in good order. unfortunately i cannot motivate him at all and he seems content to drift along as he is. i m weary from watching out for him and i dont know what to do to make him see i cannot financially support him any more. it causes problems between me and my partner but i couldnt just throw him out on the street. i m at my wits end. i would appreciate any advice as i do not know what to do anymore.
miriam
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Re: adult son still depends on me

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Aug 08, 2013 9:54 am

I think you have to give him a time scale to move out
Ask your daughters to help you talk to him about a plan and help you stick to it. Most importantly you can't feel sorry for him and this is where your daughters can give you the support to ensure you go through with it.
You are going to have to be cruel to be kind
Whilst you are there to bail him out he has no incentive to stand on his own two feet
Your job as a parent is to help him stand on his own two feet. One day you may not be around to help, then where will he be if you have always been his safety net.
He can rent a room in shared accomodation which would make his bills smaller. I am sure your daughters can offer other suggestions too
Does the job centre know of his learning difficulties because they can help him with courses etc if they are aware?
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Re: adult son still depends on me

Postby miriam » Wed Aug 14, 2013 9:44 pm

thanks for the advice bel bel. my daughters and partner have been saying the same. i have given him ultamatum ( hate doing that) til the end of the year for everything. i want my house back by then and he has to do something with his life too. i dont know if he hears me but all i can do is keep reminding him. i pray i have the strength to carry out ultamatum if and when the time comes. but right now i m praying for a miracle. luckily he applied for a college course in something to do with computers, which he is good at.he did a training course in computers last year and passed with flying colours and a distinction. but as for work, this blasted recession; everybody does computer courses, so, employers can cherry pick employees. also he might be recalled in january once again for the job he had last year which is seasonal. he does tend to get annoyed when we gang up on him but i also try to point out the positives in his life and to develop them more. he does lack confidence in himself except in his immediate group. he has a few friends, same ones he had all his life and he adores his sisters and nieces and nephews. i know i am not the best person in the world to motivate him. i know for some people it comes from within, like i worked hard all my life and i remember people who helped and motivated me along the way.
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Re: adult son still depends on me

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Aug 15, 2013 10:42 am

Have you considered getting him to a life coach, someone who can perhaps give him that motivation?
You MUST follow through on the ultimatum or you will be stuck in the same situation.
You are delivering tough love, not being a horrible parent, even though it feels that way.
I wouldn't even worry about telling him to do something with his life just concentrate on getting him out of the house, one will necesitate the other so you don't need to look like the nagging mum if you just focus on getting your house back, which is a very reasonable request, especially given the timescale he has to sort it out.
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