Really difficult decisions to make

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Really difficult decisions to make

Post by janjan » Thu Aug 06, 2015 6:41 pm


I will try to keep this post short, but the situation is complex. Basically, my family has had to split due to a Child Protection issue. Currently I am with lodging with relatives with one child (16) and my OH is lodging at our flat with the other child (14). We had hoped that the 16 year old would have funding approved for a specialised residential college, but this has not been the case (he has mental health issues and ASD). He wishes to go to a mainstream college in our local area. Whilst I respect his decision, I know that he will need a lot of care and support to make his college placement work (and even then there is a risk that his mental health will break down) and I know I will need to provide him with the stability and care he requires to get through his periods of self hatred. Yet I am so torn.

To provide the care my son needs I will have to give up a job that I worked very hard for. Worse still, I will not be able to live with my youngest son, although I will be able to see him as long as my eldest son is not there. We will have to find somewhere to live and it will be as a single parent unit. The emotional toll is tremendous. My OH has told me that my youngest cries for me at night (we have not seen each other for five weeks since the CP began). Yet my eldest gets anxious even if he hears his brother's voice on the phone. The CP issues are between the two brothers.

I feel like I need to give my eldest the chance to live a 'normal' life and yet, by doing so, I am depriving my youngest son of his mother.

I would appreciate any advice.

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Re: Really difficult decisions to make

Post by snail » Fri Aug 07, 2015 9:20 pm

Gosh, that is such a difficult situation. I really feel for you.

I don't really know how to advise anyone going through that. All I can say is that my gut feeling is that you, your partner and the youngest child (being three of you) are more important than the eldest child's wishes about his preferred college (not that that isn't important but there is only one person affected by it). Overall though I think your eldest child's college is more important than a job, unless you have only that job to support people with.

If you can, I think a residential college for your eldest does make sense. If you do stay with him, can you live any closer to the others so you can still be a mother to the other son to an extent? Can the relatives you're living with now care for your eldest on their own perhaps, without your living there? Would they do that if they could become official carers maybe?
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

Najwa Zebian

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