It's a mess ....

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It's a mess ....

Post by Glendav7 » Tue Sep 19, 2017 3:35 pm

Long story, I have two grown up daughters (21h, one married and lives away, the other still lives at home.
This one has never had a boyfriend but has had a couple of boys who are close friends.
One in particular she has known for two years and I know she would love him to become more than just a friend. They've done lots together such as going out in a group and going on holidays.
To cut a long story short he has always dated other girls throughout this time. After his last girl broke up with him he was upset. I've always had him as a friend on social media and we used to share the odd joke or a short chat.
There was no one about when this girl dumped him, my daughter was working and he needed a chat so we chatted.
To cut a long story short he then used to make excuses to come around to our house and eventually told me he found me attractive. I tried to brush it off but after one night out he invited himself to stay. I thought he would either sleep alone or with my daughter but in the end it was my bed he chose. We slept together about three times more after this but always without my, daughters knowledge. I knew he only wanted a bit of fun and thought he would keep it to himself.
Anyway a few weeks after the last time I thought it was all over although we did still share the odd comment online.
He and my daughter went out one evening and he ended up telling her what had happened.
She was raging, even though they have never been boyfriend and girlfriend. Now he has managed to twist it to being all my fault, which it was not. He made all the running every time. Trouble is she believes him. She cried for two days solid and even though she will speak to me now it's just not the same. She's still speaking to him regularly. I don't know what to do.
I don't want her to lose her best friend, or maybe even chance he could become more, but on the other hand it wasn't my fault and I want her to believe that. I wish we had just remained as we were, I only befriended him as I thought he would one day become more important to her. Please help,

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Re: It's a mess ....

Post by snail » Wed Sep 20, 2017 7:59 pm

I don't think that there's much you can do, except be apologetic, be patient, and stay away from all her friends in future. You are her mum; eventually she'll forgive you. What you did was pretty awful - it's not appropriate to say he made all the running, of course he did, he's a stupid youngster who would be overwhelmed by the thought of seducing an older woman. You were the much older one and understood what was happening in a way he didn't. In addition, you must have known that the moment you did anything sexual with him, you made it impossible for your daughter to ever have him. It would have been a bad betrayal if a friend had done what you did, let alone her mother. Even if she had only liked him as a platonic friend, it still would have been deeply disturbing for her for you, her mum, to have a romantic relationship with him. Be as supportive of her as you can, stay totally out of all her relationships in future with friends or otherwise, and never give her cause to worry you might do this again.
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Re: It's a mess ....

Post by David020549 » Thu Sep 21, 2017 7:29 am

What on earth were you thinking, sleeping with her boyfriend, that is probably the worst thing a mother could do, however attractive he is, he is a rake, who will shag anything. Not only that he was so cruel that he told your daughter and certainly had a really good laugh about it with his mates in the bar, when he made a pass at you you should have told your daughter and made her aware of his character.

That's what mothers are for.

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Re: It's a mess ....

Post by reckoner » Thu Sep 21, 2017 10:41 pm

I was just reading an article about the impact of social media on drawing boundaries in relationships and it makes my mind boggle at what it has made possible. Social media mixes social circles in ways that would have been unthinkable before it happened. In my opinion, the dangers of social media are that we get fragments of information about people and populate these scant details with our own various assumptions, prejudices or fantasies. Things can get deep fast with relative strangers, without ever even having to brush your teeth and comb your hair first. But however blurred the lines have become between friends of friends since social media, the usual lines of you who should and should not sleep with are still firmly in place.

So I can see how the friendship with this guy started, but that didn't stop me from spitting my tea out at "it was my bed he chose". That was well beyond the blame of social media and seems like the apex of your general failure in your post to accept responsibility for what happened. He may be an adult legally, but the responsibility was on you, the experienced adult and parent, to know better, long before he 'chose your bed' (is that what all guests do?!).

This is beyond the point of rational explanation (it was nothing more than giving in to carnal pleasures, regardless of the ramifications) so the last thing in the world I think you should do is to attempt to explain things to your daughter, especially if you can't take responsibility for what happened. There is nothing you can say to her about it that won't make her shudder, at the very least. Nor do I see how you can make any kind of criticism about him to your daughter; your motives regarding anything to do with him will be forever questionable as far as she's concerned now.

I think the very best you can do is to express your deep and sincere regret at having made such an awful series of misjudgments and do what Snail said to make you both sure that you'll never ever hurt her like this again. That involves being extremely aware of how a chat online can escalate and impact upon real life.

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