Help with Child and my feelings after partner had an affair

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Help with Child and my feelings after partner had an affair

Postby Lovely » Mon Sep 24, 2018 2:27 pm

My partner of 14 years had an affair and walked out on me and our children. My youngest does not want to see his dad but my 14 year old still sees him .
My partner even sneaked to see her on day of my dads funeral and I am finding it hard to cope with grieving for my dad and the hurt of him having the affair .
I have learned from my son that his dad and the women is moving into my area . I’m not sure how I will cope seeing them together ( she does not know he was still living with us when he started seeing us as he is an expert liar and lied the whole 14 Year’s we was together) .
My first instinct is to move right away and start again with my boys . I love where I live and it means leaving my job my granddaughter and friends and starting again . I feel I’m turning bitter every time I think about what he did .
I have tried to talk to my son about moving but he does not want to move and change schools and has turned into a huge argument.
I don’t know what to do for the best and was wondering how other people would deal with the situation .
I have always put my children first but I am so confused about what to do and how will I keep myself together if I see them around .
Do I put myself first so I don’t turn twisted and bitter or do I ride it out for my sons sake and hope the hurt will stop and seeing them will eventually stop being so painful?

What would you do in my situation?
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Re: Help with Child and my feelings after partner had an aff

Postby snail » Tue Sep 25, 2018 3:27 pm

I think I would stay put, if you can. The practical reasons for this are, firstly, you can always change your mind and go at a later date if you really can't stand it, but once you have gone you can't come back. Secondly, why should you be the one to leave your job, family, friends etc, to avoid them when you haven't done any wrong. Thirdly, your sons must have been upset and shaken already, and it seems unfair to put them through another upheaval, or make it harder for them to see their other parent if and when they want to. Fourthly, it's often surprising how quickly these things become irrelevant - although you're hurting terribly now, in time, and especially if you start a new relationship, you might really not care that much about where your ex is, or might even feel relief that he can no longer spoil your life and is someone else's problem.

Also, you don't actually know if what your son has told you is true, or, if it is true, whether you would bump into them more than once in a blue moon anyway. Take a bit of time for the hurt to fade and a bit of breathing space before making a decision.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Help with Child and my feelings after partner had an aff

Postby reckoner » Wed Sep 26, 2018 5:10 pm

I completely agree with absolutely everything Snail has written.

Lovely wrote:Do I put myself first so I don’t turn twisted and bitter or do I ride it out for my sons sake and hope the hurt will stop and seeing them will eventually stop being so painful?


I think this is actually a question of mindset: you have to decide that you won't let it turn you bitter and twisted. Of course, it's perfectly understandable that this would be your instinctive reaction but, especially as one of your children still wishes to be in contact with him, I think it's important that you try to overcome this feeling. I think your choice of words about riding it out until the situation becomes less painful, should it happen, is very appropriate.
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