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brother and sister in law problems

Posted: Mon May 07, 2007 12:05 am
by chat noir
I guess this is kinda complicated..and long! sorry :P
My boyfriend's sister (S) has two children and one on the way with her boyfriend (I shall call him R). R works as far as I know and gets paid fortnightly in his job. Many times in the past Ive been asked to lend money to them to buy things for the kids as they didn't have the money they needed. Yesterday my boyf (D) called me asking if I could pay £10 into his bank account (Im away from home at the mo) so they could get bread and milk for the kids as there was none in the house and they didn't have any money and S was 50 miles away visiting her mother (with the money). For some reason she didn't leave any money with them before she went. I couldn't say no as they are only 18 months and 2 and a half and they need food after all. Also I will be there Friday when D gets paid so I know I will get the money back.

Anyway today they started asking me to go to where they live (3 hours drive from me atm) and they were practically begging, and I knew something was up. They (R) was asking me to just get my housemate to hand in my final ever uni essay and get her to forge my signature on the cover sheet because they needed me to go tomorrow! Like I was gonna risk my whole degree at the last minute! Eventually it came out that they had only one nappy left for the baby! I gave them £10 yesterday and I cant understand why they didn't buy any nappies with the money they had then. It's bank holiday monday and I cant pay any money into the bank and even if I could, S is 50 miles from them with the bank card so they couldnt get it anyway! They asked their neighbour but she said she didn't have any money either, I dont know what's going on now either.

Anyway my problem is that Im hoping to be moving to the same city as them soon with D as we both like it better than our hometown. I don't want to become someone who they think they can run to when they need something they don't have the money for. when it comes to the kids I can't say no because theyre only babies and they need food and nappies and that. They seem to think I have a constant supply of money and think Im loaded (I wish, I have enough money to get home this week and that's it, not a pound more :(). It just really narks me and I don't know what to do about it. I dont want to become a babysitter, taxi service or cashpoint to them if Im not living far from them in the not oo distant future. Any advice? They're both very volatile people and if you rub them up the wrong way they will be fuming for ages and saying that I can't stay over (D lives with them) and then I wouldnt be able to see him as my rents say he can't sleep at my house. There is basically no way of saying that I can't afford to keep bailing them out all the time but then I can't let the kids suffer because of it either!

Sorry that was so long...anyone got any ideas????

Posted: Mon May 07, 2007 1:10 pm
by chat noir
just a little update.. S has now got in a sulk about the whole thing saying "well screw her then if she wont help" about me - its not that Im refusing to, its that I physically cannot do anything with no money and with the essay thing going on!!! I know she's probably just saying it cuz she is wound up over it and she's pregnant (and very moody, always is when pregnant) but it's still annoyed me greatly that Ive gone out of my way to help them (she still owes me £15 from weeks ago when I bought bread/milk for the kids and cigarettes cuz she didn;t have any money and promised to pay me back the next day but didnt) and Im in debt because of her and Im having to pay that off as well, and I try to help as much as I can where the kids are concerned but I simply can't this time, and Im getting it thrown back in my face! GAAAAH!

Edited by LME
No swearing, even with ***s

Posted: Mon May 07, 2007 11:38 pm
by forever_in_love
Have you spoken to your partner about this? Does he not see how ridiculous this is? If they don't have any money could they not get a loan? Seems fairer than borrowing from a student, who notoriously struggle for money. I know that if i had the added stress of feeling obliged to provide food for kids right now id be in a right mess. I think you need to at least have a long talk with your bf about this. I would even talk to S herself. If they don't have £10 to feed their current children, what are they doing having another one? I think it's terrible. It's not your problem though, hun so don't feel guilty for the children. It must be terribly hard though. I think unless they find the money from somewhere, they will have to get a loan or face the consequences. You can't have kids and expect someone else to pay for them. Who would wish that life on their kids?

Posted: Tue May 08, 2007 2:12 am
by chat noir
S had money and normally they do have enough money for the things the kids need and mostly everything is ok - but she went to her mothers for the weekend and for some reason didnt leave any money with R and D - if she had there wouldn't have been a problem in this case...but it has happened other times too. I have talked to D about it, he agrees it is ridiculous but S is ridiculously hormonal and does not like to be argued with so he just goes along with it usually to just have a quiet life #-o

Posted: Tue May 08, 2007 9:01 am
by lidopig
OMG aren't we ALL hormonal (male and female !) from time to time.Unfortunately she has got used to stamping her feet and getting her own way.Until people stand up to her and say enough is enough,it will continue.

Posted: Tue May 08, 2007 10:44 am
by spacegirl
why do you care what she thinks? what kind of parents leave their children with no food or nappies? R sounds like a complete walkover as well, these kids are not your responsibility. i can't believe your boyfriend is expecting you to fend for his sister's kids. i would be mortified if my brother asked my boyfriend for money. if i were you, i would refuse to give them any more money, if she acts up, ask her why she went home without leaving the kids with any money, why she spends money on cigarettes before she'd buy nappies, how could she argue with you then? i'm sure your boyfriend is a lovely guy but i would expect him to stand up for you against his crazy sister especially since this is so uncalled for.

and don't feel guilty about the kids. they'll always find the money from somewhere, even if it means (shock horror) going without cigarettes for a few days. she shouldn't be smoking while pregnant anyway. If they don't find the money, then that's a case for social services. sorry if i sound quite wound up over this, but i hate to see someone being taken advantage of like this!

Posted: Tue May 08, 2007 10:50 am
by spacegirl
and when S is in her mother's, why doesn't she pay the money into her account, instead of D asking you?