Am I doomed for life?

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Am I doomed for life?

Postby Niamh » Mon May 28, 2007 12:03 am

I am 21 and have already been through so much horror and sadness that I feel I cannot cope any more: I have no more emotional reserves. For years I had Anorexia while growing up -- a strong symptom of deep depression and unhappiness that I could not control -- and from the age of ten I suffered great sadness and came to realise that I had an entirely, automatically negative view of life, and could do nothing to stop my own self-destructive pessimism. Believe me, I have tried so hard over the years to be a positive person, but it isn't something you can just make a decision about and it'll happen for you. While going through my Anorexia years, I went out with someone for three years, from the age of 17. He was a control freak and destroyed my sense of self, and my self-image, and isolated me from family and friends by using amazing manipulative techniques, guilttripping me and scaring me into obeying him constantly. It was not a relationship, it was the lack thereof -- a void: void of affection or anything like it, and it rooted me deeper and deeper into Anorexia. It was my only way of feeling I had any control at all over my life. Finally -- FINALLY -- I managed to get out of the relationship (for the guts of the three years I stayed with him because I felt sorry for him in his problems and as I am a very loving person naturally, I did love him and care about him, and excused his behaviour to myself constantly) and made a very positive move: I went to university in the UK. This was a very scary move for me, but I got over it and it all seemed to be going really well: I immediately made good friends and was, for the first time in my life, feeling carefree. I was also enjoying my chosen course. I felt like life was turning around for me. I met a lovely fella, and he seemed to be mad about me too, so I built up a normal, loving, fun relationship with him. Then (like I said, I feel like I am doomed -- I don't know what to do) I went home for the Easter holidays of first year, and was in a serious car accident in which I was the driver -- an elderly female pedestrian was killed. There was drink involved. I live now every day since (it's been just over a year) with horrific survival guilt and sorrow and remorse (for the family involved and for my own, for all the pain and suffering I have caused them) and now, my boyfriend (now of nearly two years) who I sincerely loved and cared for, has broken up with me. Initially he wanted a "break" for the whole summer holidays (and I do understand that because I know how intense I have been and how full of sorrow because of the accident, but I did try to make the relationship good), but I felt I did not want to be strung along and wanted to be a little in control of the situation, so I broke it off fully, believing he didn't care much anyway. That was a week ago. Dear reader, I know I have rambled on, but please please advise me -- I am desperate. I am living in agony. I feel I am just a person who is doomed and that everything I touch will fall apart. Believe me, I know how self-centred that might sound: I know the universe does not revolve around me, and some days I tell myself I am being stupid, but other days I really truly feel like I am destined for sorrow throughout my whole life. It's come to the point where I am scared of life, I am scared of each day of sorrow. Like i said, I have always been an incredibly intense person, always feeling things to the core, and always quite manic if I DO get 'happy' days. So I can never rest. I am exhausted, reader, and I am on antidepressants so I dread to think what I would be like without them. I am afraid and alone and so so tired. I am now in my family home for the summer, and do have a lovely family, but no one understands what I am going through. I feel destined for sorrow and I feel there is no way out because my startoff in life (these twentyone years) has been so marred with pain. I feel ancient -- so old. Like an old woman. Some days I am ready to die; some days I want to keep fighting and find a good life. Please advise me. Thank you so much for reading . N xxx
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Postby brfc » Mon May 28, 2007 9:24 am

well from reading from what you have wrote sounds like you have had a really tough few years but i feel you want too turn your life around for the better which is a good start. have you ever tried counciling too help you get over everything that has happened? too move on with your life you need to try to put your past in the past. say to yourself i cant change the past but i can change my future. hope that make sense. brfc xx
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Thank you

Postby Niamh » Mon May 28, 2007 7:50 pm

Thank you very much for reading and replying: I had counselling for years for Anorexia, and then counselling at my university for the accident etc... I won't have any now for the whole summer, but will try to keep myself positive; I will change my future. Thank you so much for your advice! I really needed to write all that and to have someone write back really really helps. Thanks so much xxx Niamh
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Postby brfc » Mon May 28, 2007 9:36 pm

your welcome niamh. glad that you will try to stay positive just keeping thinking that my future will be loads better and if you ever need a chat always here too help. never a problem. take care niamh. brfc xx
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Postby hanwap » Tue May 29, 2007 4:32 pm

Hiya just had to respond to your post: you sound sooo much like me it's not funny! I too am very intense and moody and feel like I'm just a naturally depressed person; always analysing and thinking "why me, God!???!" (ok bit dramatic but you get the picture).
I'm sure you've beaten yourself up more than enough for the crash, what an awful situation for everyone involved....and it's good you had councelling for it and that you feel you have moved on from it??? The resulting feeling although you may get over one tragedy in your life, if they keep happening is that you are doomed as you say to a life of tragedy. Although I too am like this, I do vehemently believe that life is what you make it, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I.e. if you think bad things will happen they normally do. It's not that God or the Universe is contriving to make your life hell, it's just your perception of things. Bad stuff happens to everyone it's how we deal with it that makes us who we are. Unfortuanately I haven't quite grown into the marvellous accepting person I advise others to be, but what I have learned recently is that if you spend too much time by yourself over analysing it makes it so much worse. I can only suggest you get some hobbies or throw yourself into your job or - volunteer, all the things people tell you to do that you think yeah yeah but it really works, if anything it takes the focus of you for once. Don't be angry at yourself for being intense - that's what you are! One day someone will find you sexy and irresistible because of it. If your boyf can't handle that, it's his too bad. Have you thought about working abroad for the summer, camp america, a kibbutz, vso??? There are a million opportunities working with people who desperately need your help (as you say you are naturally very caring), this will open your mind, take your troubles away from yourself and grow in unimaginable ways. msg me if you want to know more about this as I've worked and lived abroad and know of loads of opportunities :D
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Postby ti.amo » Mon Jul 02, 2007 9:31 pm

damn the internet - i'm afraid a metaphorical hug will have to do

i know exactly how you feel, and im afraid the bad news is that there will always be a bad day, bad week . . .

what i can say though is that you can have soooooo many more good days

think tescos - every little helps:

1.) joys of chocolate
2.) excerise
3.) the one that worked best for me - you have to list at least three reasons why you love life and should keep living - every day
4.) take some time to notice really beautiful, odd little things - like a butterfly on a rose petal, or the smell of cut grass . . . little things to try and help you smile
5.) another one that really works - write it all down - no one has to see it, but just going over things in your mind for long enough and 'translating' it on to paper can help clarify

you are by no means 'doomed for life' you have a whole life ahead of you, and yes, there is probably some dude up there with a cruel sense of humour, but the least we can all do is get the last laugh, right?

hope i've been of help, and the best of luck xx
:) Don't worry . . . be happy! :)
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Postby all_apologies » Mon Jul 02, 2007 9:55 pm

Some excellent advice already. Particularly, what hanwap said really rings true. You have to make the most of what you have, because if you're always assuming the worst will happen then even when things are fine you'll feel down.

I think you've got a lot more of a handle on your situation than you realise. Reason being, you know exactly where your faults lie and the reasons you're feeling so negative. Your opening post fully accounted for your depression, so you know exactly what you've got to overcome.

Yet, I also noted how you mention that you're naturally very loving, and it's good that you can see this side of yourself. I too think, as hanwap suggested, some sort of volunteering or camp would be great for you. Not only will you make friends, enjoy yourself and take your mind off things, but you might feel that you're giving something back after all this time of guilt. Realistically, you're always going to feel regret over the accident, and rightly so. But, if you let it dominate your thoughts forevermore then that's another life wasted.

Did you find the counselling helpful?
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Postby Niamh » Wed Sep 26, 2007 1:52 pm

Wow, thank you all so much for the replies; I did not know they were there till just now, as I didn't get any emails about them. Wow, so helpful. I actually just found out I am pregnant, and, although it was a complete shock and completely unplanned etc, I believe that this child is where I can direct all my love and positivity. Thank you all so much for taking the time to write to me -- it has been of so much help, what a great site this is. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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