sexual assault?

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sexual assault?

Postby clara84 » Wed Jun 20, 2007 12:20 pm

Hi, I need some advice because im not sure what to think atm. I've had a bf for 3 years approx and I love him to bits, want to marry him at some stage and he's the one for me. I've suffered with depression very badly for years and often feel near suicidal and as a result of this I have hidden away whilst ive been at university. I went to another university a few years ago and suffered with depression there and took an overdose. I've been very lonely at uni, my boyfriend is much more confident and has been at a different uni and ive made a few close friends and have chosen to have very close friendships to having may - partly due to hiding away in my flat so much. I made friends with this guy Tom* last year. I initally thought my god we are chalk and cheese. He smokes loads of weed, to ridiculous levels and drinks very very heavily and is extremely thin because he has an eating disorder. I used to drink very heavily but it makes me depressed and i get extremely drunk very quickly and so have spent the year not drinking. Ive grown close to this guy because he has always been very caring and basically a good friend. Anytime im upset he cheered me up and whenever i did want to go out i would call him and join him and his friends or just him and i trusted him 100%. I opened up and told him how down i got, how i had taken an overdose in the past, how i feared being taken advantage of drunk because that had happened to me a few years before..he said he would never do that to a girl, would always be there for me as a friend and said i was always safe with him. And so gradually he became my best friend. People have often said he obviously fancies me but i was always so clear to him that i just wanted a friend and he knows how much i adore my bf. It is true he has been extremely complementary to me, like he said how he can imagine guys fall in love with me so easily, told me how beautiful and clever i am and how 'good' I am and how 'bad' he was. And i admit it was lovely having a friend who thought so highly of me but that was it to me - a friend and i made sure he knew that and he said i was only a friend to him too. He would talk to me about girlfriends and i would about my bf and he would tell me to be wary of all the guys i knew, particularly ones who fancied me cos he said they just wanted to shag me. We got our results the other day and were in a big group. My bf called and spoke to me and said how are u getting home and Tom* said i'll get her home safe and sound dont worry and told me i could drink, i was safe with him etc. He's often walked me home in the past but this was the first time ive been so drunk. And i felt like i was safe. I felt so happy. People slowly drifted off so it was five of us - his brother, Tom*, myself and Tom*'s two best friends. And then we wondered somewhere else in London and that's all i remember - blank..the next thing I am in another part of London, not my house, and i am naked on Tom*s bed and he is kissing me and touching me. His face was blurred in front of me and i wasnt in any state to think or anything but i kissed him back, but it wasnt him, i was reacting but not knowing and i enjoyed having my breasts touched and then i fell unconcious again. It makes me feel so disgusted with myself now but i was so out of it i didnt know what was happening and then blank again and i woke up crying hysterically and he said it was all his fault, i called my bf he said i should go to the police and i did and this guy was arrested and is now on bail. And im so upset. I trusted him so much and he knew how something like this would push me over the edge, how i never thought of him in that way and he knows i can't take my drink at all i simply flop and fall unconscious..so i shouldnt have drunk and i blame myself completely for that but i never in a million years thought that in such an incapacitated state he would make his move. And i feel so confused by my feelings. I hate him for doing this but i hate myself for feeling sexually aroused at all in the time when i was at all conscious. After the statement i came straight home to my family and this was 5 days ago. This is my first day properly up except for yesterday when i went to the doctor because i have bruising on my inner thigh which he had to record. I know that Tom* told the police i consented but he must have known that i was too out of it to know what was going on. He has told me guys who do this type of thing - move in on a girl only when they are out of it- are sick. And the thing is i miss my friend, i wish i could call him and tell me about this other person who did this to me, but it was him. And i know that a case such as this is so difficult to proceed with and im left feeling betrayed but dirty as well. Im just so upset. And i dont know what he is thinking, does he feel remorse? He text during the day b4 his arrest saying he was sorry he had messed everything up but did he actually believe that cos he told the police i consented..I dont know what to think. Some part of me thinks that he thought i actually did want it because he liked me so much that he thought that the drink had revealed my true feelings even tho i was out of it but i kissed him, but i couldnt even see him, i didnt know anything. I just am so confused, angry and hurt.
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Postby Weasley » Wed Jun 20, 2007 12:45 pm

Gosh, what this "friend" did to you was awful! I think he went way beyond the friendship point and obviously took advantage of your current state of mind. You did the right thing by called the police and reporting him and you shouldn't feel like any of this is your fault. The only thing you did was to trust him and he betrayed that trust in the worse possible way ever. It's completely normal for anyone in your situation to feel dirty and blame themselves, but please understand HE did this to you! Talk to your family and boyfriend, they will be there to support you and will be as understanding as you need them to be. This guy should have been looking after you that night, not taking advantage! If you need to be angry, be angry but just make sure you are not beating yourself up over what happened. Let us know how you get on.
xxx :)
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Postby Teenspirit » Wed Jun 20, 2007 1:41 pm

HI CLARA84,

What a poohy time......

Weasley is right you did do the right thing......

People like Tom can sense when someone is valurable and they take advantage......Even if it did feel ok he should never have started anything in the first palce......

Even if you and he were both single and liked each other the best thing to do when someone is that out of it is not to touch them sexually at all....

That way you dont wake up in hysterics and he doesnt wake up being accused of anything.......

This guy knows that he done wrong...........

As you have already been feeling depressed before this happened I think you need to speak to someone you can trust and just get everything off your chest.

Hope everything works out for you.......
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Postby clara84 » Sat Jun 23, 2007 10:41 pm

Thanks for your messages back, i really appreciate it. Im still in limbo so to speak on everything..i feel terrible low about the whole thing and keep blaming myself for responding to him by kissing back when i was not unconscious and angry at myself because i know i wouldnt have responded had i known what was going on in the slightest and angry with him and then angry with myself. I know ur right saying i shouldnt blame myself but im finding that SO difficult. I just keep thinking yes he would have known he was wrong trying it on with such a drunk girl and especially one who he knew didnt like him in that way and had told him to look after her but by me kissing back when i was conscious but not aware of what was happening does that make it all my fault? Im going to find it so difficult to trust guys again. I had been in therapy for 3 years and stopped around november last year because i didnt feel it was helping much adn i actually found it more helpful talking to my close friends and especially him and i saw him in that way, i thought no matter what he will be there for me and i will be for him so even if the worst thing happens to me it would be ok..but now it isnt ok. Im seeing the doctor again on monday, he put me on antidepressents but they keep making me feel sick so i stopped taking them and somehow i feel they are just masking pain which i need to just work through. My family and boyfriend said they feel i need them right now but i just dont want the way i feel to be affected unnaturally in any way right now. Thanks for your messages,

clara x
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Postby yessica » Sun Jun 24, 2007 5:13 pm

Weasley wrote:Gosh, what this "friend" did to you was awful! I think he went way beyond the friendship point and obviously took advantage of your current state of mind. You did the right thing by called the police and reporting him and you shouldn't feel like any of this is your fault. The only thing you did was to trust him and he betrayed that trust in the worse possible way ever. It's completely normal for anyone in your situation to feel dirty and blame themselves, but please understand HE did this to you!


Totally agree! You must feel awful but we're all here for u..
:D Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and they all think you're on drugs :lol:
xoxoxox
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Postby clara84 » Mon Jun 25, 2007 11:52 pm

I printed out the messages yesterday to try and re-enforce everything and try to stop tormenting myself so much. I dont know if anyone has facebook on here but i went on it and looked at his pictures and instead of hating him i just find i cant, i feel sad and i miss him and i hate the fact that we arent going to be friends anymore. I keep writing letters to him and throwing them away because i cant get in touch with him. I think the problem is that ive only had a few close friends at uni and he was my best friend and now i feel a void and because i miss him and have always thought of him as sweet little Tom* i just cant remove that thought and im sure he will be upset with himself for this. But somehow i feel like ive messed up because if i hadnt drunk this wouldnt have happened and id still have my friend. My mum said that's a ridiculous way of thinking and im sure ull think the same and then i get waves of guilt because i think if i dont hate him and the fact that im so horribly sad he's not going to be a part of my life anymore - does that mean ive got feelings for him and therefore this is all of my fault? I just feel like im going around in circles, i wish i could turn back time. x
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Postby Weasley » Tue Jun 26, 2007 10:34 am

I really don't think you can blame yourself for this, and I don't think it will help you either. I know it's very easy to pull the blame onto yourself for what happened, but you must try and understand it wasn't your fault! I know you miss his friendship, but do you really want friends who can be as cruel as to do that to you? I don't think anyone that can take advantage like that is worthy of being your friend. I know it's easy for me to say, but I would try and focus your mind on something else. When I'm feeling down, it helps me when I think of something positive about myself - maybe say "I'm a strong, young woman" in your head over and over again until you believe it. I always find this makes me feel better and I tell you what - you must be strong to go through what you have been through. Don't pity yourself. I honestly believe that some things you can forgive of friends, but this is unforgivable. At the end of the day, I hope he is feeling so guilty, not only for what he did to you but for messing up your friendship.
xxx :)
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Postby clara84 » Mon Aug 20, 2007 11:18 pm

Hi, i havent been on here for some time but im still feel very low about what happened with my friend Tom*. I went away with my boyfriend to the states for a few weeks which really helped but when i was away i kept having dreams and flash backs all the time. My mood was so all over the place. I missed Tom and started to think i must have feelings for him but ive since realised that isnt the case at all i was confused and upset because i miss him, i still do and although i should hate him i hate myself more. Im now seeing a therapist once a week and have moved back in with my parents for the year. I sent lots of messages to Tom explaining why i had needed to go to the police, how upset i was and am and all of this but i know that he has continued like normal, he has gone to parties, gone out lots...and he told a mutual friend that he did nothing wrong and apparently he was more upset about being arrested in front of his brother than anything else. I feel dead inside. He was the friend i would text or call first if i felt down, he made me feel so good about myself, he didnt see any of my flaws and now this. Now i feel horrible and he didnt even get back to suicidal messages with me saying i wanted to die, didnt he have any respect for me at any point and all the rest of it. Nothing. A couple of friends of mine have emailed him and practically begged him to contact me to say he cared at some point. i feel so low all the time and keep thinking about dying and how then he would feel guilt. I know that it a terrible thing to write but i just feel invisble and hurt and disgusting. And i have the nasty image of being naked and enjoying kissing him and moaning softly, i feel sick, sick sick sick...i never wanted it, i didnt know what was happening, i never ever would have gone near him, i still dont know why was there or anything. He knew i didnt like him and he told a mutual friend he remembers everything so he must have made the conscious decision, or thought i wanted it..and his recent action, his lack of getting back to me seems to imply to me that he doesnt feel any guilt and that makes me feel or think - is it my fault? Am I just a nasty little slut?That nasty flashback, the only image i have between the bar and the next morning wont leave me, it plagues me at every turn and i feel sick. When my boyfriend touches me i think of it. I keep over eating, comfort eating. I just cant bear feeling the way i do.
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Postby Weasley » Tue Aug 21, 2007 9:08 am

It's good that you got away for a bit and are talking to someone about what happened - I'm sure they will help you understand it a bit better and hopefully make you realise that what happened was in no way your fault. I guess your friend is angry that you called the police, but what did he expect you were gonna do? Just smile and accept it? Calling the police was the best thing you ever did and if he is not returning your text messages then that shows what a coward he really is. He knows he has done wrong - I would try and keep your distance from him now as the more you dwell on him and wonder why he isn't caring the more you are going to drag it all back up again. I do think he cares, but I think he is too yellow belly to show any remorse at all. If that's the case, is he really worth your time? He is dragging you down, you need to concentrate on maybe spending more time with your boyfriend. As for the flashbacks, I'm sure your councilor will help you with those. I think you have made a massive step in getting over this - there will always be times when you blame yourself, but you must understand, it was not your fault!!!!
xxx :)
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Postby chosenfew » Tue Aug 21, 2007 10:47 am

Firstly you need to stop blaming yourself for all of this as no matter what you say, its not your fault. Tom* in my eyes is the lowest of low, SCUM!! Men that do this should be hung. He took complete advantage of you that night and for all we know he may have even drugged your drink. You didnt know what was going on at the time and thats why you would have kissed him back and seemed like you were "enjoying" it.
Secondly you nedd to delete Toms* number out of your phone. Getting intouch with him will not make things better. I hate to sound harsh but for all you know he could be laughing with his mates at the texts your sending him. He obviously wont feel gulity coz he is an animal, he knew what he was doing all along coz if he didnt he would have took you straight home.
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Postby snail » Thu Nov 29, 2007 6:23 pm

Hi Clara84

How are you getting on? Are things any better now?
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Re: sexual assault?

Postby retrochav » Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:33 pm

I dont see any point in thinking about him at all.

Whether you were drunk, drugged, or simply tired. you clearly werent fully in control of what was happening to you. Put simply you were sexually assaulted.

When women and men (yes women and men can sexually assault guys) are violated in this way, guilt is as bad as the attack itself in many ways. Guilt about being vulnerable, guilt about feeling aroused - its normal but entirely misplaced.

You can feel aroused when being attacked because our bodies have nerve endings that respond to stimulie. Guys get involuntary errections at non sexual times, women can feel aroused at non sexual times, so this doesnt imply consent at all.

People who have been raped will often kiss the rapist as a powerless plea to beg for gentlness or mercy - that is quite different from wanting sex.

Your "friend" has acted in the worst way possible, violating your trust. You entrusted him to get you home safely, to protect you. You have nothing to feel wrong about.

Most people would agree that someone drunk, drugged or otherwise unable to give consious consent would not make a sexual partner. Anyone thinking otherwise runs the risk of wrecking the life of their "partner" and wrecking their own life also.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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